jekyll & hyde

[Sweetum]

I am posting again about DS' aggression. It has increased and is becoming more malicious, it seems. When he is at school, he is grinding his teeth and attacking the other kids, shoving them, and hitting them in their face, and is constantly expressing verbally how he wants to hurt the other kids.
the ABA team has started a more focussed program for this, since it has only been increasing. While they are at that, I find myself at the end of my rope. again.
it seems to me that DS is completely out of control. I find that he targets some kids. And they are the typical ones. Never lashes out at the other kids with ASD. It's like some sort of brotherhood...
I personally feel that he perceives the difference between him and the typical children and has some sort of resentment...? I really don't know, but it just seems like it. And it seems that he can't control it in the moment. But knows later fully that what he did was not right. He doesn't like that I get sad that there were a number of incidents and tells me he wants to make me happy. That's why I say it's a jekyll and hyde situation....
I am at the point where I am wondering if it is time to start telling him that he is indeed different. That his body does not perceive things as other children and that's why he is different from them (or vice versa). I am wondering if this will help him realize in the moment that although they are doing something he doesn't like, he probably doesn;t like it because he is different. I am also wondering if I should also show him examples of other kids with ASD and how they behave differently because of the same reason. Of course, I would emphasize that different is ok, but just acknowledge that there is a difference.

It is scary for me to think of telling my almost 5 year old about his condition. It breaks my heart. But I think it needs to be done at some point and I wonder if earlier is better than later. I understand that he may not have the maturity to comprehend it all, but at least start thinking of being different, and hence having a different life than most other children. I really need some advice, and P&PT too if you can spare it.

[ShanaMama]

Huge hugs. I am sorry for the pain & frustration you are feeling. I have no BTDT advice but I recently read a magazine column written by a 13 yo boy with Aspergers (together with his mom). They featured him in serial form & it was not only fascinating, it was extremely inspiring. This boy clearly knows his issues & was very open about his struggles to integrate what he learns with situations he faces- especially social situations. (Eta: he went into great detail describing specific social situations like his bar mitZva & he explained his instincts on how to act & how he had been taught to act. For example greeting gusts at his bar mitZva.)
When the series ended I was left with tremendous admiration for this boy's mother who clearly puts enormous efforts into making her son aware of his challenges & teaching him (through various professionals) to interact with the world on a way that he can tolerate. She really seems to be giving him tools for optimal functioning in a world that really doesn't understand his difficulties. Eta: This boy also wrote with a beautiful clarity that he is unique & special and not abnormal somehow. I felt that the mom got all the credit for inculcating that in him.

I don't know your DS's exact issues, and I understand you have a lot of angst about this issue. However, instead of looking at it like you're destroying him by explaining his condition perhaps you can look at it as a way to empower him. There have been many other posts where pp discussed their DC being aware that they were out of control. Is it unlikely that he already senses he's different? (You mentioned the 'brotherhood'..) He may actually feel relief to have it discussed. Also, the benefit of you bringing it up is that you set the tone. You can frame the discussion in an upbeat way instead of him coming to you already beaten down.

[Gena]

Hugs. It is hard.

I've posted about this before, but my DS had a lot of aggression at that age too. Like you describe, it had a lot to do with a lack of impulse control, which is hard for all kids at that age, but seems to be especially difficult for our little ones with ASD.

It did reach a really low point for us. It got to the point where I felt that I could not take him places because I never knew if he was going to hurt someone. And other kids became afraid of him, which made it all the more difficult for him to learn social skills. For DS, I made the really hard decision to put him on a low dose of Risperdal. We saw a change in his behavior within a week. The medicine took the edge of his emotions enough that we were able to teach him better ways of reacting to his frustrations and anger. We used social stories, emotion charts, the 5 point scale, and other tools to help him learn new skills. It was a lot of work. After a year we were able to take him off the medication and his aggression did not return.

I'm NOT advising you to medicate your child. I'm just sharing what worked for us. I strongly believe that in situations like this medication on its own is not a solution; but it can be a valuable tool to help get through certain stages. And I think its important to know that starting a medication does not mean a kid will be on it forever.

There are a lot of different opinions about when and how to tell a child about having autism. Personally, I believe in sharing the news at an early age in a simple, straightforward manner and allowing the understanding to deepen as the child gets older. DS has always been exposed to the words "autism" and "autistic". He could read well before the age of 3 (hyperlexia) and we had books and articles about autism all over the house. We are active in the autism community and attend a lot of autism events and spend time with other families who have kid with autism. He listens when we go to doctor appointments and discuss autism. So really, I don't know how we could have not told him about it at an early age. Autism has always been a part of his identity, just like his being Catholic is part of his identity.

Of course DS did not understand autism at a young age. But he didn't understand Catholicism at a young age either. As DS has grown, he has come to better understand autism and in what ways autism makes him different from other people. As he has developed a better understanding of autism, he has started to learn how to advocate for himself and how to express what he needs to function better. That has been an amazing thing to see and I am so proud of DS when he is able to do this. I really do think the hard thing for DS has not been knowing that he has autism, but knowing that DH and I don't. But DS tells us he loves us, even though we are different and we don't always make sense.

Being part of the autism community has been important to DS. Like you said, there is a sense of brotherhood there. DS is more comfortable around other kids with autism than with typical kids. And it helps him to know that there are other kids and adults like him. We also participate in programs and events that are for special needs, but not autism specific. This has allowed DS to understand that people are different in all kinds of different ways.

Have you seen the Tobin books? They can be a good starting point for discussion:
Tobin Learns to Make Friends
Friends Learn About Tobin

These books don't use the word autism or any other diagnosis, but the behaviors and traits they describe are pretty strong on the autism spectrum. This can be helpful if you want to talk about differences without introducing the word autism. In the first book, Tobin is a little red train engine who wants to make friends with the other engines, but keeps getting things wrong. He learns the rules about making friends and practices them. In the second book, the other engines learn to understand and accept Tobin's differences and appreciate his unusual skills (number sense and excellent memory). The pair of books are really great for mixed groups of kids because they encourage mutual understanding. So they can be a nice gift to your child's teacher or classroom, if you do that sort of thing.

Again, hugs. I know how hard it is.