Posting for BBB'er who needs advice

[queenmama]

DH's parents stayed together for the kids and now because it makes financial sense to be together. It's not a way to live and I am not advocating for the OP to do this. I am though advocating for her to try everything before she gives up on what she says is a good marriage but no spark or romance. Maybe it was just the way it was written, but it sounds in the OP that her DH tries to do things to be romantic and get the spark there, but I don't read what the OP is doing to encourage this as well. It really takes 2 working at a marriage. I can also see that all the time and attention given to the emotional affair partner took any connection and intimacy away from her marriage. Of course the marriage isn't going to be good when OP has given her time, energy and emotions to a 3rd person.

I'm suggesting she jump all in, 150% and try everything. For this to work her DH needs to know how she is feeling. How can he help and work on things if he doesn't know how troubled the marriage is. The OP mentioned she's good at acting that's she's OK with things. The OP may also need to work out individually what she needs from her DH and marriage? My therapist and the 5 languages of love helped me work out what I needed from DH and now he knows, he does those things every day and I do what he needs. The OPs DH sounds like he would be willing to really work at things.

And as another child of divorce, I strongly advise trying everything first. I know people say kids are resilient, but that doesn't mean they don't get hurt. They will have to deal with the fallout from divorce for the rest of their lives. If after really trying, it doesn't work, she'll know she did everything possible.

Oh, I am with you 100%! See my comment upthread! I was just responding to that bit of the post about running off when the kids are 18, which I think the PP meant half-jokingly anyway!



Lara

[niccig]

Oh, I am with you 100%! See my comment upthread! I was just responding to that bit of the post about running off when the kids are 18, which I think the PP meant half-jokingly anyway!

I agree that leaving at any age will affect the family.

[Globetrotter]

I wanted to reply to this as I have a friend who left her dh because there were never any sparks on her end. She, too, had an emotional affair with an old friend, but it fizzled out after her separation. She said that gave her the final push to leave her ex, but it's true that the grass is always greener on the other side. I think almost any relationship will be exciting initially, but the real test comes when you have to deal with bills, kids and housework! The biggest difference between OP and my friend's situation is that her ex didn't help out much around the house or with the kids until they separated. They used to argue all the time, too, and he was definitely not her best friend!
They have two kids and co parent on a daily basis and even take vacations together for the sake of the kids. I know that's unusual, but that was their way of putting the kids first yet still separating, and she said she won't get involved with anyone until the kids are out of the house, which is a long time from now. I don't think *I* could do it that way, but she seems okay with it. I suspect she might change her mind if she or her ex meets someone, but that would change their setup. She went back to work full time after being a SAHM, and while that was a hard transition, she's glad. Apparently, they get along much better now that there are no expectations.

I think the biggest difference is she was miserable, not just in the intimacy dept. but overall. OP, as you know all too well, it may not turn out the way you hope and you could end up alone. Before doing anything drastic, do tell dh your concerns and you should also try to spice up your marriage. I think a lot of us would be happy to have a best friend, but I can also understand that you crave the sparks. I feel you can eventually create sparks with almost anyone you truly love and respect, but it may come more slowly at times. Maybe you could suggest some changes in your routine or get some alone time. Also, since you were inexperienced, perhaps you could read some books on the subject or learn techniques. Marriage counseling would be a good idea..

It's your life, so obviously these are only suggestions, but I would definitely try to revive the marriage before making any hasty decisions. I think the counselor was a little unprofessional.

[Raidra]

I have a lot of experience in dealing with a dysfunctional marriage. I stayed, and I'm glad I did. We came very close to divorcing, and when I honestly looked at what my life would be like, and more importantly, what my children's lives would be like, I couldn't do it. Sure, I might find someone that I felt crazy passionate about, but he might completely disagree with me on how to raise children, or on any number of things. I'd much rather have compatibility than fireworks.

I read a lot of books about romance, love, and marriage because my husband was my first and only relationship. I was surprised to learn about what being 'in love' really is - a short-term, hormonal phase that always ends. I redefined my idea of love - that it's a verb, not a feeling.. that we choose to love someone. I also learned a lot about infidelity (Niccig's suggestion of survivinginfidelity.com is a good one). A person who cheats does so because something is missing in them, not because of something missing in the marriage or their spouse. Besides the 'fireworks' - what else is missing in your life? Do you have a sense of purpose? Are there things that you're passionate about? What makes you feel incredibly, over-the-top good about yourself? I'm wondering if you're missing those things in your life, and mistakenly putting all the blame on your marriage.

It's incredibly unfair to compare an affair to a marriage. I've seen many people discover that after getting out of the 'fog' of an affair, they realize that the person they were cheating with was not right for them in any way, that they didn't have true feelings for them - what they were passionate and excited about and in love with was the *affair* and not the other person. The feelings of 'fireworks' had nothing to do with the person they were with - so when you're single and wrung out from going through a divorce, would you be able to have those same feelings? Maybe not - because you're not a married woman having an affair, you're a single parent looking for a partner. Nothing romantic, glamorous, illicit, dangerous about that.

I'd suggest you get into couples counseling with your husband, not on your own. And I'd also suggest that you spend a lot of time reflecting on who you want to be as a person. What are your values, what's important to you, and what do you want to do with your life? Put a lot of effort into that, as well as your marriage, and see if you feel happier.

I also wanted to mention - one of the books that I read, that made a lot of sense to me was Getting The Love You Want. The general premise is that we feel most attracted to the people who resemble our early care-givers - faults and all. Faults are the important part - the people we feel most strongly attracted to, most drawn to, most passionate about, are the ones who have the same faults as our parents, and who will re-injure us in the same way they did. It's our subconscious's way of trying to heal old wounds. It sounds weird, I know, but it really does make sense and is a well-respected idea. Anyway - the corollary is that the person who we just feel ho-hum about, who is more of an easy, slow-burn, best-friend type of person, may actually be a far better choice because they probably won't cause drama and hurt. I'd go for best-friend any day.

Oh, and one more thing - I didn't catch that your husband was your first or only, but if that's the case, I'll share some personal info with you regarding that, if you PM me.