Children with Dif. Interests from Peers . . . and Strain on Parents!

[sste]

Wondering if those of you with kids who are quirky, special needs, on spectrum, gifted, whatever deal with your kids' having different interests from their peers.

Basically our son is exhausting us! He will and does play with kids in his kindy -- esp a group of girls who engage in more complex, imaginative play. But *many* of his interests and preferred types of play are not satisfied by peers. DS is quirky and a pint sized culture vulture, cannot get enough of museums, documentaries, travel, and great food. He is actually awesome to travel with including internationally, will enjoy a leisurely hour plus lunch talking about the museum, etc. But he is very hard to keep entertained at home!! In the past week, my husband has been roped into a number of DS conceived projects including, making a coal mining documentary by filming the two of them excavating under our porch, building a replica spider web out of rope in our tree with realistic web design, creating a hatchery using my $$ omega enriched eggs, ikea desk lights, and my organic almonds. And it is never enough--DS was in tears that my husband wouldn't somehow make a lantern for the coal mining documentary and that neither of us knew how to edit the iphone footage and where to send it to be produced?!

We do a fair amount of play dates and DS enjoys them but I don't think many other kids his age have his interests, at least not to the same degree, level of detail, intensity. We are hopefully starting therapy soon. We tried hiring an older boy to play with him -- a mother's helper -- but that kid was entirely typical and wanted to spray a hose and run around, DS likes those things but then he wants to move on to experiments, reinactments, extensive imaginative play etc.

Any ideas?

[JCat]

Someone in my county started a facebook page for parents of kids with mild autism (don't know if your child has a dx) and everyone listed their kid's ages and interests so we can plan get togethers around those and see how it works. I hope you can find some kids with his interests for him to play with! I feel youir pain.

[hillview]

Ok not btdt but your DS sound awesome (and exhausting).

DS1 is a little like that but DH shares his interests (World Wars, history etc) so together they read books and watch videos. He's never asked to film a documentary ... can you give him a video camera and let him do it on his own?

[egoldber]

Honestly, I wouldn't have done any of that LOL! Except take him to museums. And even then, only when it was convenient. I would encourage him to do things on his own, read books, watch videos, and provide materials. But I am so not the parent who sits and plays for hours with their kids. I just can't do it. I'll do some activities with them, but I don't have the mental energy for hours on end.

And I have to ask, when does he have the time for all of this???? LOL!!! If it's after school, frankly I would put him in after school activities. He seems to have boundless energy and enthusiasm and that will help him channel this. I would find things he enjoys of course, but physical stuff that wears him out is a good choice. There are also chess clubs, Lego leagues, Odyssey of the Mind, music lessons, etc. Some of these things are harder to find for K kids, but I have to believe that where you are, there are choices. If he wants to do videos and editing, there are definitely classes and camps for that, although again maybe harder to find at his age.

I would also think about how you will maintain this level when the other kids are older. Are they going to want their turn?

And personally, I wouldn't let him use my $$ food as play items. I would think about a supplies allowance and holding him to that.

ETA: I hope this doesn't come across as critical! But I think it's easy with the first kid to slip into habits/dynamics that are not sustainable with more kids or long term. I know we did.

[123LuckyMom]

Do you have a local college or university? Your son has a great interest in film. I would see if you can hire a college student filmmaker to meet with him once a week or something to teach him how to do all the film stuff himself. He needs to learn that all filmmakers, but especially documentary filmmakers, are on tight budgets. If you don't have a realistic lantern, part of the creative process is figuring out how to do without!

I would try to find channels for his imagination and interests. Seek out local talent. There may already be established classes or groups for high school aged kids. See if the teacher is willing to work with your son. Find others to fill in where you cannot.

[sste]

Thank you everyone! He does have boundless energy, he is in full day kindy with gym and two recesses and a special every day not to mention 20 minutes of playground play after school each day. And he still gets up at 530-6am (often DH is good for an early am activity) and we are begging him to go to bed at 9pm. There are good after school activities I just have mixed feelings b/c we moved two blocks from the elementary school so I could pick him up after school and spend time with him and his siblings! He also does weekly swimming, piano, a sports "medley" program and weekly trips to a museum/theater/event (which half the time he finds out about and plans). Unfortunately, he is terrible at entertaining himself - - it was one of the top things we mentioned to the therapist we met with, it is a real problem and we have tried to work on it for years with limited success. He can't read anywhere near his level of interest. He will watch science documentaries but it is has gotten out of hand. At the initial therapy meeting, therapist drew a food she liked (ice cream cone). She asked him to draw a place he liked. He drew the five? six? levels of the carib. ocean complete with varying levels of darkness and different level-appropriate sea life. He is spending ALOT of time watching science shows on the weekends esp.

As for the activities, frankly I can't manage it either and I am starting to hide from him! My DH however has incredible patience with this sort of thing and I believe also a great deal of guilt about his work and certain other issues of DH's that have impacted the family. That is how my dha-enriched eggs and pricey almonds keep on going to play activities and I think is the basis of dh's and to lesser extent my difficulty saying no. I am also concerned that there needs to be more give and take in terms of choosing the play, etc -- ds's peers are not going to tolerate this!

