Where do you start?

[lowrioh]

I can totally empathize with you. DD1 has behaved exactly like your DS in the past and I'm sure she will do it again in the future. It is physically and emotionally draining and we were on the verge of going for counseling.
She has been doing a lot better recently and the only thing I can attribute it to (besides her getting older) is that I have been making a very conscious effort to spend one on one time with her without any distractions. This was very, very difficult for me at first because frankly, I didn't like her very much. I had extreme guilt about disliking her and knew I needed to make a change. If this isn't something you and/or your DH has tried it might be worth giving it a shot. I usually just go down in the family room as soon as I get home from work and spend 30 min playing with her while DH gets dinner on the table.

[elliput]

ETA Erica I re-read what I wrote and I don't mean to be defensive! Thanks for your feedback and book suggestion.

I did not take your response to be defensive at all. Figuring out how to deal with a challenging child is like trying to skeet shoot while standing in a row boat in rough water. Getting it right is more dumb luck than skill.

[hillview]

Ok so a couple of points.

DS's teacher sent home a form to get permission to eval him in class. This is after I mentioned to her at drop off that I'd like to talk about his behavior at our meeting next week. So that seems interesting to me. I have emailed her to ask what sort of eval she had in mind (and thanks blah blah).

Tonight I tried REALLY really REALLY hard not to react much to his behavior. I gave him 100s of choices. Do you want to turn off the light or me to? Do you want to brush your teeth here or in my bathroom? Do you want to wear these PJs or those? And on and on. When he threw his keyboard I simply said that I hoped it didn't break and continued upstairs. When he hit me while we were reading I put that book down and moved on to the 2nd book (and he pitched a total fit) and I simply told him I couldn't keep reading the first book because it hurt my mouth (where he hit me ) -- I get that this is not TOTAL natural consequences but I was really trying.

So did it work? Well there was slightly less drama and I was slightly less engaged in all the issues (less emotional).

You are all so sweet for your help and "listening" to me. Man being a parent is hard.

[hillview]

So his teacher replied
"I talked to [special ed teacher] today about your concern about DS2. We have seen DS2w pregressing academically and he has improved his ability to sit in circle from the begining of the school year, however we find him sometimes wondering the room and with some difficulty following instructions. I am a strong beliver of listening to parents when they want help finding out patterns in their kids development. [Special ed teacher] is the school specialist that has a free time on monday to do an informal observation of DS2 in the classroom. I find this observation can help us plan a better curriculum for DS2."

Should I try to interpret this? Difficulty following instructions. Wandering the room. Thoughts?

[jren]

I would let them observe him. It can't hurt. FWIW, irritability and aggression can be seen in kids with ADHD, but I would think 4 1/2 would be young for that dx unless you were seeing other clear signs.

My DD has a mood disorder. There's something called PMT (parent management training) that you may want to look into. It was recommended to us by DD's neuropsychologist. I think it's one on one with a psychologist who would train us in how to deal with DD's behavior. With an oppositional child, some of the regular parenting strategies can backfire and make things worse. So we need new ways to deal with things. I'm really looking forward to getting some real help. I've read tons of books but it's really difficult to implement any drastic changes just from reading.

For example... I'm supposed to show NO emotion when dealing with DD when she's in her "mood". No facial expressions that could be misinterpreted. The counselor will practice this with me.

One thing that I'm doing right now is I have dropped all other requirements except one, and we are working on that for now. I have a chart with stickers that will reward her with a treat when it's full (36 spots). She gets a sticker every time she controls her temper in a situation that would normally have caused her to lose it (with is pretty much everything). She got 6 stickers in the first 2 hours of the program, which was HUGE! If she loses control, I am to completely ignore it - walk away and give it no attention. Lots of praise and the sticker for the least little improvement. Sometimes I give her a sticker for only slightly losing it, but regaining self control. It's actually working pretty good for now. Of course, we have also upped her meds!

Now that is what I'm supposed to do, but I do still lose my temper when she's raging. It's just really hard to be an emotional brick wall in the midst of hour 12 of a temper tantrum in an 8 year old.

[hellokitty]

So his teacher replied
"I talked to [special ed teacher] today about your concern about DS2. We have seen DS2w pregressing academically and he has improved his ability to sit in circle from the begining of the school year, however we find him sometimes wondering the room and with some difficulty following instructions. I am a strong beliver of listening to parents when they want help finding out patterns in their kids development. [Special ed teacher] is the school specialist that has a free time on monday to do an informal observation of DS2 in the classroom. I find this observation can help us plan a better curriculum for DS2."

Should I try to interpret this? Difficulty following instructions. Wandering the room. Thoughts?

Hmmm, I interpret it to mean that she thinks that you have concerns, so they will do an evaluation to see what the specialist thinks. I think that is good of her to work with you. As for the wandering and not following directions, I think that is pretty typical for boys that age. Good luck with the eval! And yes, parenting is HARD! Harder than any paid job I've ever had!

[Elilly]

Just another angle here, and I could be totally off base, but wanted to share...... Refusing to put on a coat, not wanting to hold hands, "needing" to hit or do things with force, etc. sounds like a sensory issue to me. JMHO. Do you have a mini trampoline in your house? Rather than time outs for off behavior, we used to send DS to his tramp and have him jump for two minutes. He also received a punching bag for Christmas as another positive manner for him to get sensory input when stressed or anxious. When talking about the plan for the day, we would tell DS while he was jumping on his trampoline, this seemed to lessen the combative behavior as well. It wasn't so great having the trampoline in our living room, but we were all a little more clam. Like I said, I may be completely off base here, just trying to help. Hugs mama. By searching for answers, you are doing the right thing for him.

[hillview]

Just another angle here, and I could be totally off base, but wanted to share...... Refusing to put on a coat, not wanting to hold hands, "needing" to hit or do things with force, etc. sounds like a sensory issue to me. JMHO. Do you have a mini trampoline in your house? Rather than time outs for off behavior, we used to send DS to his tramp and have him jump for two minutes. He also received a punching bag for Christmas as another positive manner for him to get sensory input when stressed or anxious. When talking about the plan for the day, we would tell DS while he was jumping on his trampoline, this seemed to lessen the combative behavior as well. It wasn't so great having the trampoline in our living room, but we were all a little more clam. Like I said, I may be completely off base here, just trying to help. Hugs mama. By searching for answers, you are doing the right thing for him.

Ok this is really interesting. He is VERY physical. Runs into you. Head butts into your belly. Jumps on you. I must say gentil 100 times a day. To balance that he is also very snuggly some times and likes touching/kissing.

[Gena]

Ok this is really interesting. He is VERY physical. Runs into you. Head butts into your belly. Jumps on you. I must say gentil 100 times a day. To balance that he is also very snuggly some times and likes touching/kissing.

This totally describes my little guy and for him, these are sensory issues. He CRAVES deep pressure, so he runs and crashes into things/people and loves big snuggly hugs. Some of the things that have helped with this are: weighted vest, weighted blanket, compression shirts, mini-trampoline, heavy work (pushing around laundry baskets of books or blocks), and using the brushing/compression protocal.

I know it may seem strange for me to say that being snuggly and loving hugs is a sensory problem. But when you have a kid who wakes up every 2 hours because he needs a hug, it IS a problem. The weighted blanket provides DS with a constant deep pressure and helps him stay asleep.

I think it's a great idea to have the school's SE teacher observe him. Hopefully the specialist will have some idea and point you in the right direction for resources.

[Elilly]

Just wanted to add that schools, IMHO, aren't always great at diagnosing sensory issues. I would, if you can, seek a private eval with a developmental ped as they often look at more than a school would.