Six Months Later..

[maestramommy]

I've been MIA for a few days and just saw this thread from start to finish. No words for expressing how sorry I am. Your STBXH has put you through hell, and for your sake and the sake of your kids, I'm glad you are at least separating. Mental illness is such a tricky thing, and with your STBXH having multiple issues I wouldn't count on him recovering in 6 months either.

You are an amazing woman and you WILL be able to move on with your life without him.

[HannaAddict]

Talk to a lawyer IRL (I am a damn good lawyer but not in your state or a family law person) and see about getting a formal separation agreement so you are not legally on the hook for any debt he racks up while separated, either surfing the 'net credit card in hand, buying a car, or other things he might use to self medicate and assuage his loneliness if you will. Often times women who just have the guy move out and think they will handle it later have a nasty surprise with new bills etc. and even if the divorce decree says he's responsible, if you were married and not legally separated when he racked them up, you could be on the hook, depending on the law of your state. It is VERY hard to find any, let alone good, family law pro bono/free/subsidized representation. There is a family law clinic at one of the law schools in our area but more demand than supply and it is very basic representation. It is a hard area of law to do and do well, not sexy like John Grishamesque defending the innocent clinics, and lots of emotionally draining work that isn't suited to a quick, discrete volunteer project so not many lawyers offer to do it for free. I would keep interviewing/consulting with lawyers and strongly consider filing for legal separation even if you haven't made the decision to divorce.

ETA Glad you did transfer the money so you have some little bit of safety net.

[Cam&Clay]

If he moves out, get a separation agreement immediately. XH and I lived apart for years before we filed for divorce but everything was spelled out from the beginning with a separation agreement--child support, visitation, separation of assets, etc. You need to protect yourself NOW from anything he might do once he moves out. Please please please talk to a lawyer about getting one done right away.

[trales]

There are many family lawyers that take payment plans, your fees could be put into the divorce settlement so that he has to pay them etc. Get thee to a good lawyer, it will cost you less in the end.

[mom2binsd]

Rachel, my heart breaks for you and yet I can see that you gaining confidence to make it through all of this!

As someone who went through a divorce this past year, I will say, get him out of the house asap, get an "exclusion from domicile" if he wont' leave willingly...I let xh stay on the couch for a number of months, mostly as I needed someone at the house to watch the kids as I was working 7 days a week (xh had been fired from his job on top of me finding out about his cheating/gambling etc), but until he was out of here it was really hard to get on with healing. With him so close by it's too hard for you to keep moving forward.

Ignore as much as you can all the talk about how divorce isn't necessarily the only option etc....mine tried the same, it's crap! Don't play into his email games, ignore and focus on you and your children. I have no doubt that you can do this, it's going to be tough but you have shown that you can do this!

If you need to and I highly suggest it, I'd also get the lawyer to file for "temporary relief" so that you have child support set up, even before the official divorce papers are signed. It will get xh's wages officially tracked, you don't want him to start making a deal with an employer to get paid in a way that will be hard for you to track.

Don't be ashamed to tell others the truth, it is not your job to shield him or protect him, he didn't accord you the same.

Make sure that he does not have access to your text messages/emails/voicemail that might have correspondence with your attorney/friends. Change passwords etc.

A big virtual hug. I really encourage you to reach out to any BBB local folks who have offered their support, and also to access any local support groups.

I know you HS your children right now, and although it may be a temporary situation, if you need to send them to public school, if you are able to/need to work outside the home, know that children are very resilient. It may not be what you want, but in this situation, it may be what happens for a bit. Divorce can take time, and whether you are able to financially live on child support and maintenance (if you get any) will also be tricky. I know some situations where it's doable, and others where the spouse had to work to support the family.

[DebbieJ]

Your "husband" obviously has his own issues and he isn't going to seek treatment for them until he hits rock bottom. He won't hit rock bottom until you kick him to the curb and put distance between the two of you.

Get a lawyer, start protecting yourself and your kids. This is no time to feel sorry for this jerk.

[KpbS]

Rachel, my heart breaks for you and yet I can see that you gaining confidence to make it through all of this!

As someone who went through a divorce this past year, I will say, get him out of the house asap, get an "exclusion from domicile" if he wont' leave willingly...I let xh stay on the couch for a number of months, mostly as I needed someone at the house to watch the kids as I was working 7 days a week (xh had been fired from his job on top of me finding out about his cheating/gambling etc), but until he was out of here it was really hard to get on with healing. With him so close by it's too hard for you to keep moving forward.

Ignore as much as you can all the talk about how divorce isn't necessarily the only option etc....mine tried the same, it's crap! Don't play into his email games, ignore and focus on you and your children. I have no doubt that you can do this, it's going to be tough but you have shown that you can do this!

If you need to and I highly suggest it, I'd also get the lawyer to file for "temporary relief" so that you have child support set up, even before the official divorce papers are signed. It will get xh's wages officially tracked, you don't want him to start making a deal with an employer to get paid in a way that will be hard for you to track.

Don't be ashamed to tell others the truth, it is not your job to shield him or protect him, he didn't accord you the same.

Make sure that he does not have access to your text messages/emails/voicemail that might have correspondence with your attorney/friends. Change passwords etc.

A big virtual hug. I really encourage you to reach out to any BBB local folks who have offered their support, and also to access any local support groups.

I know you HS your children right now, and although it may be a temporary situation, if you need to send them to public school, if you are able to/need to work outside the home, know that children are very resilient. It may not be what you want, but in this situation, it may be what happens for a bit. Divorce can take time, and whether you are able to financially live on child support and maintenance (if you get any) will also be tricky. I know some situations where it's doable, and others where the spouse had to work to support the family.

No personal BTDT, but I am an attorney and this advice is 100% what I would say based on years of seeing the same situations play out. Best of luck to you as you take care of yourself and your kids. Keep moving forward and don't look back.