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  1. #1
    HIU8 is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default Couples counseling and SN issues

    Have you ever been to counseling with your spouse due to the stress of life with a SN child? I think DH and I are headed that direction---at the very least DH is. He has this view in his head of the fact that DS should have been NT and perfect (read compliant, quiet, never making any sort of trouble, understanding everything the first time, etc...). I can honestly say that DH hates having a SN child. He simply cannot deal with it. He loses his temper with DS pretty much daily. He can't stand DS's quirks. He only wants to deal with what he deems is normal for a kid. Heck, he doesn't believe me when I tell him that some of DS's behavior is age appropriate (DS is 7 and some of his behavior is right on target for his age). DH is getting stuff from his mother saying that he was a perfectly compliant child who never did anything bad, ate all foods,etc... Then she tells me that she used the grip of death on DH when he would not listen (read: indian burn) and used to turn on the vaccuum cleaner to drown DH out at night.

    DS always has to have something in his hands (usually legos). DH lost it tonight when DS would not put his legos down to brush his teeth. Now, I have no issues with DS needing to hold something. We normally brush his teeth b/c DS does a lousy job and the dentist told us we need to be helping him for awhile longer. I don't understand why DH can't just go with it and let DS do what he needs to do to feel secure and not anxious. Honestly, all the therapy we are doing for DS is not going to do a darn thing if DH undoes it when he can't handle things.

    I just don't know what to do at this point. My immediate concern is for the welfare of DS right now (over and above the commitment I made to DH). I'm prepared for counseling. I'm also prepared to go a step further and remove DH and DS from one another (yes, I would end my marriage over this).
    Heather

    DS 2004
    DD 2007

  2. #2
    lmh2402's Avatar
    lmh2402 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Heather -

    it's so hard. so, so, SO hard to have a kid that doesn't comply with what people to believe is "normal."

    and it's excruciatingly hard when you and your partner are at odds over it.

    i don't have any specific advice b/c we haven't gotten to the point of needing counseling yet...on this issue. but we've had couples counseling in the past and it was very helpful - in fact, without it, DS would not exist today b/c we wouldn't have made it together to the point of his conception.

    i think it's more than worthwhile to find a few recommended therapists, make some calls and set up a prelim appt with someone.

    i can 100,000% relate to what you're saying re: being willing to sacrifice your marriage. in the situation as you describe it, i would feel the exact same way.

    i hope you guys make an appt to talk to someone.
    mama to my awesome sporty boy (4/09) , precocious little girl (7/12) , and loving doggies (10/05 & 1/14)

  3. #3
    inmypjs is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    I'm really sorry you are going through this too. My own marriage tends to ebb and flow, and I think having a child who is not NT just adds to the "normal" stress of marriage.

    My DH does understand DS's issues (learning and inattention) and is very on board with what we are doing to help him. When I first started looking into things for DS, I think he thought I was a little out there. But I read aloud to him the things I read, and something that really helped was that I purchased several books in audio format. He listened to them in the car or at work and would come and say wow, now I understand. Another thing that came out of those books was that he has come to realize that he grew up with some of the same learning differences that DS has.

    That said, I do feel that my DH needs to pick his battles more with both of our kids. That story you relayed about your DS holding something while he brushing his teeth - I can relate. Really, what does it matter? My DH grew up in a pretty authoritarian household with lots of orders, no questions asked. In addition to our dyslexic son, we have a strong willed 5 yo and often he makes arbitrary rules that really have no point, instead of just letting them have some control over the situation. He definitely can have the mindset that they need to obey just for the sake of it - even if it makes no sense why. I guess I should be pround that my children are critical thinkers becasue they do question those kinds of things...

    Anyway, hope it gets better. Hang in there.

  4. #4
    HIU8 is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    DH came up to me a little while ago and just said he had no idea why he made an issue of it. He knows DS needs to hold on to something. I think DH is thinking back to when DS dropped a matchbox car down the toilet (to the tune of $800 and a new toilet) and he just can't the image out of his head of DS dropping random toys down the toilet b/c he is always holding something.

    I know my DH is stressed at work and it carries over to home (and it doesn't help to have MIL telling DH what he was like as a kid--ahem... I'm hoping he agrees to go and see someone b/c we need it at this point.
    Heather

    DS 2004
    DD 2007

  5. #5
    karstmama's Avatar
    karstmama is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    i'm so sorry, heather. at least he sounds like he did some reflecting, so that's a good sign he hasn't given up on your ds. i really hope some counseling helps - vent all you want to.
    mama to j karst, former 25 weeker, 12/06

  6. #6
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    So frustrating. Dh and I have some significant issues of our own, but ds definitely tips it over the top. I often think about how it would be (better or worse) if we weren't together lately. It is just overwhelming! I hope a counselor is a help.
    All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.
    ~Abraham Lincoln~


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