How Do You Keep from Blowing your Top with Therapists, Schools??

[sste]

Are there any strategies you employ not to get angry in the moment? I have a bit of temper, things with one's child are always emotional, and I have a lot going on work and homewise right now.

Overall, school services for DS have been stellar except he got a new OT a few months ago. I set up appointment with that OT to meet her, review progress, get ideas for summer. Took the day off of work during a major deadline time and ran like a madwoman to get to the appointment which was going to be me sitting on his last OT session of the year and then talking with her. She no showed. Very unhappy but I do realize mistakes happen. She then phoned me and proceeded to blame me and say I got the date wrong--in a way that was clear to me she wasn't entirely sure and thought it could have been her error but was trying to put one over on me! Hey lady, this is the age of email and you clearly wrote this date, this time on your email to me. At that point I was furious. I asked even if it wasn't the correct meeting date for her and me why wasn't DS receiving his IEP services to the end of school. She said she was taking the last few days of school to gather up her belongings and clean up at her different school sites. I suggested this was not appropriate and she kept on saying it is not the last week of school it is the last few days of school -- OK the last week of school does not run a full week but it does run on his normal meeting time with you! Finally I asked if she could send a video or email with some things I could practice with DS over the summer. She said it was her belief children should do "nothing" over the summer -- I asked twice actually as this seemed so bizarre.

Needless to say, I told OT I was extremely angry, I expected her to keep her appointments, and to give DS all the therapy time called for on his IEP including the last week of school and to clean up her stuff after school like the other teachers. THEN I called the director of special education services, who was very nice and told me this OT had certainly not acquitted herself well but she had personally worked with her as a SLP and thought she was good. She did also send the OT back to DS's classroom that day and said that otherwise there would need to be compensatory minutes in the fall.

Anyway, DH made the good point that we don't want awkwardness with people we are working with long-term. How do you keep your temper? How do you handle these things?

[egoldber]

It can be really, really hard. I have a very low bar for dealing with incompetence.

But mostly, I think that schools are trying their best with limited resources. I think schools/therapies do tend to basically shut down the last week or two of the school year. They have mountains of paper work they need to finish before the year end, close out meetings, etc. This is one reason so many people do private therapies and just don't rely on the schools to provide it because the school year model means services are simply not provided consistently enough for many kids.

My mantra for dealing with school is "it's a marathon, not a sprint". I have to work with these people for a long time. Being nice to them and tolerant of disruptions ultimately means better service than if I am demanding. Not to say that you let them walk all over you, but is one OT session here or there going to make a difference? Probably not, but getting angry with an OT you may have to work with for years could means years of them not wanting to work with you or your son.

And I vent a LOT to DH and to friends.

[mikeys_mom]

And I vent a LOT to DH and to friends.

That is probably the single biggest thing that helps me keep my cool.

I often have to take a deep breath and close my eyes in the middle of a frustrating conversation to keep me from getting overly upset on the phone. I really try to refocus myself and remember that the end goal is what's important.
Although I do admit that I *may* have lost my cool and just *possibly* yelled at the school social worker last week...

[JCat]

I don't know. She sounds disorganized and the comment about kids not doing work over the summer is insane. If my kid misses a couple weeks of therapy he can backslide. I wouldn't want him missing a whole summer. I try to be nice because sometimes you do have to deal with the therapists long term. Sometimes though, you just have to ask if another therapist is available.

[hillview]

I try to end calls quickly when I am feeling like I am not dealing well with a situation. I calm down and then write up an email (sometimes pass it by DH) and then send it.

[sste]

Thanks everyone. I am going to try to visualize end goal! And vent away here and with DH, that is a good point.

To be honest, I think missing work which was a huge deal with this deadline only to have her miss the appointment was more irritating to me than DS missing the OT appointment (though he only gets 20 mins per week, it is hard when they take off for standardized testing, field trips, snow days, AND end of school). Then when she tried to turn it around on me it was just more than I could take! And the doing nothing over the summer comment alarmed me -- I have never met her before because of the switch and was wondering if she was competent. I still am -- mercifully she was pulled in to deal with a staffing shortage and she may not be at our school next year.

Unfortunately we have zero insurance coverage for OT so we are stuck with the inconsistent services. On the positive side, DS made amazing progress this year (loved his prior therapist) and I think will age out of OT at the end of first grade so I think what we are doing is enough. I hope so because frankly I cannot manage one more out of school service/activity for one of my kids right now!

[Gena]

Advocacy training and a lot of practice are what keep me from losing it when talking to therapists, the school nurse, and other personnel who just don't get it.

A couple of years ago I attended the Wrightslaw one-day (6 hours) conference on advocacy and it was one of the best things I have done to help my son at school. If you can't attend in person, they have a DVD with the same presentation for home study.

A couple specific things that help me:
Taking notes (the physical act of writing helps me stay calm), even if it's just a casual conversation and not a meeting. (Plus I can write snarky comments in the margin instead of being tempted to say them out loud). Plus, therapists and other personnel seem to be more careful about how they word things when they see I'm writing it down.

Being familiar with the law (including my rights & DS's rights), state dept of ed policies, district policies, and best practices. And more importantly, knowing where/how to look up the things I don't know or can't remember. You don't have to know everything, you just have to know where to find it. This gives me the confidence to have calm discussions, because when there is a dispute I can always suggest (in a friendly tone), "let's look that up together" or "can you show me that law/policy?".

[JustMe]

I have not mastered this, so I did not comment at first. In my defense, I will say that the kind of things that have gone on (not to mention the things that have not gone on that should have) in my dd's case are really bad. I am a very even-tempered person, and previous to dealing with the school system about my daughter rarely showed anger.

That said, one way I think that would be great for me to do is reflect back some of the things they say that are so absurd. Can't think of a good example here, but many times I find myself thinking "I can't believe she just said that--its ridiculous", but its said with an air of authority that no one would question. By just repeating some of the things they say back with a question mark at the end, others would realize how it was ridiculous too.

I guess I to do want to say that showing anger has not hurt me, has actually helped get things done. I don't do it for that reason of course, and really I would like not to be doing it, but its almost like they take me more seriously when I show anger. Of course, we want to have good relationships with the teams that work with our children, so this isn't really recommended--I think it my case its b/c the administrator's who attend the meetings know the spec ed teacher has not done her part and it helps give them ammunition to have an angry parent.

Sorry for the babbling.