Help me think through this (IL issues)

[TxCat]

First, I think your husband is being really unfair. Putting pressure on you, and really threatening you is really bad for YOUR relationship, not to mention, it's not a good way to get someone to feel open to reconciling with someone.

That said, I'd just go to the party. But I have a pretty thick skin, and am not an introvert (don't know if you are) so I'd just go and try to keep my eyes from rolling too much. If they don't like me, whatevs. But that's just me, and I know a lot of people are not like that. I'm the type that can survive one party.

Maybe you can say you're willing to try in the future, but you just can't handle doing reconciling in two weeks, on such a big stage. Good luck. I really think he's being unfair.

I agree with the above.

As an aside, OP, I can sympathize with your situation pretty well. The biggest fights in my marriage have been about DH's family, specifically his brother, who has been super rude, disrespectful, or passive-aggressive to me in the past. I actually thought at one point in our first year of marriage that we would separate because of it, in large part because DH just didn't seem to acknowledge my point of view at all, didn't recognize in any way how inappropriately his brother was behaving, and just wasn't supportive. It was very damaging to our early months of marriage. We've worked through a lot of that, but it was hard. The upshot is that DH and I are more on the same page about these things (he recognizes his brother's bad behavior finally), but his brother still behaves badly so we still have to work through these situations pretty regularly, and it obviously is a source of great stress for DH (he'd much prefer that everyone get along, for obvious reasons).

My advice - go to the party, but not have a big talk with SIL right now. Why do you need to have a big talk with SIL? Why is that necessary before going to this birthday party? Sure, your whole family going might feel like you're just putting on a show of sorts, but isn't that true with a lot of adult life? Don't we all do some things, like faking a good attitude in certain situations, because it's sort of socially expected? So I would go, and if SIL or your DH really think that you need to have some big conversation, suggest that it would be better suited to after MIL's birthday party. And if you go, I'd just concentrate on hanging out with your kids if you need an escape from interacting with the rest of the family.

Finally, I'd suggest not focusing on how you think SIL is possibly manipulating the situation, i.e., wanting to talk now before the party, why now, why on "her" timeframe, etc. If the family, or MIL, wants to have this 80th birthday celebration, I think it does seem natural that they are then also figuring out the how's and if's of your family attending, since there have been problems there. Your SIL might very well be passive-aggressive and manipulative, but I do think that this seems like a natural time and reaction to trying to improve relations, even if it's only temporary for this one event. If she thinks it's a "win" for her that she's forcing you to attend or talk, that's her problem, not yours. You can't control how she is viewing things, you can only control your behavior. I've found that I feel much better about my IL situation once I started actively trying to take myself out of the petty mind games and tit-for-tat business, and tried to be much more straightforward and polite - I'll attend these family events, but I refuse to let myself get sucked back into the drama. If BIL starts behaving badly, that is a reflection on him (a 41 year old who acts like a 12 year old), not me, and it's not my problem.

[brittone2]

I've found that I feel much better about my IL situation once I started actively trying to take myself out of the petty mind games and tit-for-tat business, and tried to be much more straightforward and polite - I'll attend these family events, but I refuse to let myself get sucked back into the drama. If BIL starts behaving badly, that is a reflection on him (a 41 year old who acts like a 12 year old), not me, and it's not my problem.

Agree with this.

[kristenk]

I don't remember the back story. What are your feelings toward your MIL? If you have decent feelings toward her, I think I'd be more inclined to go to the party for her sake. I don't think that I'd take the time to talk to SIL and try to resolve anything (b/c it sounds like there's no real point and nothing would get resolved, but maybe I'm reading that wrong). Or would just going to the party have implications for future interactions?

ETA: I was posting while TxCat and Brittone were. Sorry for the repeated info!

[MontrealMum]

I agree with many of the points posted above. I think that you and I have comiserated about this before....I also have a difficult relationship with my DH's family (who are similar in many ways to your ILs), and it's been a point of contention for forever. DH and I have been together for 20 years so that's a long time! After a period of estrangement from DH's parents things are better now with them and I'm glad for it, but I still have major issues with SIL and probably always will. She is crazy. That doesn't stop me from mingling politely when necessary, but it also doesn't mean that I won't blast her if she's being a selfish b*&%h. I haven't done it yet, but you never know I'm an introvert, but I'm also a mama bear who's pretty good at sticking up for herself and her family.

My DH is only now beginning to stand up to his sister after 45 - yes 45 - years. It is incredibly frustrating. I repeatedly told DH that I did not want his family in *our* marriage, and he finally listened. Seems like yours is not and quite frankly, that's a good way to tear a marriage apart.

