Anxiety & OCD

[Sweetum]

You probably mentioned, but what specificially happens when you don't concede to his demands or things being in a certain way? again, sorry if you already mentioned it, but the thing I am getting at is, would you be able to reason and negotiate? and make it a small negotiation - what do you want for breakast? pancakes? ok, in that case we eat now (or before the long hand has reached 10 or whatever) or some similar. Does he feel like he needs to fight for control all the time?
Another thing, you could prepare a visual schedule (yes, that means you have to plan ahead) for the next morning, go over it with DS before bedtime, and leave it in there to look at as soon as he wakes up. Yes, he might form some rigidities around things having to go that way if one particular morning for some reason you cannot do it, but if you get him to understand and follow it, you could place some things that you feel might help you next morning vs what he wants. You could also eventually introduce the concept of a wildcard which means he should expect some uncertainty and have to go with the flow.
DS has a lot of intervetions and each day sees 3 different people and the next day they may not be the same 3. And of course, some he adores and others he abhors! So, I have a visual schedule for him to look at whenever he is not sure who is going to see. I also have some activities in my stash that I pull out when a session is canceled last minute for some reason. It helps him, and has actually helped him keep track of the days of the week!
Just some ideas, hope they give you more. good luck!

[wellyes]

psychologist seems to be telling us that DS needs to be desensitized. that life is not going to be how he needs/wants it to be all the time. that school and the world isn't going to revolve around these...obsessive, often irrational, often changing and unpredictable needs

.

That sounds like he's saying 'he needs to learn to deal with life, despite his OCD'‘. That does not seem to me, based on my life experience, a successful strategy for dealing with an anxiety disorder. You can't explain to him he's wrong. You can't break his problems with just firmness. Just as you can't order an adult with depression to snap out of it, you can't convince a 3 year old whose mind is wired to be compulsive to stop being compulsive.

I am so sorry you are caught between a rock and a hard place here, your frustration and compassion are both coming though so strong, I know from my own family how maddening and heartbreaking it is to deal with these kinds of disorders.

[pinkmomagain]

Another vote for visual schedule. Totally forgot that this is something I used extensively for dd2, in fact her school took my visual schedule for the school day and incorporated it into the classroom. I would draw a schedule with pictures (or you can take photos) and have that in your child's room so that he can look at it. I would not put specific times as you don't want him to harp on that, but I would put things in the order they are going to happen (wake up, get dressed, have breakfast...etc). Make sure he has access to it and can look at it when he wants.

Other things I am now remembering that are helpful when dd was in full-blown anxiety mode:
- During meltdown, I'd say something like "You are having such a hard time and seem so sad and mad. Maybe you need a hug? I'm here for you when you need a hug." And calmly wait and repeat if necessary. This really works with my youngest one now and she'll say "I need help calming down/to stop crying. Say something to make me laugh."
- Sometimes drawing a picture while kiddo is melting down is also helpful. My middle one would stop to watch me draw. I'd draw how she seemed to be feeling, or what we need to do next.
- Start to use language about dc's thoughts/brain. Things like "Is your brain stuck? Do you need help getting it unstuck?" Down the road, CBT & mindfulness is really about being able to step back and observe/change your thinking. I think braintalk at an early age helps kids start to separate themselves from their thoughts so that eventually they can get some control over them. So like if my youngest now is thinking about something bad, she'll say that her brain won't let her stop thinking about it and she needs help "changing the channel."

Finally, I think it is hard as a parent because we are very sympathetic to what our kids are going through but ultimately they need help gaining control and part of that is not indulging their OCD/anxiety's demands...because by doing so, it becomes reinforced. It really goes against our nurturing instincts...I had such a hard time being firm, and still do to some extent...it takes practice and I don't think every aspect can be tackled all at once, but I don't think the psych is totally off-base about not allowing your ds to control everything.

[JTsMom]

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating letting him control everything either. I'm saying that it's possible to find a solution that works for everyone. Just like we wouldn't say to a child with FA, "Hey, sorry, but the world isn't going to cater to you with food needs. You're going to have to toughen up and learn to eat this.", someone with neurological differences might need some accommodations to help them succeed. If this particular routine is setting him off every single morning, and no amount of motivation or consistency is changing that, it's time to tweak the plan in a way that will work for all involved.

Maybe that means that Dad still goes in, but changes his approach to more of a cooperative one. Maybe it means taking care of the baby, then the older child- whatever works for this family.

But meltdowns beget meltdowns, ime. The more of those you can eliminate, the better the whole family feels, and the more time and energy that you can devote to catching them up with whatever lagging skills they're dealing with. The faster they gain those skills, and the self-control that goes with them, the faster you can get to the point where you don't have to give so much.

[sste]

Can you go back to the behaviorist that had the card thing that worked for two months (sounds like the visual schedule idea so many of us like). If she had one idea that worked maybe she has others. The behavior place I went to was exceptional but they would watch the parent interacting with their kid behind one-way mirrors and set up different behavior challenges (e.g., fun gym but then have to change tasks or end gym time). And then they advise. Does your former behaviorist know of anything like this or the child psych? Do people do home visits in this field? It would seem VERY helpful!! It seems to me that your DH in particular needs some coaching in the moment and some support to help him build his relationship with your DS.

Also, I did my own at home-trial with two slices of turkey bacon this morning with my own DS - - first thing upon waking and he had a radically better morning. If bacon or some other food is a treat or favored food of your DS maybe your DH can bring it in and it can help with blood sugar and also help them develop some positive AM interactions!

I guess I am wondering if you need to break this down and work on one piece of the morning at a time. Good luck to you!

[BunnyBee]

Older thread, but I got some helpful ideas for my DC, so thank you.

Have you done a sleep study? Is it possible he has apnea and isn't sleeping well/deeply?

On the hypoglycemia angle, what about trying a spoonful of almond butter before bed?

[JTsMom]

lmh- any improvement?