My ILs are great 90% of time, but this falls in the 10%! (Warning: loss mentioned)

[wendibird22]

I am lucky to have great ILs who help out a lot and are kind, supportive people. But today DH and I are just ticked off. Both DH and I had to work today (DH is a teacher and school hasn't started yet so we aren't in regular childcare/school mode yet) so ILs agreed to babysit DDs this morning. FIL came over at 8am and MIL was scheduled to come over at 9am (she can't get up early in the morning, whatever). At 9am I get a call on my cell from MIL letting me know that one of DHs younger cousins was killed last night in a bike/car accident. She wasn't going to inform DH until after his half day at work but wanted to let me know. I offered to come back home or have my mom come watch the girls to free up ILs to take care of family (this was a son of FILs brother). She said no, it would be good to be around the kids and focus on them instead of feeling sad. I say ok, fine, let me know if something changes. Well, DH just called me to tell me the news and I explain I already know. He was surprised and miffed that they didn't him that they already told me. THEN he goes on to say that our daughters know. WHAT!!!!!! So ILs decide to tell my 4.5yo and 7yo that daddy's cousin was hit by a car and died. My super sensitive, still cries about great grandpa being dead (even though she has no memory of him other than pictures because she was so young when he passed) DD1 knows????!!!! Without asking me first???!!!!! I'm sorry, that is NOT ok. That was not their place. I'm sure they were sad and perhaps fielding phone calls from our house but they could have just said something happened that made them sad and redirected the kids to play. Or better yet, if they couldn't control emotions (don't expect them to) or not field family calls then they should have taken me up on my offer to come home. DH and I should be the ones to share, if we felt appropriate, this news with our daughters. This cousin wasn't around much (moved a lot), so our girls didn't really know him. That would have influenced how we approached sharing the news with them. Now we have to contend with a very sensitive DD1 who I know will fixate on this, and likely be scared to ride her bike in the road with DH. They've been going on very fun, and safe, family bike rides, but DD1 is always a bit nervous. Now I can imagine that will be compounded. GAAAAAHHHHH!

Ok, vent over.

[ArizonaGirl]

I'm so sorry, DS is very much like your DD1, he cries at sad stuff on TV that barely comes up on my radar and I thought I was emotional.

I would have been livid.

[KpbS]

I would be really mad and disappointed too. DS1 still cries some about my grandmother that died because he didn't get to say goodbye to her. She wasn't in a good place for him to see. Her death really affected him and informing him of another family member who died (w/o saying goodbye) AND involving a fear of his? Forget about it! I'm sorry OP.

[wendibird22]

Thanks guys. DH is mad too. In talking to DD1 later last night she said she heard FIL on the phone and asked him who died and then how and FIL told her. I asked if he talked any more about it or if MIL said anything to her and she said no. FIL could have easily responded "sorry you had to hear that, it's not for you to worry about" and then redirected her with play. And here's the rub...he's a k-6 child psych (retired). He should totally know better. This was a late 20s young man she met maybe once and certainly doesn't know/remember. Why burden her with the details?