I think what strikes me most here is that your DH is not supporting you, in fact, he's pushing and guilting you over this. That's something that you two really need to seriously talk about. I'm also bothered by the idea that they think you need to have some sort of special talk with SIL. I agree with TxCat, if you do decide to go to the party, why is a talk with SIL necessary at this point? Go, be polite, even distant , but why do you need to do what these people want you to do? That's ridiculous. If you feel like hashing things out with her do it on your own terms and timeframe. I also agree with the advice to remove yourself from the pettiness. Rise above...you're better than that

[belovedgandp]

I'd ignore the relationship with SIL and BIL. Go to the party for MIL. No need to have an emotionally draining talk that you are not interested in having. Best case is you stress and it is OK and you'll be slightly more than civil at the party, but there are so many more potentially negative outcomes to this forced talk.

I don't have a confrontational relationship with ILs but I am not close to any of them. They are probably the only people that I've successfully developed a thick skin for their stupidity. I know they do not like me. I admit to totally using my kids as shields at these events. I don't normally hover on them, but at IL gatherings we never separate.

[HannaAddict]

Go to the party as it isn't about your SIL or BIL. Be civil, do your duty as the good DIL and come home and have a glass of wine. Be the adult and just go because it is a party for and about your MIL. I'm sorry!

[janine]

Thanks everyone, all great points and I've read all responses closely and appreciate each one. I know I've come here with the same issues over and over, I guess it's a toxic cycle so I end up in the same spot.

The reason why this birthday is hard for me to just do the right thing and show up, bite my lip and smile is because I haven't seen most everyone in years. I do have an ok relationship with MIL but really still a stretch. We see her once or twice a year (and most often that is when I'm out of the house or traveling - could be a coincidence) and my kids are probably confused as to who she is but young enough that they don't question. BIL is the biggest offender yes, but the family essentially supported him in their silence. It was such an offensive slight and they stayed away from us for a good 6 months after and then re-entered slowly a few times a year (holidays or some big occasion) as if all was fine. The all is fine is what I guess is hard for me. DH did seemingly support me, he didn't force anything but in retrospect I now see this was HIM not wanting to and now that he feels different we are at odds. I asked him once why if we or I was family to them -they were so silent and indifferent most of the time and he said it's becuase they didn't see me as family so why would the reaction to this blowout be different. I am not sure he meant it the way it came out but for me it was a turning point.

So while my relationship MIL is ok enough, she hasn't been able to isolate our relationship with her from BIL/SIL, so every occasion she tries to awkwardly inject BIL/SIL into it, through conversation or pressuring DH to force a get together (even funerals have gone this way). Dh says this is because she's Italian but I just don't get the need to push bodies together and pretend 2 x a year (and btw never reach out for my kids' birthdays).

As to why bother with the SIL talk, I think it's because DH thinks I need acknowledgement of all these things since I keep saying the denial is weird to me. But as time goes on I feel like many of you have said, like what's the point...to add to the drama? How would it possibly end well especially when forced? So maybe I should justgo along with the party knowing, based on history, it is so unlikely to lead to much more anyways.

I do feel unsupported by DH, but he doesn't see it like this, he sees it as he is in the middle and has the worst of all worlds and probably just wants the pressure off him. I understand that to a degree. But it is a strain throughout our marriage and isn't getting better.
Anyway, can't say how much I appreciate all the feedback.

[janine]

I agree with many of the points posted above. I think that you and I have comiserated about this before....I also have a difficult relationship with my DH's family (who are similar in many ways to your ILs), and it's been a point of contention for forever. DH and I have been together for 20 years so that's a long time! After a period of estrangement from DH's parents things are better now with them and I'm glad for it, but I still have major issues with SIL and probably always will. She is crazy. That doesn't stop me from mingling politely when necessary, but it also doesn't mean that I won't blast her if she's being a selfish b*&%h. I haven't done it yet, but you never know I'm an introvert, but I'm also a mama bear who's pretty good at sticking up for herself and her family.

My DH is only now beginning to stand up to his sister after 45 - yes 45 - years. It is incredibly frustrating. I repeatedly told DH that I did not want his family in *our* marriage, and he finally listened. Seems like yours is not and quite frankly, that's a good way to tear a marriage apart.

