Letting go of thoughts about another child

[#2ontheway]

I know this topic has been touched before and please feel free to direct me to a thread if this has been covered.

I would really like to have another child, but I think DH is really done. As sad as I am about it, I think it's probably time for me to move on. I just think it's not helpful to me to go on wondering if he might change his mind, and I also don't feel right continuing to push him (and obviously he would need to be on board with the decision).

But I don't know the best way to do that. I'm not opposed to counseling, but I sort of wonder if I just need time and eventually I'll come to peace with it.

If you've BTDT, I'd love some suggestions.

Also, in particular, did it help you to do something permanent to cut off the possibility (vasectomy)? We haven't done that yet and I'm wondering if I should just tell DH to go ahead. I'm not sure why he hasn't yet, frankly, but I'm wondering if having that teeny possibility still floating out there is not helping me to move on.

Thanks.

[lalasmama]

In my experience, DH's snippy didn't help me come to terms with being done. It made me cry for days, and I still can't let the "just one more" idea go.

DH is not on board with another. $1000 in counseling made me accept it momentarily, but.... I still dream and pray for another one. I'm that wife praying for the 0.001% failure rate (or whatever it is!) to be us.

[westwoodmom04]

My husband has never been willing to consider having more than two. My pregnancies/births were more complicated than most, although not horrible, so for a long time, I didn't want to think about being pregnant again. There were definitely times I thought about a third when my kids were toddlers, but it was never an overwhelming desire. As the kids got older, I thought about it less and less. Now, with kids at 6 and 8, I have zero desire for another child. If you can't get it out of your thoughts, I think a therapist would be helpful.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We have a big gap between kids and that was bc we were both done and happy with one. I, however, got bit by the baby bug when ds1 was 4. Dh eventually went along with it. He'd have been happy with one but didn't feel super strongly. Sometimes he reminds me that ds2 was my idea. I'm on my phone so I can't see the age(s) of your kids but maybe you need to give him more time? I know I wasn't cut out for multiple little ones. The age gap let us see and live the light at the end of the sleepless tunnel and get to a place where kiddos are pretty easy, fun and independent. I think that helped. Nowadays I may get a wisp of wanting another but the pros of moving these little guys forward instead of starting again just feels really good. Plus, the reason I wanted another was more bc I missed having a little one around. Thing with that is that that baby would grow up too. I can keep producing babies every 5 years to have a little one always around. At some point you just need to move on. There's my random wisdom for the day. Best of luck!

[Cuckoomamma]

We have two girls and have had six miscarriages. I really wanted another child, but it doesn't seem to be that it was meant to be. I try to focus on all the positives of having the two we have and not more, but I still feel bad deep down. I'm 46 and actually stopped counting how old I was so I could avoid facing the fact that I'm too old to conceive now. We couldn't afford to adopt a child and I've just tried to move on. Time has made it slightly better and I hope that one day I'll truly be at peace with it. For now I do a good job of faking it on a daily basis and hope that it will one day I won't need to fake it anymore :-) Our youngest is 8 and I still have baby clothes. I only started letting some of it go last year. Every time I thought about getting rid of it I'd cry. I have no advice, just hugs.

[ha98ed14]

Much of my reason for being one-and-done is because of my own health issues so in that sense, I did not want one because I did not want to live through being prg again. However, for a long time I did think about a second from the perspective of "A family is not complete with out 2 children; therefore, I should have another one." It does/did not help that we are part of a religious community where big families are encouraged and prevalent. SIL has 4 and would have had more if not for her age. My sister has 2 and thinks I am being somewhat mean to DD for not having more. Sometimes I feel the pressure on all sides. What has really helped me is... this will sound callous... I stopped oooing and ahhhing over other people's babies. I just stopped. Stopped asking questions about sonograms. All I would ask is "how are you feeling?" to the expectant moms. I stopped asking about the babies' latest milestones. Stopped going to baby showers and baptisms except for close, close friends (my church invites all the ladies regardless of age.) I stopped keeping track of how many children families in my community had/ have after I had DD. It's to the point now where I don't know if the baby a mom at church is holding is #3 or 4 or 5. I gave away my unwanted baby items and packed away the sentimental ones.

Now I focus on building relationships with people with kids DD's age (early elementary). We talk school and sports and friends and activities and school board politics. I sit on two committees for the city and they have zero to do with kids. I work part time on public infrastructure projects and volunteer at the school. I engaged my brain beyond building my family and my guilt for "making" DD and only and found passions elsewhere. I still feel the twinge sometimes, but I just don't have time to dwell on it.

That's what helped me. I hope you can find peace. If not peace, then I hope you can fill your time and heart with things beyond babies that can be meaningful to you.

[Ms B]

We couldn't afford to adopt a child and I've just tried to move on.

As an adoptive parent, I just wanted to tell you that if money is the obstacle to adoption there are many adoption options out there for older children (age to 2 to 3 and up) that involve very low costs or even state subsidies.

DH and I both know that we are not up to another infant after dealing with The Biscuit's infancy as 40-somethings. However, neither one of us have ruled out bringing another child into our home once The Biscuit is to the point where a younger sibling would be feasible through the state (so probably once he is at least six or seven).

That said, only you know if what you want is to parent more as opposed to being pregnant, giving birth and having an infant in the house. My view is that infancy is a very short stage (and for me pregnancy was a no-go), but parenting is for the rest of your life. If parenting is your goal, you can make it happen again.

Otherwise, hugs. I get the mourning, but have to say that The Biscuit's adoption and knowing that we have the option to parent more down the road helped me get through it.

[azzeps]

I already feel spread too thinly with the two that I have, that when I think wistfully about a third, it is pretty easy to remind myself how much harder it would be with three. Most of the time I feel like I'm in the trenches. I don't need to add to that stress. Plus, my DH couldn't handle it. He can't emotionally handle the stress from the two we have. He'd be off his rocker with a third. So it's really not an option. Do I get wistful around babies? Yes, sometimes. But with two crappy sleepers for children, adding a third crappy sleeper just does not seem wise. I am ready to be done with diapers and non-sleeping children!!! That, and, financially, we would like to be able to help our kids with college costs, and it would be hard to do that for a third child. At the rate we're going, they will be lucky if they have enough to buy their BOOKS much less pay tuition!!! So that's where I'm at with adding to the family. Not happening. I think the thing that's been most helpful in arriving at this decision was DH's mental health.

[ZeeBaby]

We have two, but DH has 4 total. He has two from a prior marriage and we raised them together. I would have seriously thought of having more, but medically it really wasn't feasible for me. I am just not good pregnant. I think about adoption seriously, but I am 41 and DH is 45. I would only consider foster care adoption to open our home to a child in need.

I had to give up my desire to have more because it was too dangerous. I had to learn acceptance and be thankful for the two I have. It isn't easy.