Help me think through this (IL issues)

[janine]

I feel bad going on about my IL's again, but no where else to turn.

There's a lot of backstory but I'll spare everyone , basically there is no relationship and contact is minimal with just the MIL (2x a year, they are 1 hr away) in past 2.5 yrs. My kids are almost 3 and 6, so 2.5 years is a big chunk for them and they don't really know who IL's are (don't know they have aunts/uncles on that side). The biggest offender in the backstory is BIL and he has not made any amends or attempts. BIL had said some pretty offensive things towards me (among other things), the family stayed silent on that ("don't want to step on toes") and that's where we've stood for years.

DH has been ok with the "break" as he always told me he didn't feel he was missing anything and the calm actually was helpful as we had v. young kids and didn't need the stress.

So now MIL is having an 80th in 2 weeks and as I kind of expected, SIL is putting pressure on DH to just play along as if everything is cool and participate in a big party. She started the guilt games about 3 months ago (before that no contact). My SIL as an aside is truly passive aggressive - she has thrown us under the bus many times and acted irrational. Having in our lives is a stress to our marriage and to peace of mind. I am a stressed out WOH mom as it is!

Anyway, DH wants to make amends of sorts, the guilt trips are working. He wants me to play along. He feels his mom is old, whatever people won't change (ie apologize), and he now wants some family. He wants me to talk to SIL on whatever it is I need to talk about. BIL is being left out off the table as again, he has not come to any such realization.

SO thing is I am not feeling it. I get that DH needs his family and wants this, I just feel we are not on same page right now and maybe he should do it on his own first. I have alot of resentment and anger towards these people and have been coming to the opposite conclusion as DH. I have been feeling like I don't want to willingly allow drama into my life and give power to the events (backstory) and people who have repeatedly brought just that, drama and anger and imbalance to our family. DH has insinuated this would cause a wedge between us though (if I don't make another attempt - I had done so on the past) and ok I get that I should do this for him, but not appreciating what feels like threats and timelines. MIL's birthday is in 2 weeks and now the pressure starts? If it was genuine why would it matter if we 'talked' now or in 3 weeks? I don't react well to this kind of pressure, creates anxiety and makes the outcome not good (going by experience).

So I'm all muddled, on one hand I feel I have to do the "right" thing again and again swallow my pride. On the other hand I feel like I should not go against my gut which is really a defense mechanism to preserving my sanity and well being.

If you are still reading, thank you and go easy but I'm ok with honesty.

[TwinFoxes]

First, I think your husband is being really unfair. Putting pressure on you, and really threatening you is really bad for YOUR relationship, not to mention, it's not a good way to get someone to feel open to reconciling with someone.

That said, I'd just go to the party. But I have a pretty thick skin, and am not an introvert (don't know if you are) so I'd just go and try to keep my eyes from rolling too much. If they don't like me, whatevs. But that's just me, and I know a lot of people are not like that. I'm the type that can survive one party.

Maybe you can say you're willing to try in the future, but you just can't handle doing reconciling in two weeks, on such a big stage. Good luck. I really think he's being unfair.

[scrooks]

My first thought is maybe you shouldn't go to the party but your dh and your dc should be able to if your dh really wants to. From your previous posts it seems you REALLY don't like these people and it doesn't sound like something that can be fixed quickly, if ever (you don't seem to have a desire to at this point).

[janine]

First, I think your husband is being really unfair. Putting pressure on you, and really threatening you is really bad for YOUR relationship, not to mention, it's not a good way to get someone to feel open to reconciling with someone.

That said, I'd just go to the party. But I have a pretty thick skin, and am not an introvert (don't know if you are) so I'd just go and try to keep my eyes from rolling too much. If they don't like me, whatevs. But that's just me, and I know a lot of people are not like that. I'm the type that can survive one party.

Maybe you can say you're willing to try in the future, but you just can't handle doing reconciling in two weeks, on such a big stage. Good luck. I really think he's being unfair.

I am an introvert, these situations are hard for me to roll with (I wish it was easier, would make alot of things flow better). He hasn't specifically mentioned me going to this party but has asked that I speak with SIL and that MIL's birthday is in 2 weeks. I asked if this talk was directly related to his mother's 80th (as I know how his SIL operates) and he said yes it is. Meanwhile I have a 2 week vacation from work coming up, really looking forward to the break from the rat race but now this.

I agree he is being unfair, some of his comments really struck me as wrong (insinuating this would cause wedge which impacts our own family) but then don't know that he is aware how he is being and me saying it won't hold any water.

In these situations it always seems that the wife and husband are on same page and that makes them able to manage these family issues. What happens when you are not, and one has to suck it up and suffer? How does that not also create tension between the couple. So this is why I am so tired of his family, even indirectly they bring misery to us.