I think what strikes me most here is that your DH is not supporting you, in fact, he's pushing and guilting you over this. That's something that you two really need to seriously talk about. I'm also bothered by the idea that they think you need to have some sort of special talk with SIL. I agree with TxCat, if you do decide to go to the party, why is a talk with SIL necessary at this point? Go, be polite, even distant , but why do you need to do what these people want you to do? That's ridiculous. If you feel like hashing things out with her do it on your own terms and timeframe. I also agree with the advice to remove yourself from the pettiness. Rise above...you're better than that

Thanks MM. How did you successfully get to this point - ie telling your DH you didn't want his family in your marriage and your DH understanding.

[janine]

I agree with the above.

As an aside, OP, I can sympathize with your situation pretty well. The biggest fights in my marriage have been about DH's family, specifically his brother, who has been super rude, disrespectful, or passive-aggressive to me in the past. I actually thought at one point in our first year of marriage that we would separate because of it, in large part because DH just didn't seem to acknowledge my point of view at all, didn't recognize in any way how inappropriately his brother was behaving, and just wasn't supportive. It was very damaging to our early months of marriage. We've worked through a lot of that, but it was hard. The upshot is that DH and I are more on the same page about these things (he recognizes his brother's bad behavior finally), but his brother still behaves badly so we still have to work through these situations pretty regularly, and it obviously is a source of great stress for DH (he'd much prefer that everyone get along, for obvious reasons).

My advice - go to the party, but not have a big talk with SIL right now. Why do you need to have a big talk with SIL? Why is that necessary before going to this birthday party? Sure, your whole family going might feel like you're just putting on a show of sorts, but isn't that true with a lot of adult life? Don't we all do some things, like faking a good attitude in certain situations, because it's sort of socially expected? So I would go, and if SIL or your DH really think that you need to have some big conversation, suggest that it would be better suited to after MIL's birthday party. And if you go, I'd just concentrate on hanging out with your kids if you need an escape from interacting with the rest of the family.

Finally, I'd suggest not focusing on how you think SIL is possibly manipulating the situation, i.e., wanting to talk now before the party, why now, why on "her" timeframe, etc. If the family, or MIL, wants to have this 80th birthday celebration, I think it does seem natural that they are then also figuring out the how's and if's of your family attending, since there have been problems there. Your SIL might very well be passive-aggressive and manipulative, but I do think that this seems like a natural time and reaction to trying to improve relations, even if it's only temporary for this one event. If she thinks it's a "win" for her that she's forcing you to attend or talk, that's her problem, not yours. You can't control how she is viewing things, you can only control your behavior. I've found that I feel much better about my IL situation once I started actively trying to take myself out of the petty mind games and tit-for-tat business, and tried to be much more straightforward and polite - I'll attend these family events, but I refuse to let myself get sucked back into the drama. If BIL starts behaving badly, that is a reflection on him (a 41 year old who acts like a 12 year old), not me, and it's not my problem.

Thanks so much TxCat (and Brittone). It is helpful (and impressive ) to know others have been through it and successfully worked through it. I appreciated the thought out response and read it closely.

[niccig]

Hugs. Dh and I are in middle of falling out over his mother, although it's not as serious as what you're dealing with. DH also told me he wanted me to talk and clear the air with his mother. I told him his idea of a calm, sit down meeting that would resolve everything was unrealistic. His mother still thinks she did nothing wrong, and if she starts in on her excuses that she's already said to DH, I'm going to tell her it's BS, which DH agrees, her excuses are BS. MIL couldn't handle what I did say, me saying her justifications are BS isn't going to help things along, it'll make things worse. His idea of a meeting won't have a good outcome.

He said he wants me to like his mother again, and I told him I've never liked her. I tolerate her as she's his mother, but due to some of her personality traits, I will never "like" her and I don't need to like her to tolerate family gatherings. I don't expect DH to like my mother, I don't even like my mum, she's a difficult person.

MIL has shown where her priorities lie, and it's not DH and DS, that I won't forget. So yes, my relationship with her has changed and I will no longer be as flexible/understanding as I was in the past. I did though still reply to her phone call so DS could facetime with her, and there are coming here for Christmas. I will grin and bear it, bite my tongue as much as I can as it's the only Christmas they'll spend here. I won't talk to her about her behaviour that caused the fall out, deferring that to DH - it's his mum, he can tell her how hurt he was (he already has, but plans to do it again in person). We also live across the country, so I can tolerate her for a week, then I won't see her again for another 6-12 months - it would be more difficult if they lived locally.

I would tell your DH that a talk isn't going to work. SIL will justify her behaviour that will just get you even more upset. You'll go to the party and be polite, but your relationship with his parents/family is going to be more distant. I'd work on how you can deal with them and keep your boundaries to protect your family and stay out of the drama.