Can I mope, just for tonight?

[Simon]

You are welcome to mope and mourn here. I completely understand. Dh and I both really wanted a little girl with our first. When we found out the sex we were both disappointed for a few weeks and gave ourselves space to be sad. I also hoped for a girl with Ds2 and had even allowed myself to buy some girl clothing before we knew. Sigh. I just gave most of that away.

A few things things helped me when pg with Ds3.

First, I did some soul searching about why *I* thought I wanted a girl. Because Dh would be a good "girl dad." Because I am going to miss out on the experience of raising a daughter and I think that means I am missing out on some piece of the human experience. However, I decided that *for me* the real, actual process of raising a daughter is not something I feel terribly strongly about.

Second, I decided I actually really wanted another boy this time around. I grew to love the idea of having all brothers and the idea that they will (hopefully) have a great bond because they will be going through the same/similar things in life. It has also helped that I can see how the qualities that I thought would make Dh a good "girl" father are making him a great Dad to Ds1 who is a sensitive and non-traditional little boy. Ds1 needed a Dad like Dh.

Then I became very, very worried about "little princess" syndrome and how the Grandmothers would react in our family (an only granddaughter). I could foresee major favoritism and other yuky things.

I am not saying you should do the same or that you should get over it, this is just how I came to feel peaceful with our family.

[MSWR0319]

I totally get where you are coming from. I'm glad you posted your feelings, because I have been feeling absolutely awful for feeling this way. I had an ultrasound about a week and a half ago and the tech guessed boy. I saw what he saw and have a feeling it's true. He did say the odds weren't still that great, but I'm telling myself it's a boy. I didnt think it would bother me as much having two sons, but I guess there was a little more want for a girl than I was letting myself believe. I think the hardest part for me was that I "feel" this is a girl and I "felt" DS was a boy. So because I'm wrong, I feel like my intuition is off now and it's usually right. I had always dreamed about having a boy first and then a girl, now I find myself thinking about how that won't happen sometime. Granted, I could go into my 20 week scan and it be a girl, but I'm really doubting that will happen. All of my friends that are pregnant are also having the opposite of their first, which makes me a tiny bit jealous. I told DH this is why I didn't want to know what DS was, that way I couldn't pout. When the child came out I'd be happy. Now I have months to pout about it. Most days I'm totally fine with it and looking forward to DS having a little brother, every once in awhile it gets to me though. So you're not alone at all. Whine away!!

[ast96]

I have three boys that I love more than anything on this planet. But yes, I have mourned the idea of raising a daughter. And every time I have had an ultrasound, I have felt that little pang of, "Oh." Oh -- another boy. I wanted at least one son, but I also wanted a daughter. That hasn't happened so far, and this is our last baby.

I will tell you that now that I have three boys and I might have a fourth, I am finally at a place where I would be okay if this was another boy. I think I have already made peace with the universe if I don't have a daughter. That doesn't mean that I won't always mourn that idea... I have my days when I watch other moms walking little girls into preschool and I get a little teary, or when I hear about other moms planning mother-daughter trips to NYC and I get bitterly jealous. I won't sugarcoat it -- people love to say, Oh, boys love their mamas! Well, when you have only boys, sometimes they will love you and sometimes they won't! And though I have fun with them and have special relationships with each of them in my own way, I cannot tell you that I don't often feel like a complete alien in my own house, the only person who thinks the way I do, and a little lonely.

BUT yes, above all, I have three wonderful kids whom I adore for their own individual aspects, few of which have anything at all to do with their gender, and I am so, so blessed and lucky to have them and to have them be healthy. To me, though, the mourning of the hypothetical daughter and my love for my real, existing children are two very separate things -- not rational, but emotional, and very real. So yes, "mope" -- or what I would probably term "process" -- this information, and then get thee out to the mall to buy the sweetest little blue baby outfit you can find, because baby boys are awfully sweet.

[roseyloxs]

Its a strange and funny thing that we all seem to cling to what we know. I was excited that my first was a boy and a bit disappointed when I found out my second was a girl. Everyone was all excited that I would have one of each but I thought it would be fun to have two boys. I had two brother and no sisters growing up, maybe that's why.

I had these plans of naming her after my deceased grandmother who I loved more than I can explain, who died way too early, and who was a huge influence on my life.

Any chance her maiden name would make a good middle name?

