Feeling pretty demoralized

[bekahjean]

Bekahjean, did your SIL have a perspective on why so many kids are having anxiety at such young ages? I swear we do not really have a stressful life! She goes to school for 3.5 hours, 2 hours and 40 minutes of which is actually in the classroom (the rest is riding on the bus and recess). She goes to swim class with DD3 after school once a week for 30 minutes, and ballet on Saturday mornings with DD3 for 30 minutes. All at her insistence! We go to an evening art class once a month but I am considering pulling the younger two out because it is so late (6:30-8 on Fri) and they are so tired. Otherwise we don't really do anything.

The only thing she mentioned is that a lot of the kids she sees have a really strong fear of failure, which is part of their anxiety. I know my DSS, who is 15, had a really hard time with the realization he wouldn't be good at something the first time he tried it. Sometimes, he would still rather not try instead of trying and not doing well.

Again, I don't know anything. But just by what you've said matching up with what I heard SIL say, I would be looking for someone to talk to about it. I hope you find the answers you are looking for to help your family!!

[mikeys_mom]

Okay, something I don't quite get. Is it possible for this to happen even though school is going well? She gets good progress reports coming home, the latest said that she is keeping up with the work, is cheerful, very sweet, kind, a good friend to her classmates, a pleasure to have in class. I just don't understand how this is the same person who is such a wound up,unhappy, MULE at home. That's why it's starting to feel like we're doing something wrong, or not doing something we should be doing.

I also don't understand why she resists nap when it's obvious she needs one, but when she does take one it seems to not help at all.

IME, yes it is possible for kids to be fine in school and lose it at home. With DS we use a "5 point scale" to help him describe his feelings/emotions. 1 = happy, calm, content. 5 = explosion. He is 8yo so we no longer call it a temper tantrum, but an "explosion". He told his shadow/therapist at school that he will never go beyond a 3 at school because he knows it's not appropriate. He keeps everything together during the day and explodes when he gets home. Yup, that is exactly what he does.

Since they have been working with him to create a less anxious environment in school and teach him better coping strategies for his frustrations, home life has improved a ton. He comes home calmer and his explosions have lessened in both frequency and intensity.

We have been working really hard to ensure that when we see his frustration level increasing that we help him recognize it and give him techniques to calm down. It's not foolproof, but it does work most of the time. Maybe if you can find the right therapist to work with your DD and help her and you figure out her triggers and how she can calm herself, it will help her feel more in control of her environment.

Also, I know you mentioned this time of year always gets worse. We have noticed the same thing with DS. I think that Sept - Dec is still the start of the school year and things are fresh and new and there is the hope that things will go his way. Once he is back in school after winter break, it is the realization that he's got to be in class for another 6 months and meet expectations. Couple that with a long, dreary winter with many hours indoors and it literally makes him climb the walls. My kids are in camp over the summer and that structure suits him much better than school. Plus, the nice weather and being outdoors makes everyone happier.

I don't think you have done anything wrong and in fact by trying so hard to figure out how to help your DD you are helping her in the long run. It is so hard to follow through and sounds like you are doing a great job being consistent.
Also, I found the book "The explosive child" very helpful in how to parent DS. It has really helped me understand him better and pick my battles over what is worth a full-on explosion and what I just need to let-go.

[StantonHyde]

maestramommy

I think there have always been anxious kids--they were spanked into submission or shamed or told they had no right to have those feelings. I was depressed in high school for a number of reasons--the fact that my parents were making sure that the square peg fit in the round hole was not only a big cause, it was also awful because I had nowhere to turn for help. Lots of therapy in my 20s to figure out all that stuff.

So the good news is that there are ways to help anxious kids now--we know it from research. The frustrating thing is that, as a good parent, you know that there are ways and you expect yourself to explore every possible avenue and it is all so overwhelming. And anxiety provoking!!

Start the first step and go from there. It doesn't have to be perfect--it just has to be better than it was before.

[gatorsmom]

Maestramommy, you are a great mom. Everyone here knows that and so should you. Some kids are just so hard to figure out. I know that personally because I just cannot figure out my Greenbean. Every time the OT and I think we have him figured out, he throws us for a loop. It doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. I think the only way someone could call me a bad mom is if I quit trying to help him. Just keep looking fir answers for your dd.

[trales]

Your A and my F might just be the same kid. I could write your post. I am going to study the responses.

[ShanaMama]

Melinda, I've been following this thread but never posted. So many pp made excellent & fascinating points. It's clear to me as well that you are an excellent, devoted mother. Somewhere during labor those guilt genes just sneek in. No guilt. You are amazing. I hope you find a solution that makes things more bearable for you & DD.

[arivecchi]

No advice but just wanted to offer hugs. You are a great mom and person. Hoping things get easier.