Talking to DS about death

[lcarlson90]

I posted back in January about my cousin's 12 year old son who was diagnosed with bile duct Cancer. He came home from the hospital today to spend his last few days at home. We went to visit him today as a family and it was the first time my 9 year old DS has seen him since he has been sick. I don't think he realizes how sick he really is. I feel like we need to prepare him before he passes away but I'm afraid to say the wrong thing. Any input on how to talk to him about it.

[lalasmama]

I'm so sorry your family is having to deal with this... Hugs!

I'd consider, first, what your beliefs are, and what you hope to pass to your children (ie, is death "the end" or do you believe in God/Heaven/afterlife/reincarnation, etc). Then I'd talk about how some people have bodies that aren't healthy (or are sick, but make sure to differentiate from a "cold sick" or "tummy sick" or such), and that sometimes, people who get really sick die, and that Cousin's body stopped working, and he's very sick, and usually kids don't die, but sometimes they do, and Cousin is going to be one of those kids who's bodies dies young.

DD is barely 10yo, but understands that sometimes bodies just don't work like we want them to, and that sometimes people die. She knows sometimes we expect the death, and sometimes we don't, and that kids don't usually die, but sometimes they do, and it's super sad when they do. Admittedly, we've had to deal with death a bit--DD lost 2 grandmas within 2 months when she was 3yo, and then this last year we thought we were going to lose Grandpa (he pulled through, though, and is healthier now than he had been since DH has been alive!), but then lost Grandpa's wife VERY unexpectedly this last summer.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm so sorry!

I would tell your son that his cousin has a terrible disease. The doctors have been trying to make him well, and cousin's body has been fighting very hard, and cousin has been very brave. The doctors have now tried every way possible to defeat the disease so that cousin's body can get healthy again, but nothing has worked. There isn't anything left to try. There is no way to get rid of the disease. The disease is going to cause cousin's body to stop working, and cousin is going to die. Nobody knows when that will happen, but doctors who know about the disease think it may be very soon. (I'd give some idea of how soon.)

Because I do have religious beliefs, I would tell my son that when cousin dies, his body will be buried, but his spirit, all the personality and uniqueness that make him himself, will go to be with God. We will miss him very much, but we will know he is safe and loved. God will take care of him, and through God and because our love for him is still in our hearts, we can still love him and know he loves us. I probably would wait to talk about this part until after cousin has passed away or until asked appropriate questions.

My guess is that your son's questions will focus on why or how his cousin got the disease and why or how there is no cure. It's important to reassure your son that this disease is unusual, and that he can't catch it. He should understand that cousin didn't do anything wrong or bad to get the disease, and that even doctors struggle to understand why some people get diseases and some don't, why some people can get better and some cannot. Again, though, I would let his questions guide the conversation.

[rlu]

You've gotten great advice. I would just add that the questions may keep coming up at the most unexpected time so try not to let them rattle you when it he asks about death on the way home from baseball or school. DS often throws those big deal questions at me in the car (I think this is common) or at bedtime (also common).

Prayers for your family.