end of my rope

[Sweetum]

DS has been having aggressive behavior on and off. It's not like he needs to be restrained, but he can whack people out of the blue or for some reason that he is unable to express himself. We are working on it for those situations. But I end up taking the worst of his blows - things that he does not do with other people (and works very hard at controlling) he will do to me - bite, butt, crash etc. And even when he frustrated with other people he will come on to me. It has gotten really boring. I am unhappy that I have to take it. sorry, I know this is not the BP but I have had it. So, I am trying to think of ways to completely exterminate the behavior. I want him to think before he does it to me and then I can look for replacement behavior. The strategy of providing replacement behavior at this time is proving useless and he needs to understand that he is hurting me. he seems to think I am his punching bag. And it is not doing me any good either - I am no longer able to hold my patience.
When we are at home, we simply put him in time-out (calm your body and then you are ok to be with other people) but this does not work say at a class or therapy session where he goes for me. Due to not doing anything outside of home, he is not getting the strong "not ok" message, I feel. So, I need something that works in all environments.
I do understand that consequences must be natural. But this one doesn't have any natural consequences and sometimes he doesn't get the natural ones and I do have to take away a privilege to make it count. (eg. he spat on me, and I asked him to sit in time-out and after that told him that he does not get to come to my bed that night. DH and I fought hard that night to keep him there and stood our ground, and yes, none of us got enough sleep! Now he knows not to do that, and even when he starts, stops himself). I have been reinforcing the idea that when you make bad choices, things that you like will have to go away. But somehow the aggression seems to be oblivious to all of this.
Today, he butted his head into me at a class he and I were attending. I told him at that time that he will get a time out, and he stopped further, but it is one of those things that done even once can be bad. And I am afraid that left to himself he might do it to the teacher or another kid. While this has not happened ever, I don't want to wait till it happens. On our way home from class, I was quiet and did not engage with him, we came home and I put him in a time-out after letting him know why. He was shocked and as always cried but accepted it (he really dislikes time-out and tries to get out of it). But I have no idea if this is doing anything to him. I feel that consequences should be immediate and I am unable to do anything immediate.
Any advice/help would be great. I don't want him to get away with it because of his Autism. So, I am looking for things that parents of typical kids would do, however harsh it may seem for an Autistic child. If me, his mom, has had enough, I doubt other people would be too forgiving.

[ArizonaGirl]

I am sorry you are dealing with this, special needs child or not when you are the victim of violent behavior by your child it is so hard.

My DS doesn't have autism however he does have ADHD and major impulse control issues and for him the consequence needs to be immediate not later so a try very hard to be immediate with our reaction and at this age a will do time out outside of the house in any corner that is available and he knows this

[Gena]

Your DS is about 4.5, right? That seems to be a really hard age for our little ones with autism. Their emotions are so intense and they often can't figure out an appropriate way to express what they are feeling. Plus impulse control is really bad at that age, even for typical kids and more so for our kids. It's a "heat of the moment" reaction.

I'm not going to give you advice. I'm going to tell you our story - take from it whatever you want.

My DS went through an aggressive/violent period when he was 4.5 as well. It was awful and seemed to develop suddenly. I got the worst of it, but he also lashed out at teachers, therapists, and other children. The kids at preschool and at our weekly autism playgroup were afraid of him. And you can't learn social skills when the other kids are afraid to have you come near them. I was afraid to take him places, because I never knew if he would end up hurting someone. Then one day at playgroup he gave me a concussion. I honestly don't remember anything else from that afternoon. I don't even remember driving us home after playgroup. After that happened, I realized I needed to due something before DS seriously injured somebody - especially another child.

I talked with several moms from our autism support group. I talked with several of DS's doctors. I agonized and then made the difficult decision to put DS on a low dose of Risperdal. And I say that *I* made the decision because DH was totally against it. I saw a difference in him in less than a week. Instead of lashing out at me or someone else, he would go to a quiet corner and cry. That was heartbreaking to watch, but amazing to see him try to get a handle on what he was feeling. The medicine did not eliminate his emotions, but it took the edge off them enough that we could start to teach him more appropriate ways to handle what he was feeling. We used CBT tools like the 5 point scale, social stories, role playing with puppets, and emotion charts. It took a lot of work, but that work would not have been possible without the medication.

