Conditioning vs. Resigning self?

[DualvansMommy]

Another "argument" with hubby earlier over his medical/appointment issues. I apparently don't listen carefully enough for him, when it was him who was confusing and muddling the issue. Ensuned the name calling, telling me that he had much more experience of listening, and that i don't listen well because i grew up with a dysfunctional mother, and why don't I just defer to him on how best to ask for better listening skills, etcera...when I tell him that you don't motivate me to self improve myself, after being put down, being told your way is the better method, and such. then during dinner, he was calm, pleasant, and chatting away...while I was fuming inside over earlier argument. It gotten me thinking...am i conditioning myself to just accept it as a normal run of the mil argument? like he is saying, when in reality I'm just slowly conditioning myself to get used with his crazy methods. I honestly don't know....as i grew up with a single mother who was very bitter towards my father, so i never been modeled a healthy relationship/marriage. Also, i'm seeing tones of my FIL in my husband....FIL is very abrasive, arrogant and basically a bully to my MIL who worked her ass off working outside of house and running the household. MIL was being told even how/when to clean the house, and when to put the food on the table even though she was the one busting her ass in the kitchen, and i could go on with many more examples...but because hubby grew up in that household, apparently thinks it is the norm when I told him that your mother is a classic case of emotionally abused AND an enabler. She never called her husband on the carpet, but taught her boys how to behave/be quiet around my FIL growing up. Basically, how to live with a jerk letting his moods dicating the household. I'm seeing clear patterns of it in my husband now, especially more so since we had our 2 boys. am i fooling myself it'll ever get better??? and on a side note, hubby IS very helpful around the house, we have a housekeeper, even watch the baby to let me run errands alone cuz it is quicker this way, urges me to go and keep up on my hair/nails/personal appts and will watch the baby on his 2 days a week working from the house. It's just that nasty side of him that i wish he gets better???

[StantonHyde]

Couples counseling. It is the answer. If he won't go--you go. Period. end.of.story.

[mnj77]

Ensuned the name calling, telling me that he had much more experience of listening, and that i don't listen well because i grew up with a dysfunctional mother, and why don't I just defer to him on how best to ask for better listening skills, etcera...when I tell him that you don't motivate me to self improve myself, after being put down, being told your way is the better method, and such. then during dinner, he was calm, pleasant, and chatting away...while I was fuming inside over earlier argument. It gotten me thinking...am i conditioning myself to just accept it as a normal run of the mil argument? like he is saying, when in reality I'm just slowly conditioning myself to get used with his crazy methods. I honestly don't know....

None of this seems normal to me. At least, my husband doesn't speak to me this way ever ever. Normal or not, it's not making you feel safe and respected, which is how you should feel in your interactions with your partner.

[Blue Hydrangea]

Ugh, I'm sorry. There are healthy ways to argue, but belittling and name calling are not a part of a healthy relationship. Marriage counseling is the way to go for both of you to learn better communication skills and new ways of handling frustration.

[BunnyBee]

It's not okay. I hope you are able to find a counselor who signs (if I'm remembering correctly from other posts?) and is a good fit for you. I would see someone for yourself, as you are realizing that you're starting to normalize his emotional abuse, and a couples therapist.

[HannaAddict]

This is not normal and I don't think you want another generation (now your children) seeing a man treat his wife this way. Counseling. Did the FIL treat MIL like this when you first met them or did they do a good job of acting? It sounds awful and I wouldn't put up with it. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

[Myira]

I'm so sorry, definitely look at the book by John Gottman, recommended here on BBB many times http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principl.../dp/0609805797
Agree with PP's advice, and hope that you find a good counselor who can help you work through this. Something needs to change, you cannot continue to bear all this in the long term.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm so sorry, definitely look at the book by John Gottman, recommended here on BBB many times http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principl.../dp/0609805797
Agree with PP's advice, and hope that you find a good counselor who can help you work through this. Something needs to change, you cannot continue to bear all this in the long term.

Gottman also has a home video series of their workshop. It's about $150 I think. I would definitely seek out a couples therapist, preferably one trained in the Gottman method, and if your husband won't go, go by yourself. The behavior you're describing is not okay.