Originally Posted by
icunurse
SIS - Whoa. I am doing my best to not be offended by that remark and I will chalk it up to lack of knowledge about adoption. EVERY woman has a right to hold their child and, until those papers are signed, it is HER child. And if they cant let go, then they shouldn't (even if you think that they should). Just because a child is being placed for adoption does NOT mean that they do not want or love that child. A birthmother has huge amounts of love for their child, so much so that they put the child's needs above their own desire to parent. Besides that, what adoptive parent would want a child that someone else wants to/can parent?! Adoptive parents do not want to become a parent via deceptive methods. Birth parents need to feel comfortable with their decision and have some small sense of closure and if holding their child gives them that, then it needs to be done. FWIW, both of my children's birth mom's held them and one even roomed in with them for a couple days. They needed that time to not only solidify their decision, but to say goodbye. As an adoptive parent, I am hurt by your comments and suggest that your either read up on how it works and the actual facts or just keep that thought to yourself.
Thanks for putting that into words much more eloquently than I could have.
I understand the pain of a failed adoption. I've planned for, shopped for, and expected to bring home a baby more than once. Believe me, in the middle of infertility treatments, a "is she pregnant or not?" birthmom saga, and deciding my next move to give my daughter a sibling... it's obvious that I want a baby But I would NEVER deny the birthmother what she needed to feel secure in letting me raise her child. Case in point--in an effort to adopt the child that's lived with me for more than 5 years, I participate in an open-adoption-to-be. I want DD's birthmom to know that the child she created, the child that she loved and nurtured, the child that she nursed for the time she had, is being raised well, loved, and being a kid anyone could be proud of. And, I'd do it again in a second. Why? Because I would never, COULD NEVER, be a mother a child and have to tell them, "No, your birthmom couldn't hold you because I wouldn't let her." My job as a mother is to raise my child to be loving, kind, accepting, and understanding. If I'm not compassionate towards her birth mom--mind you, a birth mom that's giving me a gift I can't give myself and more important than anything else--if I can't be compassionate towards the birth mother, how can I face my child when she/he asks if his birth mom held him? (And it will be asked. I have yet to meet an adoptee who didn't ask "did my birth mom see me? hold me? know me?")
OP, sorry to continue with the thread highjack. Obviously, I have strong feelings about this. My forever mom NEVER spoke a bad word about my birth mom; in fact, she told me how hard my birth mom worked to care for me when I was a new born, and how much she held and loved me before she gave me to my forever mom. And, conversely, my birth mom has also spoke glowingly of my forever mom--how thankful she was that my forever mom never cut her out of my life (my birth mom did go out of my life for 28 years, but it was birth mom's choice, not something my forever family chose). Adoption is about doing what's best for the child, and having a "what's best for the adoptive mom" isn't necessarily what's in the best interest for the child. Yeah, it sucks facing the fact that a birth mom could hold a baby and totally question the adoption plan. But, it would suck more to tell your child that it's the adoptive family's fault that the birth mother never got to hold the baby she nurtured and loved and cared for while he/she was growing inside.
--Mimi
Mom to Lala (2004), Bonus Mom to Big Sis 1 (1991) and Big Sis 2 (1992)
Grammy to Big Kindy Kid (2011), Big Pre-K Kid (2012),
Grandbaby Appendage (2014), and New Baby Grandboy (summer 2017)