Help me think through this (IL issues)

[StantonHyde]

1. Go to the party. Make nice, smile, and go forward. Deflect all talk of future get togethers or of past time bombs. If you want some good lines--just start another thread with "What are your favorite "pass the bean dip" lines?". You will be amazed at the answers!!

2. Do not talk to SIL. No point to it. None.

3. Go to couples counseling. You and your DH need to work this out with a neutral third party.

[California]

In the big picture it sounds like they are a tiny part of your lives. But, due to past hurts this is taking up a big emotional space in your thoughts. Seeing your MIL once or twice year is a pretty small time commitment. Keep reminding yourself of that. It could be so much worse. When you go to this one party, it may help to think of it almost like as a work party in support of DH. These are not people you are close to- be polite, civil, distant. Just like you would with anyone you don't know well. Make small talk about the weather. No big talk with SIL beforehand, just the bare minimum. Keep her at arms length emotionally. And you will have done the nice thing and celebrated your MIL's 80th.

Also, it almost sounds like from your DH's point of view he thinks that he's helping you by encouraging you to clear the air. To me the question is- what is his goal? Does he want you to attend the event? Or does he want to spend more time with SIL in general? If it's just this event, than hopefully he'll stop pushing once you let him know you don't need to patch things up with your SIL to be attend. If it's more time in general with SIL than I would definitely seek out a counselor. Better to work on this issue now than to let it fester between you two.

[janine]

In the big picture it sounds like they are a tiny part of your lives. But, due to past hurts this is taking up a big emotional space in your thoughts. Seeing your MIL once or twice year is a pretty small time commitment. Keep reminding yourself of that. It could be so much worse. When you go to this one party, it may help to think of it almost like as a work party in support of DH. These are not people you are close to- be polite, civil, distant. Just like you would with anyone you don't know well. Make small talk about the weather. No big talk with SIL beforehand, just the bare minimum. Keep her at arms length emotionally. And you will have done the nice thing and celebrated your MIL's 80th.

Also, it almost sounds like from your DH's point of view he thinks that he's helping you by encouraging you to clear the air. To me the question is- what is his goal? Does he want you to attend the event? Or does he want to spend more time with SIL in general? If it's just this event, than hopefully he'll stop pushing once you let him know you don't need to patch things up with your SIL to be attend. If it's more time in general with SIL than I would definitely seek out a counselor. Better to work on this issue now than to let it fester between you two.

So true..great advice. The 2x a year is nothing really, it's that the party would be face to face with the other members who never apologized or acknowledged bad behavior directly towards me. In fact they chose estrangement from DH than say anything. So going to a party would the gateway to me seemingly accepting it all, saying I'm ok with just letting it all go and then many more visits without resolution and then the same eventual cycle. That's my fear.
If it is one party, ok guess I deal. After reading all the responses I am thinking this is my best route, say ok to the party seeming like the bigger person and avoid the toxic one-one with SIL. Not sure what DH's goals are, I ask him and don't always get clear responses. On top of it all, he is not a great communicator.

[janine]

1. Go to the party. Make nice, smile, and go forward. Deflect all talk of future get togethers or of past time bombs. If you want some good lines--just start another thread with "What are your favorite "pass the bean dip" lines?". You will be amazed at the answers!!

2. Do not talk to SIL. No point to it. None.

3. Go to couples counseling. You and your DH need to work this out with a neutral third party.

I think you are right. Tough to read but true. I hope we can survive another round of all the family drama and end up ok.

[daisysmom]

I have a pretty crazy in law family. They have their share of drama with mil passing away from Alzheimer's and fil going crazy, us getting guardianship,things are now actually at a peaceful and controlled point. My dh's siblings are all extremely competitive and judgmental - it is amazing to me since I came from a family of extroverts and am very extroverted myself, that I usually don't find people to be too extroverted and opinionated for me. But they are. We have been married 10 years, and dated for 7 years prior to that. I remember three weeks before we got married when I cane to the conclusion that I really didn't like my new in law family, and honestly if I had an inkling then what a stressor they would be in my marriage, I would have run for the hills. I was naive though.

