#175 - Survived 1st Day! - More Bullying - DS Leaving School After All - Need P&PT

[Melbel]

As detailed in an older thread, we have had serious bullying issues at DS' private school. We elevated the issue to the head of school last month (with board back up), and were hopeful when the repeat offender bully was suspended indefinitely and not expected to return to the school, and we were given verbal assurances that the rampant horseplay and aggressive conduct in PE would be reigned in by the school. With bully gone, DS initially reported feeling safer at school and seemed happy, until another boy escalated bullying behavior.

As background, after DS became very ill last spring with chronic migraines and vertigo, a couple of his "friends" turned on him and started taunting him. Although kids cannot see DS' illness like they would a cast on a broken arm, we were disappointed in these children, as well as the school's failure to nip the issue in the bud. This year, one of the boys has continued to taunt DS, and since the major bully left, has now committed multiple flagrant personal fouls (i.e. kicking DS hard in shoulder after he fell, forcefully shoving DS during a jump ball causing him to scrape up his leg, etc.) followed by taunting. The PE coaches did absolutely nothing. One teacher spoke to bully #2, but he has still persisted in the conduct. When we contacted the head of school, he wrote us an awful, condescending email, basically telling us not to bother him. The email literally brought my DH (who NEVER cries) to tears. We are devastated.

To make matters worse, last week, the administrator sat DS and bully #2 down in a meeting and essentially accused DS of lying and told him to get over it (witnesses have seen the fouls and bully #2 admitted to most of the conduct). This is precisely the type of peer mediation that DS' doctor said was a horrendous idea (even done correctly, which this was not). Before this meeting, we had repeatedly advised administrator NOT to use this method with DS after she persisted in saying the voluminous research was wrong and that she knew what she was doing after 40 years. DS has not made it through a full day of school since this meeting and even stated that he wanted to "give up" and may not want to live. He stated that administrator made him feel "very, very bad." He did better overall on the weekend and wanted to go to school today. The school has agreed that administrator is not allowed to meet with DS without our express written consent and I am having DS sit out of PE.

I know that posters here told us to leave a month or so ago, and in hindsight, we wish we did. Please, no "I told you so" because I cannot take it. We feel awful for keeping him there but thought we were on the right track. We are moving forward with getting him transferred to one of two schools, but do not have approval as of yet. I have no back up option for DD1 who is also at the school and absolutely thriving. If I get DS transferred, I will have 3 kids in 3 schools across town. I do not know if it is even logistically possible with DH's travel schedule.

Our goal is to start DS in a new school after Thanksgiving. We could use whatever prayers and positive thoughts that you can spare. We pray that DS is OK at school for now, that we can find him a better school, that he can transition as smoothly as possible, that we can also find DD1 another school since we no longer want to keep her there either and that I can somehow make it where I need to be. DS and DD1 will also have to change all of their extracurricular activities because they are tied to the school (other than DD1's soccer).

Thanks in advance.

[MrsMcGwire]

This just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that your DS is being bullied and now the school is bullying you! I totally support your decision in trying to make it first and for finding him a new school now. Thoughts and prayers for all of you!

[Twoboos]

This just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry that your DS is being bullied and now the school is bullying you! I totally support your decision in trying to make it first and for finding him a new school now. Thoughts and prayers for all of you!

This exactly! I am so sorry it's not working out (and possibly getting worse!) when it seemed like you were on the right track.

You are still doing an awesome job advocating for your DS and working to get him (and your other DC) into the right environment.

HUGS, P & PT for you all!!!

[maestramommy]

Melbel, I am just appalled. And so sad for your DS and your family. Something must have happened in the admin because why else would they be so supportive then turn on you the way you did. Just horrible. My prayers are with you as DS transfers to a new school.

[crl]

I am so very sorry and sad for you all. I pray that you find a good solution for all of you soon.

Catherine

[wellyes]

Oh, my heart breaks for him. I'm so sorry.
Here's to a fresh start soon.

[dcmom2b3]

I'm so sorry, Melbel. They sound like a group of awful people! P&PT to you and yours as you make the transition to the new school.

[sunshine873]

My heart just breaks for you and for your DS. How despicable. & no way are you going to get any "I told you so's." You & your DH did everything possible to try to ensure a safe, comfortable, productive environment for your DS & his peers & it sounded like that had happened. What a travesty that the administration has resorted to bullying themselves! Now you're doing what you have to - getting your family out of there. Lots of prayers that everything falls into place for you and your DC...

[WatchingThemGrow]

I cannot believe that administrator did that to your child when they were warned about it before being absolutely detrimental to the victim in a bullying situation! Completely shocked.

Last week I went to our state's school counseling conference, and I sat through a workshop about bullying. Your family came to mind, and I prayed for you that day because I had you on my heart while I listened there. Since your DS has had such a traumatic past year (plus?) with the health issues and bullying, is it possible to talk for you to talk with the school counselor at whatever schools you are considering? I think he would greatly benefit from having a STRONG school counselor IN THE BUILDING who works well with administrators and has a strong curriculum they are teaching. The program being used at the school by the presenters at my conference was SECOND STEP. The consensus from the crowd was that the program was effective and researched.

Is there a counselor at the current/soon to be old school? I feel so badly for your DS, and the community of students around him need to be taught to intervene and to fend off bullying behaviors exhibited.

[Melbel]

Melbel, I am just appalled. And so sad for your DS and your family. Something must have happened in the admin because why else would they be so supportive then turn on you the way you did. Just horrible. My prayers are with you as DS transfers to a new school.

The head of school is very hands off when it comes to in-house situations. My thought is that he HAD to act with bully #1 because the facts were so egregious (many assaults, threats to shoot students, bringing knife to school). With the over the plate type bullying, he does not want to be bothered. He is placing blind trust with administrator who still insists there has not been bullying at school and that bully #1 never intentionally hit another student (regardless of the fact that there were MANY witnesses who saw him do it). Of course, the situation with bully #1 would not have gotten so bad if they had held him accountable and nipped the problem in the bud. It defies logic.

Thank you for all of the support.