Another vote for visual schedule. Totally forgot that this is something I used extensively for dd2, in fact her school took my visual schedule for the school day and incorporated it into the classroom. I would draw a schedule with pictures (or you can take photos) and have that in your child's room so that he can look at it. I would not put specific times as you don't want him to harp on that, but I would put things in the order they are going to happen (wake up, get dressed, have breakfast...etc). Make sure he has access to it and can look at it when he wants.
Other things I am now remembering that are helpful when dd was in full-blown anxiety mode:
- During meltdown, I'd say something like "You are having such a hard time and seem so sad and mad. Maybe you need a hug? I'm here for you when you need a hug." And calmly wait and repeat if necessary. This really works with my youngest one now and she'll say "I need help calming down/to stop crying. Say something to make me laugh."
- Sometimes drawing a picture while kiddo is melting down is also helpful. My middle one would stop to watch me draw. I'd draw how she seemed to be feeling, or what we need to do next.
- Start to use language about dc's thoughts/brain. Things like "Is your brain stuck? Do you need help getting it unstuck?" Down the road, CBT & mindfulness is really about being able to step back and observe/change your thinking. I think braintalk at an early age helps kids start to separate themselves from their thoughts so that eventually they can get some control over them. So like if my youngest now is thinking about something bad, she'll say that her brain won't let her stop thinking about it and she needs help "changing the channel."
Finally, I think it is hard as a parent because we are very sympathetic to what our kids are going through but ultimately they need help gaining control and part of that is not indulging their OCD/anxiety's demands...because by doing so, it becomes reinforced. It really goes against our nurturing instincts...I had such a hard time being firm, and still do to some extent...it takes practice and I don't think every aspect can be tackled all at once, but I don't think the psych is totally off-base about not allowing your ds to control everything.
DD1 - 1996
DD2 - 1999
DD3 - 2005
Surfaces are for working, not for storing. - Peter Walsh