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  1. #131
    avd3875 is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    You've gotten such great advice from everyone, and I have nothing I can think of to add, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.
    Last edited by avd3875; 07-19-2013 at 05:01 PM. Reason: spelling
    Annemarie
    DS 2003
    DD 2009

  2. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by boolady View Post
    I think you MUST focus on fixing you; specifically, how you feel about yourself. I know from things you've posted that there are issues that go back way further than your relationship with DH, and until you sort them out and realize that you're worth something, regardless of what DH or anyone in your family thinks, or whether they're angry with you or agree or disagree with your decisions, nothing is ever going to change. I'll say it-- posters have mentioned how your relationship with your DH will affect your son, but also think about your DD. Do you want her to feel like you do about yourself when she grows up? I'm sure you don't. I'm sure you will want her to know that she is just as capable and worthy of love and respect and all good things as her brother. But if things continue this way, and as your kids get older, they're both going to be learning a lot of lessons, especially implicit ones, that I'm sure you don't want them learning. And I have seen, in an extended family member situation of DH's, that when a husband/father treats his wife like garbage, the kids are doing the same by the time they're tweens.

    Wouldn't it be freeing to not feel so bad about yourself all the time? To not feel trapped and subject to everyone's desires but your own? You can attain that, and you deserve to. You seem to have so much love and kindness to offer but you've go to show yourself some first. Then, you can hold out for someone who shows you the love and kindess you deserve in response. And you should. You need to. For you and for your kids.
    This is very good advice. I wouldn't expend one more ounce of energy on trying to get him "fixed" (he may not even be fixable) and focus completely on yourself. I think your overall situation will only improve when you've worked through your self-esteem issues.
    DD1 - 1996
    DD2 - 1999
    DD3 - 2005

    Surfaces are for working, not for storing. - Peter Walsh

  3. #133
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    Hoping today is a better day in your world.
    Happy Healthy and Handsome DS 8/13

  4. #134
    Corie's Avatar
    Corie is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Maybe I missed this somewhere but how are you even sure that he gave your letter to the psychologist? He probably crumpled it up and tossed
    it in the trash then just told you that he gave the letter to the pyschologist.

    Your husband really sounds like an ass. Hang in there!!!
    Corie

    "A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight."
    -fortune cookie

  5. #135
    karstmama's Avatar
    karstmama is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    some good advice in the thread, and some i'm sure won't ring true to you for whatever reason. keep thinking things through.

    i really hope today was a day with some sunshine.
    mama to j karst, former 25 weeker, 12/06

  6. #136
    niccig is online now Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    I think it's a guy thing to want to rush to fixing things. Dh told our marriage therapist that he just wants to know what to do to fix things. She's making him focus on emotions - what I'm feeling, what he's feeling..and he just wants to know what to do to make things better. It's not that simple or quick to fix. No advice. Just commiserations.

  7. #137
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    I have every sympathy for you. But I don't get it. I've never read one positive thing about your DH. I've never read anything about him and your son having a good relationship. I just read that he's exasperated by DS and has said cruel things. And saying you broke DS. Maybe you think DS would be devastated, but you're the adult, you have to make tough decisions for DS's welfare. Anyway, I hope it works out in whatever way is best for your kids.
    Mommy to my wonderful, HEALTHY twin girls
    6/08 - Preemies no more!

  8. #138
    lmh2402's Avatar
    lmh2402 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    thank you all for your thoughts and support

    as i'm sure you know, every detail of my life - good and bad - is not shared here. however, i will freely admit that i have sought advice and support for the harder, more difficult times here. so they are far more documented. and if i'm being totally honest, yes...it's pretty clear that things are not good. they're far from great. they're often really not good at all.

    but, my children really do adore their dad. even DD, who i wasn't srue she would even recognize him given how little she saw him for months and months. yet, somehow, she knew it was her dad.

    and yes, he's said some really awful, cruel things in days and times of frustration about both of the kids, and about me. and i'm not excusing that at all. never would. but i do know that he loves the kids. he's DS' best buddy and playmate...during the times that he's actually around. without his face stuck in a blackberry.

    for nwo, i'm definitely not in a place in my life or marriage, where either of us is ready to walk away. not yet.

    i grew up in a marriage that was together for the kids. i know the damage that it can cause. and it's fair to ask what i would want for my kids, if they were in my shoes.

    this is an excruciatingly hard situation. i wish i had a better set of answers - for myself, for H, for my kids, for you guys.

    but i don't. i'm just doing my best each day, and some days are better than others.

    anyway, i wanted to say thanks. i'm going to step out of this tread, but i do appreciate the support and the advice and the hugs.

    i know i've sought it many times.
    mama to my awesome sporty boy (4/09) , precocious little girl (7/12) , and loving doggies (10/05 & 1/14)

  9. #139
    MamaMolly is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Honey it is early days yet. I don't think you are going to have the answers to all those tough questions right away. You are going to have to work through this stuff and decide what you want and how to go about getting it. Only you know how the good and the bad measure up, only you know what is worth fighting for and what is worth giving up on. I wish you all the best as you travel this journey.
    Molly
    Lula '06 outgrew her allergy to milk & eggs, still allergic to peanuts and cats
    Dolly '10

  10. #140
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    Good luck. I know it can't be easy. I hope everything works out well and you get to a better place.
    Mommy to my wonderful, HEALTHY twin girls
    6/08 - Preemies no more!

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