Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    24

    Default In the process of adopting and need advice!

    I'm in the process of domestic adoption right now and I've heard the horror stories about getting the nursery all ready and then something happens and the birth mom changes her mind.

    I don't want to paint the nursery and decorate and then something happen....at the moment the plan is for the baby and I to go on a visit to grandma and grandpa's down the street for a few days while the men of the family paint the nursery. Does anyone else have a better idea?

    I've decided to get the car seat, stroller, packnplay, and some essentials just in case I get a call and have one week or less to prepare, but is there anything else I should get?

    I have a huge extended family and I know the baby will have more than one shower, and I planned on registering for things for a child 4-12 months since the baby will already be here when the showers happen, is that a good plan?

    Thanks so much for your help and advice!!
    I'm adopting! I've been matched with a DS due 09/12!!!

  2. #2
    icunurse is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    3,284

    Default

    We have adopted twice domestically. Both times, we had the room ready. Yes, it hurt sometimes when things didn't work out, but there were other times that I would go and just sit in there and it gave me some peace that if we could just stay strong and stick with it, it would be filled soon. We had it decorated in a neutral pattern, so it was ready to go for any baby, not for a specific one. When DS finally did come home, all I wanted to do was nest and snuggle, not have tons of people around and have to get things really organized. It was nice to just be settled and enjoy our time.... Our DD came home with less than two days notice, so having her room ready for the most part was a relief on top of taking care of her big brother and all the people eager to come and meet her. I am guessing that your DH may also get a severe case of the baby love and not want to spend the first few days of parenthood apart from the two of you. So, just something to consider.

    For us, we knew that we would have a shower at the one month mark or so (to make sure that everything was legal and give my party planners time to get things in order). So, I made sure that we had all the essentials that we would need for the first month or so - stroller and cars seat (which my parents bought for us), bath tub, carrier, basic clothing to start, bottles, etc. trust me, there is a ton of stuff that you can register for and a lot of people, already knowing the gender, are going to go for clothing

    Good luck with your adoption journey. It isn't easy sometimes, but always keep the end goal in mind and know that it will happen. It will.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    660

    Default

    I agree with icunurse- you've made the commitment to adopt, so it will happen. I'd have the room ready. The men of the family can be on standby to run errands and get those things you forgot ; grandma can cook your dinners :-)

    I also think that you'll want to be in the comfort of your own home, once you are back home with baby. I don't remember if you said that you were looking out of state? But if so, you could up in a hotel somewhere for a few days...depends on your personality too but for me, the more I can do ahead of time, the better :-)

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    24

    Default I've been matched!!!!

    Thanks ladies. I'm actually adopting as a single mom. I'm in the world of adoption as an attorney and I have the home, finances, and family support to do it.

    I actually got a call from my attorney today and I have been MATCHED!!!!!!! I'm so excited, the baby is in my state but not anywhere near me, which in light of my job it would make it particularly difficult for the baby to come from my area. Anyways, I have the BM's medical records and my friend who is an OBGYN NP is reviewing them.

    The baby, a boy, is 26 weeks along and due around September 29th. I don't plan on having the room all ready but it will be cleaned out and ready to be transformed once the little guy is home and we have had some quiet quality time.

    I'm not in a rush to have the room done. I'm so terrified of getting the room ready and then it falling through that in a way it gives me a wierd peice of mind that if something does happen, I won't have a beautiful baby room behind the door.

    I am nervous about the mass amount of people who will be coming over, so in another way, spending a few days at my parents house a few weeks after the birth may be a good escape for both the baby and I.

    We will see, I may change my mind, I'm so excited, nervous, terrified, that it is surreal to me that in three months I could be a mom!

    Thanks for all of your advice, I really appreciate it. I will definitely be needing the support from those who have gone through it!
    I'm adopting! I've been matched with a DS due 09/12!!!

  5. #5
    swrc00 is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    .
    Posts
    1,842

    Default

    Congrats on being matched!!! I can't wait to hear the rest of the story as it unfolds.
    DS - 11/08
    DS2- 2/13

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Houston, TX
    Posts
    868

    Default

    Alexa, I am very excited for you! My husband and I will have our baby via surrogate, so I have some similar concerns.

    Some other, smaller things that you probably want to have on hand are:
    -a baby carrier (you will want the baby to start getting used to your heartbeat and voice, so having a sling or other kind of carrier will be good)
    -a bag that you can use as a diaper bag
    -a "coming home from the hospital outfit"
    -some undershirts
    -some newborn diapers
    -some bottles

    Some other things to consider:
    - See if the BM will play tapes or mp3s of your voice to the baby. They have headsets that can go around her tummy. You might record yourself reading a book you plan to read to the baby once he is home, or tell him how much you want to meet him, or sing him a song or 2.
    -If you don't have a pediatrician picked out, you should consider shopping for one soon. You can ask her/him what kind of formula and other things to keep on hand for the baby's arrival.
    -If you need to fly the baby home with you, keep that in mind when you select a car seat and stroller. Check the FAA's weight and other restrictions for baby stuff.

    One last thing. You probably have already heard this, but do everything you can to make sure that the birth mother does NOT hold the baby after he's born. Most of the adoptions that I've heard of where the mother changed her mind happened because some nice nurse gave the baby to the BM to say good bye to him/her, and then they couldn't let go. It's sad, it's understandable, but it's not in your best interests.

    Happy planning!!!

