I think DH has a very good understanding of DS's issues. But it took a long time to get there. Before we got the official diagnosis of autism, we was in total denial that there was anything wrong. Once we got the diagnosis, DH started learning about autism and therapies. But he really struggled with it. I was reading a lot of books and articles and learning from other moms. DH was very busy and stressed at work and did not have time to read the articles I gave him. He tried to attend medical appointments when he could and read all the reports. But he was frustrated trying to make sense of it all.
One thing that really helped was when DH met some other dads of kids with autism and seeing how they interact with their children. And DH also got to see that there are other kids like DS, who have the same types of issues and behaviors. So being active in the autism/special needs community has been very important.
Other thing that helped was that after the diagnosis we hired a behavioral therapist to help to set up and monitor our home therapy program. Even though I would be doing be doing most of the therapy, we had her train both of us in the methods and techniques. This way, we both learned new, more effective ways of interacting with DS.
After DH was laid off, I went back to work full time after being a SAHM for years. For about a year DH found himself in the role of reluctant SAHD. It was a real eye opening experience for him to have to take the lead in DS's day to day life, manage therapy appointments, deal with school issues, etc. But he did a great job. He even took DS to our weekly autism playgroup and talked with the "other moms" there.
Of course we all have bad days. Here are days when I think DH doesn't get it. There are days I think DH's discipline is too reactionary instead of proactive. Sometimes it's because DH has a hard time letting go of the parenting techniques his own parents used, even though these techniques are not effective with DS. Sometimes it's because DH has had several days without enough sleep and he is emotionally and physically stressed out.
And I also have bad parenting days when I lose patience with DS too quickly or I fail to rake his sensory or language issues into account. At those times, DH is often able to take over with a more gentle, more appropriate to the situation.
So overall I think DH does have a good understanding of DS's issues and needs, but like I said it took a lot of time to get there.
Hang in there and keep trying!
Gena
DS, age 11 and always amazing
“Autistics are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg." - Paul Collins, Not Even Wrong