A little over a year after we started the Risperdal, we took him off it. To our relief, the violence did not come back. Over the years he's had some minor aggressiveness related to anxiety that we've had to address. But even that is nowhere near what we were dealing with at 4.5 years old.

Again, this is not advice; I'm just sharing our experience.

Hugs, because I know it's hard.

[ArizonaGirl]

We are on a low dose or Dispersal too, just FWIW.

[o_mom]

Do time-outs work at home?

If so, I would consider finding a way to make them work when you are out. Some people have had luck with taking a portable 'time out spot' with them wherever they go. Something as simple as a small throw rug would work (like this round one from IKEA: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70239437/). You could start by making that his time out spot at home and then taking it along with you or even having two.

[annex]

We were in this situation too (though he was typically more aggressive with his dad and older sister than with me) shortly after DS turned 4 1/2 as well. I ended up hiring a BCBA (Board Certified Behavior Analyst) that works almost exclusively with families doing home ABA programs to come in and do behavior consulting/coaching with us. She interviewed us and helped create some data sheets where we took ABC data (antecedent behavior consequence) for several weeks after a target behavior occurred, as well as had try some video-ing to see if we could catch the outbursts happening. That was far cheaper than having her hang out with our family trying to catch him acting out. She then did some general strategy sessions with us on how to handle ourselves around DS, and then tips more specific to the trends she found in our data. Unfortunately there was no simple function she could find for his aggression (he uses it for attention, escape and/or when denied favorite items) so we really do have to stay on our toes remembering what triggered the behavior so we don't reward it with attention and/or accidentally reinforce it by letting him out of the task he is trying to escape.

The biggest difference by far though in her overall behavior tips turned out to be having us carry a timer that vibrated every 3 minutes to remind us to provide positive reinforcement. It was so easy to cycle into trying to punish out this type of behavior (that had worked with our older, neurotypical DD) when it just doesn't work for ASD kids the same way. Though DS can lose the opportunity to access a reward, we also have to provide clear rules for when/how he can earn it (otherwise he becomes a hot mess of escalating behaviors) and then try to turn his attention to a simple task he can complete and get rewarded for right away to "reset" him.

That said, he became even more aggressive at school, where it's much harder to get all staff on board with this type of system, and that led to the return of the aggression at home as well. We are seeing a psychiatrist this week to explore meds as well, while adding on some regular home visits from our BCBA's technician staff to help us work more effectively at home on these behaviors.

In terms of when you are out in public, can you try carrying a reward chart you subtly add smiles or star stickers to for him to quickly glance at (or give him a m&m at the same time too to reinforce the good actions)? I would tell him that he is getting smiles for using his words/gentle hands, and that when he has earned x amount he will get a bigger reward (new toy, ipadd time, etc.) at home. My DS for example might need to get 12 smiles and I may be carrying a sheet with 20 squares to put them in. I'll check him on his chart periodically and then wait until we've left the event to add them up. (I learned the hard way that if he needs to get all the squares on a reward chart filled in, I'll have lost his good behavior for the rest of the day the first time he misses a smile/star.) If we get home and he learns then he hasn't earned enough, then we can have a safe meltdown, or a very happy kid if he's succeeded.

I also try to be proactive when out and give him lots of "breaks" in events that have a lot of people/noise. e.g. he knows he can choose a quick walk down the hall to a water fountain, or a quick game on my phone to help him calm his senses before they get overwhelmed and starts using aggression to escape those feelings.

[hillview]

I am sorry you are dealing with this, special needs child or not when you are the victim of violent behavior by your child it is so hard.

My DS doesn't have autism however he does have ADHD and major impulse control issues and for him the consequence needs to be immediate not later so a try very hard to be immediate with our reaction and at this age a will do time out outside of the house in any corner that is available and he knows this

this is us too. I love the idea of a timer for positive feedback. Our behavior therapist suggested a star chart (works only a little with DS2), I find an IMMEDIATE time out can be a little helpful. Honestly 4-5.5 was a very hard time for us -- DS2 would hit me often. It was not at all good. Good luck. You are not alone