How would you have handled this situation?

[SASM]

Hi y'all and thank you for reading.

Background: After years of questioning, DS was JUST RECENTLY diagnosed with ADHD and Adjustment Disorder. I still question whether something was missed but at least this is a start. We are in the early stages of trying to find the right med and we have 1.5 weeks until his first therapy session. I am on page 3 of Taking Charge of ADHD...

Yesterday was our last day of soccer. Not unexpected, DD1's team won, while DS and DD 2's teams lost. Lots of activity, a long day in the sun, and losses. Bad combination. A day that I would normally look forward to downtime and just decompressing. It was also the first of three team end-of-season celebrations. DD1s team had a gathering at Coach's house in mid-afternoon. Normally, I would just try to take DD and let DH do something with the other two, or vice versa. I really wanted to do this as a family, though. DH missed a lot of DD1s games due either to work or going to DS's games to support him (bigger field, bigger knowledgeable voice to support DS). I wanted DH at the gathering to meet the parents. In hindsight, we should have just taken two cars...didn't. Anyway, we went home after games to unwind and eat a something healthy before the picnic. DS was doing great. He was getting along fine with the other kids. We allowed them to eat some of the food (chips, dips, etc) in moderation, 1 juice, 1 slice pizza, and then just water after that...let them experience the non-paleo "normal kid" foods but not overload. Anyway...he started to have issues. We pulled him aside, gave him some separate "chill out" time, and warned him. Second issue inevitably came, we needed to leave - it was a long hot day, lots of activity, food we do not normally eat, and bad behavior...done. We had grumpy kids from all angles. I felt horrible for DD1, who was enjoying rare time off the field with her teammates but the kicker was that she was going to miss "the Treat". Her coach was promising the team a treat all season if a defender scored a goal. That happened last week. The treat was walking to a FroYo shop at some point during the gathering yesterday..and she was going to miss it. I felt HORRIBLE!!! I can easily take her to get her treat but it just isn't the same as experiencing it with her friends. We went out to eat afterwards (DS was fine) and DD1 had a little dessert...not the same.

Sooo...hindsight is a b*tch. Lots of "I should have's" but all of those mainly rotate around DH being there and the convenience of having two parents available. Quite often, though, DH is not there, and I am in these situations with the three kids. Yes...I should have gone with just DD1...I shouldn't have let them eat the unhealthy processed foods...we should have taken two cars...I should have brought an extra outlet for DS such as his Nexus. Didn't happen. Any other suggestions? I really need to figure out how to handle these situations, especially solo, because I do not want DDs to miss out on opportunities bc we have to deal with DS's poor behavior...and neither do I, as I rarely have social opportunities. And, more importantly, I do not want DDs to harbor ill feelings for DS either. I have personally BTDT with my brother...I pray for "normal" sibling relationships between mine.

Sorry for the novel. I soooo wish that this parenting thing was easy. It just gets harder...and harder. Factor in sleepless nights thinking of DS and UGH!!!!!!!

[hillview]

ok you are beating your self up WAYY too much. Cut yourself some slack! Ideas I have
- have an iphone or something that DS can use if you don't want to lug a nexus with you
- leave a kit in the car of stuff for DS (headphones, book, healthy snacks or whatever works)
- leave DD there under watch of another parent -- both parents go home, drop off a parent and DS and return to DD
- ask another parent if they can continue on with your DD and drop her home so she doesn't miss the treat
- go later to minimize time spent in that environment
- feed kids a full meal before going and let them eat what they want after (self regulation once full usually works for us)

for you I'd say (like I have to tell myself) don't worry about what they eat on one day in a social situation, just ignore it and don't stress.

HUGS mama sounds like you did a good job!

[TwinFoxes]

I would have talked to the coach, said "I have to take the others home, I'll be back in 15, can I leave DD here?" She's the 9 year old, right? It'd be different if she were a toddler.

[Clarity]

Some variation of this. I would have sat with D's in the car, maybe driven to fro-yo to wait for dd. if possible, I would leave and come back or have someone bring her home. And, in the future, I would not bring ds when something special is happening for your dd. I'm all for family support and fairness but these moments are few and she deserves to be able experience them without disruption.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Since you weren't solo, could you and DS have gone for a drive and let the others stay at the event?

[hellokitty]

I'm sorry that it didn't turn out the way you had envisioned. Hopefully from this exp, next time, things will work out better for you. I'm glad that your Ds has a diagnosis. I've never heard of adjustment disorder before, is it issues with transitioning activities?

Sent from my SPH-L720 using Tapatalk

[BunnyBee]

Another vote for leaving DD1 with one parent while one takes a drive around the block with DS. Or asking another team parent to keep an eye out while both parents run home and send one back to the party. Or alone, ask a parent to watch out for DD1 because DS needs some time out of the sun and excitement in the car for a bit. It's happened to every parent, even without the ADHD complications!

[egoldber]

"I have to take the others home, I'll be back in 15, can I leave DD here?"

In hindsight, this seems to obvious, but this is what I would have done. Dropped the others at home and then come back. Or maybe even asked a friend to drive DD home. But don't beat yourself up for not thinking of it in the moment. You were angry, tired, embarrassed and frustrated. BTDT.

I get wanting to do things as a family and not being able to. This is actually one of the primary reasons we decided to medicate younger DD as soon as her ADHD was diagnosed. It was impacting our ability to do things as a family and older DD was starting to be very angry and resentful at not being able to do things because of younger DD's behavior. It is often not recognized that ADHD affects the whole family.

[SASM]

I really cannot thank you enough for the responses. I was actually contemplating leaving DD1 there, with supervision, but several factors played into bringing her with us, the main one being that she just looked tired as well (she was sick during dinner). Bad idea to go to a picnic after 3 games and 6 hours in the sun. Anyway, thank you for reinforcing the need for individual kid time. Even though it was a family event, I should have just left it as a DD1/parent function. Although we have been living with these behavioral issues for YEARS, we are still wading our way through as his symptoms are constantly evolving. I am relieved that we finally have a diagnosis, hopefully an accurate one. Now to research and adapt... My heart just hurts for my entire family. I just want to hold them close and not let them go.