  7. #7
    icunurse is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    3,284

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Still-in-Shock View Post

    One last thing. You probably have already heard this, but do everything you can to make sure that the birth mother does NOT hold the baby after he's born. Most of the adoptions that I've heard of where the mother changed her mind happened because some nice nurse gave the baby to the BM to say good bye to him/her, and then they couldn't let go. It's sad, it's understandable, but it's not in your best interests.

    Happy planning!!!
    Op - so excited for you and wishing you the best outcome for everyone! Everyone has their own way of preparing for an arrival and no way is wrong. But it is exciting! Maybe start reading up about baby care, adoptive parenting, and considering pediatricians. Even though it is scary, try and have some small moments of joy for yourself. And now, I apologize in advance for hijacking your post with the following...

    SIS - Whoa. I am doing my best to not be offended by that remark and I will chalk it up to lack of knowledge about adoption. EVERY woman has a right to hold their child and, until those papers are signed, it is HER child. And if they cant let go, then they shouldn't (even if you think that they should). Just because a child is being placed for adoption does NOT mean that they do not want or love that child. A birthmother has huge amounts of love for their child, so much so that they put the child's needs above their own desire to parent. Besides that, what adoptive parent would want a child that someone else wants to/can parent?! Adoptive parents do not want to become a parent via deceptive methods. Birth parents need to feel comfortable with their decision and have some small sense of closure and if holding their child gives them that, then it needs to be done. FWIW, both of my children's birth mom's held them and one even roomed in with them for a couple days. They needed that time to not only solidify their decision, but to say goodbye. As an adoptive parent, I am hurt by your comments and suggest that your either read up on how it works and the actual facts or just keep that thought to yourself.

    Again, OP, apologizes for the above rant and hoping that good things come your way!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Portland Metro area (Oregon)
    Posts
    5,339

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by icunurse View Post
    SIS - Whoa. I am doing my best to not be offended by that remark and I will chalk it up to lack of knowledge about adoption. EVERY woman has a right to hold their child and, until those papers are signed, it is HER child. And if they cant let go, then they shouldn't (even if you think that they should). Just because a child is being placed for adoption does NOT mean that they do not want or love that child. A birthmother has huge amounts of love for their child, so much so that they put the child's needs above their own desire to parent. Besides that, what adoptive parent would want a child that someone else wants to/can parent?! Adoptive parents do not want to become a parent via deceptive methods. Birth parents need to feel comfortable with their decision and have some small sense of closure and if holding their child gives them that, then it needs to be done. FWIW, both of my children's birth mom's held them and one even roomed in with them for a couple days. They needed that time to not only solidify their decision, but to say goodbye. As an adoptive parent, I am hurt by your comments and suggest that your either read up on how it works and the actual facts or just keep that thought to yourself.
    Thanks for putting that into words much more eloquently than I could have.

    I understand the pain of a failed adoption. I've planned for, shopped for, and expected to bring home a baby more than once. Believe me, in the middle of infertility treatments, a "is she pregnant or not?" birthmom saga, and deciding my next move to give my daughter a sibling... it's obvious that I want a baby But I would NEVER deny the birthmother what she needed to feel secure in letting me raise her child. Case in point--in an effort to adopt the child that's lived with me for more than 5 years, I participate in an open-adoption-to-be. I want DD's birthmom to know that the child she created, the child that she loved and nurtured, the child that she nursed for the time she had, is being raised well, loved, and being a kid anyone could be proud of. And, I'd do it again in a second. Why? Because I would never, COULD NEVER, be a mother a child and have to tell them, "No, your birthmom couldn't hold you because I wouldn't let her." My job as a mother is to raise my child to be loving, kind, accepting, and understanding. If I'm not compassionate towards her birth mom--mind you, a birth mom that's giving me a gift I can't give myself and more important than anything else--if I can't be compassionate towards the birth mother, how can I face my child when she/he asks if his birth mom held him? (And it will be asked. I have yet to meet an adoptee who didn't ask "did my birth mom see me? hold me? know me?")

    OP, sorry to continue with the thread highjack. Obviously, I have strong feelings about this. My forever mom NEVER spoke a bad word about my birth mom; in fact, she told me how hard my birth mom worked to care for me when I was a new born, and how much she held and loved me before she gave me to my forever mom. And, conversely, my birth mom has also spoke glowingly of my forever mom--how thankful she was that my forever mom never cut her out of my life (my birth mom did go out of my life for 28 years, but it was birth mom's choice, not something my forever family chose). Adoption is about doing what's best for the child, and having a "what's best for the adoptive mom" isn't necessarily what's in the best interest for the child. Yeah, it sucks facing the fact that a birth mom could hold a baby and totally question the adoption plan. But, it would suck more to tell your child that it's the adoptive family's fault that the birth mother never got to hold the baby she nurtured and loved and cared for while he/she was growing inside.
    --Mimi
    Mom to Lala (2004), Bonus Mom to Big Sis 1 (1991) and Big Sis 2 (1992)
    Grammy to Big Kindy Kid (2011), Big Pre-K Kid (2012),
    Grandbaby Appendage (2014), and New Baby Grandboy (summer 2017)

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    Houston, TX
    Posts
    868

    Default

    I am glad you two women had much better experiences with this than what I had seen elsewhere. I certainly didn't mean to be rude to any woman who gives up a baby, and I would not advocate deception.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    5,756

    Default

    Congratulations on being matched!!
    ~~AngelaS~~
    Mommy to 3 girls: A, G and M. (15, 11 and 8.5)

    The education of all children, from the moment that they can get along without a mother's care, shall be in state institutions at state expense.
    Karl Marx, "The Communist Manifesto"

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •