My friends stink

[blisstwins]

I have started to post this so many times and then talk myself out of it. I have been told many times in my life that I am "too sensitive." Whatever.

Friend #1
I adored this woman. We have been friends for about 5 years and at times were very, very close. I don't really know what her deal is, but I worked up the nerve to talk to her in the fall about my hurt feelings. It was one of the hardest relationship talks I have had in a long time and I was only able to do it because I wanted to preserve our friendship. She swore up and down I was misreading things, swore she adored and cared about us, etc. etc. I was so relieved and now, months later, we are right back to bad. I am sad, but I guess I mourned this loss in the fall. Now I am just disappointed.

Our friendship started when my father had just died, my husband was just starting out and making a low salary, and we both SAH. I went back to work, DH became a partner, and she is insistent that she continue to SAH though money is a gruesome issue. She is a lawyer, but won't consider work until her daughter is in high school. She often says it is "about values" and her decision to "be there for her daughter--that is my #1 job." I have gotten her a lot of work as a sub and other things at my school and honestly I half think she is only friendly because of this. Get togethers are almost exclusively her house, her terms....just makes me sad. I feel as though she liked me when she was in control, but is less interested in a relationship between equals. KWIM? You have no idea how much I enjoyed my friendship with this woman. I just don't have control here and I have to accept that. I won't work at a friendship that is not equally valued by the other party.

The other friendship is not much that. It is a woman I have known for a long time. She went through a divorce and if you knew how much I listened and supported. Her daughter now goes to a G&T school while her son is at my children's school in the preK (where we met). All I hear is how bad my kids' school is and how glad she is that her kids don't have to go there. Really? Do I have to listen to this? SHe told me her daughter lost a something I had given her that had become a favorite. I emailed back and said she could have my daughter's item (the same). She did not answer my email. When I saw her the next day and started to ask if she could watch my kids for 1 minute until the school doors opened (she needed to wait there with her child) because I had an exceptionally tight morning, she said NO before I finished my sentence. She must have seen it on my face because she then said: "what? Oh, yes" at which point I told her not to worry about it.

I don't want people like these in my life even if it means no friends. Acquaintances and a good book with have to do.

[truly scrumptious]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really hurts when a friendship seems to die out before you are ready to move on. It happened to me a couple of times and it was painful.
Having come out the other side, I can now see why the friendships ended, and realize that a lot of it was about the other person and where they were in their lives - sometimes it just doesn't mesh well with where you are. Your instinct about friend #1 might be correct - she has difficulty relating to you as an equal. But that says more about her than it does about you.
I hope you are able to disconnect from these relationships that don't fulfill you any more, and can open yourself up for new, healthy relationships. But I know it's still hard when it happens.
Remember you have a community of virtual friends here

And I agree, they stink.

[blisstwins]

Thanks so much for your kind words and support. You have no idea how much I like friend #1. We adore her daughter too. My kids ask for her all the time and when we are together it is great. I think I would be sadder if I had not tried so hard in the fall. I have never, in my whole life, been as honest or vulnerable as I was in when we talked. I mostly think this has nothing to do with me, but it does hurt. I really appreciate being able to share here and getting that support. Friendship breakup hurt so much, but we are supposed to pretend that they don't.

[Still-in-Shock]

In both cases, you started out being in a similar situation with your friends, and when the situations changed, the friendships changed into something you aren't comfortable with.

In the first case, I would spend time with her and her children when it makes sense for you, but look for other friends for your kids.

In the second case, I am wondering if she is "acting out" her frustrations with her ex on you and the schools. After all, just because her marriage is over, her dealing with the ex-husband have to continue unless one of them gives up custody of the kids. She may be jealous of your situation. Or she may be working through what she wants in her new life. If she is recently divorced, give her more time. If this has been going on for a while, you may have to let her go have her new life without you. I know you invested a lot of emotional time with her, and while she may seem ungrateful, she may also be uncomfortable that she "owes" you.

[blisstwins]

[QUOTE I know you invested a lot of emotional time with her, and while she may seem ungrateful, she may also be uncomfortable that she "owes" you.[/QUOTE]

I don't think she owes me AT all and I am sure that the comments are all coming from her angst. I just don't like not counting--doesn't occur to her that her comments are hurtful to me. This friendship was mostly situational--our kids were in the same class. But we spent a lot of time together and at some point I have to decide that she is just selfish. Does a divorce give you a 2+ year pass to be insensitive to everyone else? I have never asked for a single favor and when I did she did not even let me finish the sentence.

Friend #1 is the one who really hurt. She is one of the few people I have met in motherhood that I really really liked. I will still interact with her, but I feel like now I know and I can't care more about our friendship than she does.

But thanks so much for your insights. I really hate holding these feelings in....

[bisous]

You definitely deserve some nice friends!

Is it really dead with friend #1? Is she distancing herself from you deliberately or do your lives just not "fit" anymore? Is it possible she feels judged for her choices? Can you invite her out to do something fun and see if there is anything left that is worth holding on to?

Friend #2, I just don't understand her response at all!

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I hope you feel better getting this in writing. Maybe it will help you know what to do to move forward with these people.

Hugs!

[barkley1]

Ugh I'm so sorry. I wrote a post very similar to yours a few months ago....it really hurts when you put more into a friendship than the other person. My "best friend" ....well, I won't even go into it -you can look at my BFF post if you want - but I have been really bummed by her at times, bc, like you, think she's someone I really get along with great, we are just alike in so many ways, etc.


*hugs*

[blisstwins]

I tend to be like your friend--when I am busy or down I drop off. That said, my closest friend cancelled plans on us and seemed really unavailable kind of out of the blue. It hurt my feelings terribly and I missed her. I finally said something and I think she had just kind of taken us for granted. We got organized and started to see each other more regularly again, albeit our children are friends so they are always always in the plans.

Ha...just went back and read your thread, Barkley. I had posted about this friend on your thread. SHe and I did get together a bit over the holidays and so I guess I was feeling better about her a couple of months ago. Thing is, my friend always makes time for other friends, but almost never for us. We can really only get together on weekends, but she says that is family time not available. BUt she sent an email inviting us to an event her friend was hosting last weekend and she changed her family plans for it. (We went--we always go to what she invites us to). Then this weekend she invited us to an event (told us about it) that is also in the window she usually uses for family time (she means visiting her mother or brother). I planned for us to go and then asked if she wanted a playdate afterwards as my kids miss her daughter. She said no, can't, she made plans already--to go to another friends event-- and will be rushing around. She subs at my school--I hooked her up with this work--and she always used to email or call to let me know when she would be there so we could have lunch. This week I just ran into her at work--she did not even mention it. Certainly she doesn't have to check in with me, but obviously she is much less interested in our friendship than I am and man does it sting. I really don't think it is me. She is uber dominant, in a wonderful way. She organizes great parties at her place all the time, is a girl scout leader, puts her heart in all. But it really has to be her show. She definitely liked me more when I was needy, and I was. That was a really rare moment in my life--my father died and all hell broke loose in my family.She has made little comments here and there about money. I made the mistake of getting in the habit of treating often when we went out because she often talks about how difficult things are (I can't even buy a bra!) and with hindsight that was a mistake. I basically stopped, had invited her to my house instead, etc. Still, she seems to prefer people who think she is wonderwoman and are content to have friendship revolve around events she picks and playdates on her turf. If I initiate, she declines. Sucks.

Barkley, it sounds as though you have not had any resolution with your friend either. It feels so unfair. Our friends should be happy we like them so much! I hope your friend is just a flake. I think mine really doesn't like me on some level, or at least it has evolved to that. This was the first friend I was excited about since college and I am in my 40s.

I should add that I started another friendship with a woman who is a parent at my kids school. We had several really nice times together. Our kids are marvelous friends, etc. Then she goes and makes a crazy antisemitic comment that blindsided me. There goes that. It is so hard to find friends and I really dislike casual friendship. I like to be connected and really care. That kind of intimacy seems almost impossible.

[KpbS]

Sending hugs! I am so sorry things have not worked out with these friends. I think you are right that they are both not good friends now for various reasons. I think that insecurities and jealousies can ruin good friendships and it seems like this may be the case for your former friends. Some people just cannot handle it when people make different life decisions than they do (going back to work, changing kids' school) or their status changes (1 income family to 2 incomes with greater income). Their actions certainly speak loud and clear.

I've got friend woes too--don't feel bad or like you are the only one! I have a really hard time finding friends I have much in common with and when I finally do it seems like most of the time they have plenty of friends and don't need any new ones or are simply not interested in being friends with me. I keep telling myself it's a season of life and glad I have my DH and my DC.

[minnie-zb]

I'm sorry -- I feel for you. I think it is hard to make and keep friends when you are an adult. I have a lot of envy when I look around and see folks who have these amazing friendships and I keep wondering where I went wrong?