Spacing of kids

[acmom]

DH and I are still considering whether or not we will try to add a third child to our family. Our first two are close in age (21 months apart) and are now almost 4 and 5.5, so if we did add a 3rd child to our family, there would be a much bigger age gap. Obviously the experience and pros/cons of a newborn when you have a toddler is much different than having a newborn when you have school age kids. We are trying to picture how this dynamic would be. Our two kids now are very close, choose to play together the majority of the time and really look out for each other in some many ways. Both DD and DS also say they really want another sibling and talk about it often unprompted. (obviously, they may feel differently if this actually happened!).

Anyone care to share their experiences with a larger gap after having kids close in age? Or having a baby with school age kids? I am trying to get a handle on what we would be getting into trying to juggle the different needs of such different ages. Thanks!

[Katigre]

I have loved having a larger age gap between my kids. It's made having a baby and toddler so much easier bc I had extra help and also the older kids were more self sufficient.

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[SnuggleBuggles]

My siblings are 11 and 7 years older than me. I was doted upon by my brother and my sister and I were very different people growing up so more fighting than bonding. Now though, we are good friends.

My boys are 5.5 years apart. Lots of pros- mainly having only one baby/ toddler at a time. I would have been exhausted doing it at the same time. I was able to do mommy and me classes with each of them and just have a more laid back lifestyle. I love that ds1 was self sufficient with grooming, personal care, buckling in the car and stuff like that when his brother came along.

Cons? It is weird having a 6th grader and kindergartner in some ways. It's hard to imagine all the things we still have to go through again (spelling tests, learning multiplication...). However, I felt like that more at the beginning of the year than now. I like going through it again with ds2 b/c I like sharing the experience with him. It was hard to have one kid who was big enough to do stuff but a little one that wasn't. Scheduling things around nap time wasn't always fun but it was nice to have one on one time with ds1 during nap time.

They bicker a lot. I wasn't prepared for that.

But, they also cuddle a lot too.

[ourbabygirl]

Sorry, no BTDT, but we're in almost the same boat with our kids' ages (3.5 and 5.5), and will probably be TTC this summer, so the kids would be at least 4.5 & 6.5 by the time a baby would be born. My parents had similar spacing between myself and my next older brother; unfortunately my brothers are much closer than I am to either one of them. I felt like I needed more spacing, though, in order to maintain my sanity and have a third. Not looking forward to starting over with getting up multiple times a night, but I feel like my kids are so much more self-sufficient now, and I feel like they'll be able to help a bit. I also feel like I'll be able to enjoy the little one's babyhood more and really soak it up more than I did with the first two.

[mommylamb]

My boys are a few months shy of 5 years apart and it has worked well for us. DS1 adores DS2 and vice versa. He totally dotes on him and loves being a big brother. It is also nice because DS1 is so self sufficient at this point. It has made it easier on me. Even though they have a big age difference, DS1 still plays with DS2 a lot, and he gets a lot out of their play.

The downside IMO is for things like vacations. DS1 is ready to do things (amusement parks for example) that DS2 just can't do. They are at a different level. Also it means that outings like going to the zoo require a stroller, which is a pain. It's so much easier to just take DS1 on his own. And nap time of course. Nap time gets in the way of our all day long family activities that we could otherwise do with DS1.

There are times when I wish they were closer in age, but it just didn't make sense for us to do that for a number of reasons, and this has worked out well so far.

[HannaAddict]

It works no matter what the spacing. Though I wouldn't give any weight at all to a child's desire for a sibling. We have three, first two are exactly 2.5 years apart and youngest is 3 years and 5.5 years younger. It is boy, girl, boy and the two boys get along great even though an age difference. I have friends who had elementary kids and then had a 3rd and it works for them. It is a ton more work than two kids though, travel is harder and more expensive exponentially. Education (we are in private( adds up. And going back to the baby stage and needing a Sherpa to bring all the gear and car seats is harder once you've escaped that stage. Good luck.

[scrooks]

We have 2 year spacing between dd and ds1 and almost 4 year spacing between ds1 and ds2. DS2 is only 8 months old so we are new to this. So far the pros are:
1) the older 2 are much more self sufficient than dd was when ds1 was born. This helps a TON. I would have gone crazy otherwise.
2) the older 2 love love love their baby brother. It's awesome to watch them together.
the cons:
1) definitely the vacation /activities thing. We offen split up for older kid activities. One of us stays home with the baby and the other takes the older 2. This summer we have 1 activity planned where we will need to find a sitter for ds2 (major league baseball game) and I anticipate more.
2) volunteering at school is challenging (but certainly not impossible). DDs k teacher welcomes the baby in the classroom but I have gotten sitters a couple of times for him.

overall the pros blow the cons out of the water and the cons are generally workable. Lately I have been frustrated with activities I want to do with the older kids and can't do with the baby and then I remember how quickly he will grow and this is just a short time for our family to have restricted activities. By the time kids are 4 (even at 3) they can do a lot more.

[hellokitty]

You'll love it. My oldest two are only 18 mo apart, and boy that was rough. DH wouldn't agree to one more unless there was a minimum 4 yr gap btwn #2 and #3. There is almost exactly a 4 yr gap and I found the transition from 2-3 to go so much more smoothly, than when I went from 1-2 (and ftr, I thought that going from 0-1 was easy, so this was a shock to me). Anyway, DS1 started K, and DS2 started preschool when DS3 was only a little bit over a month old. The dynamics have been fine. DS1 and DS2 are of course very close, but they have always been pretty inclusive of DS3 (once he got past the destructor phase). DS3 is 4.5 yrs old now and he pretty much plays right along with his older brothers (yes, he has skipped a lot of preschool toys, going straight to school aged toys, which is fine by me, as long as he doesn't put anything in his mouth). If I could do it over again, I'd do a bigger gp btwn DS1 and DS2 too, if anything, for my own sanity.

[Mommaof3]

My girls were 9 and 7 when their brother was born. We didn't plan on such a big age gap but it took longer to get pregnant with him than we would have liked. Looking back though it all worked out b/c I do not have easy pregnancies and my girls were very self sufficient when I wasn't feeling great. They were so excited for a new sibling and doted on him and were a huge help! It was nice having so much time alone with him while they were in school and it was easier than I expected overall with their schedules, etc... Fast forward to now and DD 10 is a great playmate to DS but DD 13 trys to be more of a mother to him so they butt heads a lot and she gets very irritated by him.(Part of being a teen too) She gets irritated if he goes in her room, is too loud, etc. My girls have always been very close and sometimes I am sad my son will miss out on a close in age sibling bond but he is the king and will be just fine! Good luck with your decision, I don't think there is ever "perfect spacing." I do love having 3!

[brittone2]

Mine are all roughly 3 years apart which I was happy with, but I have nothing to compare it to. I personally don't think I could have handled my kids closer in age, but again, I've never lived it. I just think it would have been very, very stressful for me. With our spacing, the older was potty trained or close to sleeping in their own bed (we coslept), could climb into a carseat, etc. and I found that helpful. On the downside, each time it was a bit like starting over (naps, back to diaper changes, etc.) As a PP mentioned, it was nice to have an older child able to get himself/herself a drink, a snack, etc. while I nursed the youngest. By 3 they could help in small ways (grab a diaper, a wipe, distract baby while I changed the diaper, etc.)

My oldest and youngest (10 and almost 4) actually play together quite a bit. Lego, playmobil, riding bikes. All three are very close, but even with the 6 yr gap between the oldest and youngest, they find things in common, giggle a ton together, play a lot, etc.