Luckymom, we are in a college town so there is endless local talent. Actually our babysitters are very smart here -- one is a MBA, one is a computer programmer, etc. I think I am going to call them at least as an interim measure.

As for my other kids, my three year old daughter is so much more socially and emotionally adept -- and she is very bright too just not so intense and inflexible. She enjoys playing alone and will tell us quite frequently when we try to join in, "not now, too busy." It is an odd dynamic but she has always been her brother's protector. I have seen her as a toddler jumping up so as to reach a peer of DS's to punch him for teasing DS, she is constantly smoothing things over and pointing out the positive side to DS. When I told her the new baby was a girl over the phone I heard a shriek of pure joy, a pause and then, "Don't worry DS we will get a boy dog." Sigh, sigh.

[StantonHyde]

I do let my kids watch science videos and TV shows like Myth Busters or The Tank. You still have to have energy for yourself. If he is getting plenty of play time with you, and it sounds like he is, then it is ok to watch some more TV. I realize you set yourself up to spend time with the kiddos--but every kid is different and maybe it is better for him, you, and the family if he does more aftercare type activities. A friend of mine has a DD with an anxiety disorder and she ended up totally overscheduling the child. If the kid is involved in activities, she is not engaging in OCD behavior. My friend did not want to be one of "those families" but it works for her DD. Her DS, on the other hand, is an introvert with an auditory processing disorder and he needs LOTS of downtime and playing by himself. So she really has kids on either end of the "entertain yourself" spectrum.

[Sweetum]

DS is currently engaging DH in one such activity. He perseverates on little things like lamps, lights, etc and it's not only exhausting, but his interest is alarming and comes in the way of his learning and socialization. It's very depressing to me. I feel like he is a very high functioning but severly autistic kid. I know that is an oxymoron but that;s what he is, and it's exhausting, it's infuriating, it's distressing and always ON. there is no escape from it. I wouldn't be nearly as depressed about it if it were soemthing more functional like what your kids and other kids I have seen have. His perseverations lead to nothing and to nowhere. They occupy his thoughts and he is closed to the world when he is thinking about them, pretty much all the time. When he engages with people based on his interests, he will suck them into that world but refuses to make connections with the outside world from it....sorry to hijack, but this is the most challenging part of his autism...and no one really knows how to handle it other than entertain and take him further in...

[egoldber]

bullkin, I'm sorry, that must be so hard.

sste, I would continue to strategize with the therapist on this. As a parent, you want to encourage your child's interests, but at the same time, you also want them to learn how to develop common interests with others. When my older DD did her social skills class, one of the things they explicitly taught was that if you want someone to be interested in you, you also had to be interested in them. Sometimes that meant doing things that were less intrinsically interesting to you. But you also may find that you are interested in those things as well or you develop a common interest. So I would start by setting some limits with him. Things like, "We'll play your game for 30 minutes, then mom/dad/all of us will do something mom/dad/younger sister wants to do". Or "today you get to pick an outing and tomorrow/next weekend younger sister gets to pick".

And even if your younger DD is supportive now, as she gets older she may resent the perception of extra parental time spent on one child vs. another. We've had to be careful of this even when the time spent with the older child was for therapy and doctor's appointments! To younger DD, time is time. I well remember her throwing a tantrum in the therapy waiting room, screaming "When will it be MY turn to talk to Ms D!!!!!". Or saying, "Why does S always get to go to the doctor and I don't!!!" Sad, but also funny in a way.

I can also tell you that things do get better as they get older and are able to find other peers to connect with. My older DD is really into a lot of fantasy books and shows and her middle school has TWO after school clubs geared at kids with these interests. She's very happy to find other kids who share her (more common than she realized at first!) interests.

[sste]

[QUOTE=egoldber;3983800. Things like, "We'll play your game for 30 minutes, then mom/dad/all of us will do something mom/dad/younger sister wants to do". Or "today you get to pick an outing and tomorrow/next weekend younger sister gets to pick".[/QUOTE]

This is such a good idea, we need to do this more -- and I esp. need to have DH commit to this because he has often promised away the farm before I get out of bed on the weekends! That is also a good point about siblings. Part of the reason I am so gung ho on this early therapy for DS is that I do worry that three year old DD is getting the short end of the stick between the time we spend (and she spends) managing DS's emotions and the amount of time devoted to his interests.

Bulkin, my heart is breaking just reading that at a distance . . . I can't imagine how poignant it must be for you. I would struggle with what to do -- if a child is happy in a world of lanterns/lights etc do you let him enjoy it? Or try to pull him out of it? I know you and his teachers must have a better sense of this, I just wouldn't know what to do. I don't know if this has been tried with autism obsessions but I was stunned recently when my cousin's boyfriend, an adult with tourette's syndrome manifesting in neck jerking type tics, managed to reduce the physical tics by a good 80% or so using a specialized form of cognitive behavioral therapy used to treat obsessions, compulsions, and tourette's tics. Not sure if anything similar exists in the autism world or if so at what age? FWIW, my son would be happy to have your son, a lighting/lantern specialist, on set for the documentary.