Anyway, my point is,min the last year or so, I have really learned a better way of "letting it go" without any therapy or confrontational discussions with any if them. I wish I could tell you what happened to make me just nit care anymore and go along with the flow. I dint frankly like them any more than I did. But for some reason, I just don't need to resolve things or make bug deals about this anymore. Beforenthis, i lamented about it for 3 years and said to a few close friends if mine that if I ever asked my dh to choose either me or his family, i thought the reality was he would choose me but he would hate me always for making him choose. It was a very tough phase in our marriage.

But... I dont know what happened to make me just let it go. A few things may have been: first, I really do think that the vast majority of us have crazy family issues. My own family (who I thought was so great in comparison to dh's) also has issues. I realized my brothers wife probably felt like I did to my dh's sister. So once I realized that so many of us have less than perfect extended family drama, I stopped needing to justify why I felt that way. Second, I wanted our dd to have close relationships with cousins (and aunts and uncles too). Once I saw how fun she was having as a 7 year old hanging out with her teenage snd tween cousins, I thought that was worth me sucking it up. Third, I could see that I really was putting my dh in a no win situation. My mil had passed... So she could do no wrong. Similarly my dh's childhood had passed too. That era was being viewed through rose colored glasses by him. His memories were great ones. And the more I complained about his family, the more he felt like he was defending the era that was so formative to him. Honestly I couldn't compete. Fourth, maybe, I realized that in life I deal with people I don't like all the time - pita coworkers, pita beurocracy in this,they or the other thing. I don't let those people take over my mental well being or my marriage.... Why should I let dh's family?

Anyway, I share this to to just tell yiunghst sometimes you really can reach a ceasefire without actually warm hugs and all forgiven language. I probably wouldn't book a week vacation with my family in law but I look forward to seeing them, always with wine in hand, and I figure out a way pretty quick to shut down any judgmental conversation. You can do this.

[dogmom]

In addition to the PP comments I would add that you have concrete plans for the party, if you go. Make a list of the things you are most worried are going to happen. Sit down with you DH and say, "I'm not blaming you, I'm not trying to have a fight about your family, but these are the things I'm worrying about, help me think through my responses." Emphasize he is not to say, "My family wouldn't do that," but that these are your worries and you need to know how to respond in a way that works for you and doesn't make things worse. Disengage, ask if someone needs help in the kitchen, pull out pictures of the kids, IDK, something concrete so you feel like you have a plan for this party.

[SnuggleBuggles]

So true..great advice. The 2x a year is nothing really, it's that the party would be face to face with the other members who never apologized or acknowledged bad behavior directly towards me. In fact they chose estrangement from DH than say anything. So going to a party would the gateway to me seemingly accepting it all, saying I'm ok with just letting it all go and then many more visits without resolution and then the same eventual cycle. That's my fear.
If it is one party, ok guess I deal. After reading all the responses I am thinking this is my best route, say ok to the party seeming like the bigger person and avoid the toxic one-one with SIL. Not sure what DH's goals are, I ask him and don't always get clear responses. On top of it all, he is not a great communicator.

Ok, I don't know what transpired to cause the estrangement. I know saying this is likely way off base, but is there a chance that both of you were out of line? Was it 100% them? I am saying that with a lot of gentleness. Have they been equally upset by how you handled it? It sounds all kinds of bad but if there is even a glimmer that you were in the wrong, it might be worth sucking it up and being the bigger person would be best in the long run. At some point, someone needs to cave.

I am not a big fan of caving. BIL and I had a disagreement and I can't even remember what he said. Something negative about my kids. I went mama bear and vowed that he would not be included in family functions. I didn't invite him to 2 of the kid's birthday parties over the years. I eventually realized that my actions and stubbornness though didn't affect just the dynamic of me and BIL. It made it unbearably hard for everyone else involved and I decided that just wasn't fair. I let BIL off the hook for something I didnt want to. Honestly, it wasn't really that bad what he had said and I took some credit for causing unnecessary drama. My mom and her brother were estranged 30 years. I never met him. They finally worked it out in his last remaining years and I see how it affected her. Barring something truly awful, I think it is worth it in the long run to strive for peace vs strife.

Going doesn't make them think you are accepting the bad behavior though, imo. I think going to celebrate MIL's 80th b-day can be 100% removed from your conflict and dynamic. If you look at it that way, instead of in a way that makes it about your situation, you might be able to have an easier go of things. If you accept that that incident(s) was in the past and this is something enturely different, you aren't condoning what happened. You are just handling it in a mature way that they should acknowledge.