[fumofu]

Thank you, everyone, for your sympathy, understanding, and wisdom. I am feeling a lot better today. DH and I have already started thinking of boy names, most of which are just silly. I'm glad I got to start this thread, so other mamas can commiserate and go through this process as well.

A few things things helped me when pg with Ds3.

First, I did some soul searching about why *I* thought I wanted a girl. Because Dh would be a good "girl dad." Because I am going to miss out on the experience of raising a daughter and I think that means I am missing out on some piece of the human experience. However, I decided that *for me* the real, actual process of raising a daughter is not something I feel terribly strongly about.

Second, I decided I actually really wanted another boy this time around. I grew to love the idea of having all brothers and the idea that they will (hopefully) have a great bond because they will be going through the same/similar things in life. It has also helped that I can see how the qualities that I thought would make Dh a good "girl" father are making him a great Dad to Ds1 who is a sensitive and non-traditional little boy. Ds1 needed a Dad like Dh.

Simon, I feel the same way about missing out on the experience of raising a daughter. I actually am not that particular in raising a little girl.

To me, though, the mourning of the hypothetical daughter and my love for my real, existing children are two very separate things -- not rational, but emotional, and very real. So yes, "mope" -- or what I would probably term "process" -- this information, and then get thee out to the mall to buy the sweetest little blue baby outfit you can find, because baby boys are awfully sweet.

ast96, you also make a very good point. I actually bought a lot of neutral-colored things when pregnant with DS, just in case DC2 is a girl. So yes, I can really go all out on blue this time. I just wish companies would put more pizzazz in boy clothes!!!

Thanks again, everyone. I love all you BBB mamas!

[JoyNChrist]

Please don't feel bad for feeling this way. I don't understand why gender disappointment is so taboo in our culture. It's a very real and very common thing.

I will tell you this. At a 12 week ultrasound of the twins, the specialist said he was "pretty sure" he could tell us the genders. He said he was 100% sure baby A was a boy and fairly certain that baby B was too.

I sobbed all the way home. I'm not talking about a little crying, a few sad feelings, or whatever. I was bawling my eyes out.

It made absolutely no sense for me to be that upset. We had gone through hell to conceive and stay pregnant with those babies. That was the first time in almost three years I'd made it to 12 weeks and seen a heartbeat (much less two heartbeats). I should have been elated no matter if they were boys, girls, or giraffes.

The next week was really hard for me. I didn't want to tell anybody about the genders (we hadn't told many people about the pregnancy yet, so that worked out). I felt incredibly guilty for being even the slightest bit disappointed about two healthy babies. I didn't know how to process my feelings at all.

In our case, by the next ultrasound they were 99% sure Baby A was a boy, and 90% sure Baby B was a girl, which turned out to be accurate. So I don't have advice for how to deal with the disappointment (although I know you will, just as I would have). But I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in how you feel, and you're not horrible for feeling that way.

Oh, and as much as I wanted a daughter, DD has been quite a handful from Day 1, while DS2 is an absolute angel baby, and VERY attached to his mama.

[mommylamb]

Any chance her maiden name would make a good middle name?

Actually, this is a tradition in my family. However, DS2 will have my mother's maiden name for a middle name, which also makes me feel good. The grandmother in question is my paternal grandmother, and actually her maiden name is my middle name . DS1 has my MIL's maiden name for a middle name.

[MamaSnoo]

I just wanted to give you a hug. I think your feelings are totally normal.

We do not know the gender yet for our new LO (they could see nothing on the 12 week US this week). We will plan to find out at 20 weeks, and I am hoping for a girl. I know now that I will be sad if it is a boy. Something I will have to work through.

I am sorry you had to go to the appt alone too. My DH has not made any of the appts or US's yet (only 2 so far). He is very excited and supportive, but has been busy at work and out of town a lot. And, it's a second baby, I guess. He went to almost every appt with our DD. I think doing the visits alone is hard, even if your have great love and support at home.

[BabyBearsMom]

I definitely think it is okay to mope about this. I hate when people say "You should just be happy that you are having a healthy pregnancy" or something similarly condescending. Of course you are happy that you have a healthy pregnancy. But if you always dreamed of having a daughter or a son, it is hard to adjust your mental picture. It hurts and sometimes people feel like they need to mourn that and that should be perfectly okay. Mope all you want here!