[janine]

My first thought is maybe you shouldn't go to the party but your dh and your dc should be able to if your dh really wants to. From your previous posts it seems you REALLY don't like these people and it doesn't sound like something that can be fixed quickly, if ever (you don't seem to have a desire to at this point).

Yes you are right. Maybe it can be fixed someday to the point of at least being amicable, but we are not there yet and it won't happen in one shot. But things always flare up with them when there is an event coming up and they suddenly realize there is no family, so they push everyone to put the denial hat on. I really don't operate well in that setting.

[TwinFoxes]

In these situations it always seems that the wife and husband are on same page and that makes them able to manage these family issues. What happens when you are not, and one has to suck it up and suffer? How does that not also create tension between the couple. So this is why I am so tired of his family, even indirectly they bring misery to us.

That just sounds awful. I'm sorry.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I really would make an effort to go. It's about MIL and she is turning 80. I get the desire to soak up every precious moment with elderly family members b/c you never know how much longer you'll have. Yes, a bit of a guilt trip from me- sorry. I would go and find the few people you genuinely like or tolerate there and sit with them. But, I'd go with a positive outlook and maybe that vibe will rub off. It's just a few hours of your life and you can also complain here during the party. I will give you that it is a sucky situation but it's not going away. I don't think sending dh and dc on their own is the greatest plan but I do get it and almost suggested it.

[janine]

I really would make an effort to go. It's about MIL and she is turning 80. I get the desire to soak up every precious moment with elderly family members b/c you never know how much longer you'll have. Yes, a bit of a guilt trip from me- sorry. I would go and find the few people you genuinely like or tolerate there and sit with them. But, I'd go with a positive outlook and maybe that vibe will rub off. It's just a few hours of your life and you can also complain here during the party. I will give you that it is a sucky situation but it's not going away. I don't think sending dh and dc on their own is the greatest plan but I do get it and almost suggested it.

I appreciate your feedback, it's valid. Thing is it is not at party stage but at stage where I'm being asked to talk with the most toxic person I know, and under a timeline which is hers (SIL's). I hear you on respecting elders and treasuring the moments with them but for me it is as if these are complete strangers and actually worse as it's like strangers who hate me. A party would not be a large group, it would be the same 6 characters (BIL/SIL and spouses). There are multiple family issues on DH's side so there is only the inner circle that is the "family", no extended family. I think if I went it would be totally for "show" and most likely I'd have a hard time hiding all the issues. I actually don't know why they'd want me in the mix at this stage, I think I'd be a liability! And there is BIL who called me names 2 years ago, how would I mix it up with him. I feel like this should first be about the immediate family (which is tense as well) and leave the fixing of spousal issues to later when less driven by a photo opportunity.

Ugh, no solutions I guess but I do really appreciate the comments, helps me alot.

[brittone2]

I don't really have any advice. IL issues are hard. We had major, major IL issues a decade or so ago with my ILs, and it was extremely stressful. My DH is a caring, considerate, loving spouse, but in his family, no one speaks up or raises concerns or talks about anything uncomfortable ever, and I simply could not continue with things the way they were. Fortunately, DH did get on board with realizing he had to have my back and we had to deal with this together. We ended up having a HUGE blowup with the ILs, which I do not recommend. I can suck up and deal with a lot and then just vent privately later, but over time the IL issues just wore me down to the point that I could not continue. Things were very rough for about a year. The blowup happened just before an out of state move, so there was some distance there both emotionally and physically following that blowup. In the next 2-3 years things improved a lot. We set firm boundaries, saw the ILs just 1-2x a year, talked periodically via phone or skype, and that helped our relationship long term, TBH. So it did get better in time. Once boundaries were in place, and I knew Dh was supportive and realized we had to tackle this together, etc. I was also better able to let things roll of my back. Redirecting conversations, sticking with light topics, giving vague statements in response to things, etc. were all easier basically once I felt I was "safe" in setting boundaries and having DH's support.

I now have a pretty fantastic relationship overall with MIL. We now live an hr away from her (vs. out of state). FIL passed away last year unexpectedly, and I'm very fortunate that we had sort of made amends over the years. I will say that I am glad that FIL did not pass away during a period when our relationship was tempestuous.

If you can go and feel okay about letting it all just roll of your back as much as possible, I'd consider going. But really, it is such a complex dynamic and with your DH not really making you feel supported, it makes it that much more difficult to let things roll off of you

[brittone2]

I forget the backstory here, but has MIL been particularly hurtful, or are you mostly upset at this point about BIL?

If you can manage to tolerate MIL, I would probably make an attempt if I could manage cool, calm, collected, and just redirect conversation, remain non committal with answers to things, etc. But really, the backstory, your DH's level of support in how you deal with them, etc. all does make a difference. If you are still raw and feeling a lack of support from DH, that makes it hard to power through the day without getting excessively rattled.