How to support family member going through divorce w/o being involved

[niccig]

Family member is separating and probably getting a divorce. I want to support her, she may come visit for a few days to get a break, but I don't want to be involved in the drama. Family member has own issues, her H has his own issues, they have issues together. I'm not wanting to take sides that one person is right and the other wrong, as know both hold responsibility. They haven't been married that long for me to know her H all that well. He contacted me via email as wanted to give me his side of the story, as knew she called me. I stopped reading the email as felt uncomfortable about his sharing these details about the marriage, more than what she shared with me. I replied to both (had to add her to the email reply) that my advice is marriage counseling and I hope they can work things out. This meant she got to see what he wrote to me, but I wasn't comfortable with keeping that a secret.

But family member is MY family and I'm closest family geographically to her. I'm going to give her support, but I don't want to be part of the drama. Ugh...messy.

[123LuckyMom]

Honestly, she's going to want to talk about it. It's looming so large in her world right now! I suggest that if she starts to launch in, you suggest that she use her visit with you to try to take a vacation from her troubles. They'll be there when she gets back, but for now, maybe she can just take a break and have some fun.

It may be, though, that she really needs to talk about it. I would listen, and acknowledge her feelings but let her know that you are reluctant to take sides or give advice beyond your urging that she seek professional help.

[niccig]

Honestly, she's going to want to talk about it. It's looming so large in her world right now! I suggest that if she starts to launch in, you suggest that she use her visit with you to try to take a vacation from her troubles. They'll be there when she gets back, but for now, maybe she can just take a break and have some fun.

It may be, though, that she really needs to talk about it. I would listen, and acknowledge her feelings but let her know that you are reluctant to take sides or give advice beyond your urging that she seek professional help.

I know she's going to need to talk about it, she's very close family. I'm not OK with her H contacting me, that totally weirded me out. It's a he-said, she-said situation. I'm not the person in the middle, don't put me in the middle. I have told her to see her therapist and try to get more meetings in upcoming weeks rather than just 1/week, she's going to need it. It's a craptacular mess. I'll listen, but I don't want to take on the stress of her marital issues IYKWIM. And I am on her side, in sense of I'm supporting her to get through this mess, not "you're right and he's wrong."

[ha98ed14]

No. Just...no. I'm so sorry. That sucks. As you know, my sister is in a terrible marriage. My way of supporting her is just to listen and sympathize. I think he's a piece of &$@?!, but I don't have to say that. I just stick to repeating "Yes, I can understand why you feel that way..." and other versions of that.

One thing that may help in getting the family member through this is for you to express to them that they will always be part of your (extended) family. People want to belong. Losing your spouse immediately means a lack of belonging. By affirming for the family member that you consider them to be part of your family, you can provide them with comfort ans not feeling so alone and disconnected.

[niccig]

No. Just...no. I'm so sorry. That sucks. As you know, my sister is in a terrible marriage. My way of supporting her is just to listen and sympathize. I think he's a piece of &$@?!, but I don't have to say that. I just stick to repeating "Yes, I can understand why you feel that way..." and other versions of that.

One thing that may help in getting the family member through this is for you to express to them that they will always be part of your (extended) family. People want to belong. Losing your spouse immediately means a lack of belonging. By affirming for the family member that you consider them to be part of your family, you can provide them with comfort ans not feeling so alone and disconnected.

Thanks for the wording advice. Yes, I think he is an @$$hole for some things he's done, but I'll not say that. This has happened before in her first marriage and family members that said H1 was an @$$hole got burned later when they got back together. I don't know if she and H2 will work things out. I also know that for some things, she was an @$$hole. No fear that she won't feel part of my family, it's my sister, but yes she's feeling very alone and disconnected. I'll need to remember to contact her everyday. She won't tell other family members right now, that's a whole pile of judgment she doesn't need.

[TwinFoxes]

I think him contacting you is weird and inappropriate. I would have written to him and told him that and deleted the email. What a weirdo, it's not like you guys were close, why does he care what you think?

As for your relative, when you say you don't want to be part of the drama, do you mean you don't want to talk about it with her? I do think being family means being a sounding board. If she's rehashing things months later I get saying "enough" but such a new thing I'd plan on spending those days she visits saying "uh huh, I'm so sorry" and making sympathetic noises. I don't think you will be part of the drama that way.

I think not bashing her ex, being supportive, and ignoring any further contact from him will cut down on the drama. Good luck.

[niccig]

I think him contacting you is weird and inappropriate. I would have written to him and told him that and deleted the email. What a weirdo, it's not like you guys were close, why does he care what you think?

Isn't there a rule or something that if getting separated/divorced your spouse's sibling is their support unless the sibling says otherwise? I didn't read the email once I realized what it was, I hit reply, added my sister's email to the TO: field, and told them to go to marriage counseling.

[HannaAddict]

Sending her his email is adding to and jumping right in the drama with both feet. I wouldn't do that again and don't get it. I'd email the husband that I didn't read it and deleted it and good luck but don't contact me again, as earlier poster mentioned. No fun but she's your sister so I would try to be unconditionally loving and just be there for her in the absence of criminal acts, as in garden variety "wrongs" in a marriage are not yours to judge. You really can't be neutral, but by listening you can be supportive without adding fuel to the fire so to speak.

[niccig]

Sending her his email is adding to and jumping right in the drama with both feet. I wouldn't do that again and don't get it. I'd email the husband that I didn't read it and deleted it and good luck but don't contact me again, as earlier poster mentioned.

I can see this. It was my gut reaction that she should know what he was saying to me. She's my sister. I felt wrong keeping the email a secret. She did tell me some things last night about the marriage, but I didn't feel like she was dragging me into the middle of it, there wasn't a tonne of detail, more a "my marriage is exploding and I need comfort as I feel so alone." His email of "wanting to tell his side as he needs to feel he has been heard", and giving great detail of conversations going back months, felt like he was dragging me into the middle of it. And that's wrong.

But I hear what you're saying. It's why I posted asking for advice. I doubt they'll be any more messages coming my way, if there is, I won't reply and I'll delete. I don't want to add fuel to the fire, I don't want any fuel being sent to me!

[HannaAddict]

I am really sorry, it is hard and no win for you! Like you said, if you are too supportive or agree and say what a jerk and they stay together, you are the bad guy. Hang in there and good luck to your sister.