I can't stand the (mis)behavior. LONG.

[pastrygirl]

Update in #24.
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This is more of a vent than anything. But feel free to commiserate or make suggestions!

My 8yo son has high-functioning ASD. It presents itself as misbehavior, not listening to rules, or just plain defiance. It's gotten better over the years but is still SO frustrating. I really can't stand to spend a whole day with him, so on weekends, I let him play as much Minecraft as he wants. I don't feel like putting in the time to use a reward chart and check his behavior every 10 minutes to make sure he's on-task, or not kissing his brother's head, or not misusing something (and therefore breaking it). ARGHHHHH.

He's EIGHT and looks like a big kid. This was easier when he was still little and baby-ish. But now? I expect so much more of him because of his appearance, I think. And his greater understanding of things in general. He can put two and two together, so why can't he train his body and/or mind to do appropriate things?

He started karate this summer and it's been a disaster. He LOVES it, though, and the Senseis have experience with ASD kids, which is why I signed him up there. Still, it's so frustrating time after time to see him standing there doing nothing, or stomping his hands on the floor, or looking in the mirror. Hooting randomly during class. Doing moves that aren't even remotely close to what he should be doing. He's completely uncoordinated, but the class focuses heavily on effort even when the ability is not there.

Yesterday I made him pay for the class (took it out of his allowance) because I don't want to pay for his nonsense behavior. I also told him I'd ask them not to invite him to test until his 5yo brother caught up to his yellow belt. Obviously he hated that idea, but then I got an email that night asking his brother to test, but not him. Phew; they did it for me. (5yo has several belts to go before reaching him, though.)

I tried a reward/behavior chart for karate and have done it twice so far. I give him a checkmark every time I see him do something appropriately or make a good effort. Each mark equals 5 minutes of Minecraft on Friday, a day I usually don't limit. The first time I used the chart, I had to start making notes about all the misbehaviors, because they occurred every two seconds!! I wasn't planning to remove checkmarks based on bad behavior, because he usually responds to positive reinforcement, but ugh. I want to take away Minecraft forever, but that would be a worse punishment for ME!

I was so embarrassed during yesterday's karate class. He was just awful.

I can't stand weekends, because he is just awful.

We have home ABA twice a week, thank goodness. I don't have to deal with him on those two days. The other two days are karate, and then Friday with (usually) unlimited Minecraft after school.

Bleep the bleep. I just want him to start doing what he's told, or at least acting like he heard what was said. I mean, the sensei told him to grab his toes, not his socks. Specifically, speaking TO HIM right next to him. He continues to grab his socks as if nothing was said.

I have his 3-year IEP meeting next week and not looking forward to it. I have a sense that he's been just as awful in school lately. His last several ABA sessions have been terrible. Why doesn't he want to behave???

[JCat]

I will probably reply again later when I have more time but just wanted to say I understand!!! If I have to hear my ASD 5YO say again the phrase, "What happens if I DON'T do it mommy, what happens then?" I will freaking lose my mind! And when I tell him then he starts getting upset about the consequences. Well then just DON'T DO whatever naughty thing you are talking about kid! I don't answer the question anymore either, but he continues to ask.

[elliput]

I think you need to reassess your expectations with regards to his behavior. Do you absolutely know he does not want to behave and is purposefully misbehaving, or are you trying to hold him to a standard to which he is not capable of meeting right now?

There are many times when I have tried to force DD to meet my expectations, to absolutely disastrous results. It takes a lot of patience and understanding on our part as the parent to know when to push and when not to, and I know I still haven't figured out when the best time for what is.

About 20 years ago, I volunteered as a ski instructor for a program which provided recreational activities for adults with disabilities. All of the volunteers were paired with one participant. The young woman who I worked with refused week after week to even put the ski boots on. About halfway through the program, I was finally able to convince her to put the boots on. It took a couple more weeks after that to get her to leave the lodge. On the final day of the program, she felt comfortable enough that I was able to get her on skis and to the rope tow. She did only as much as she was comfortable with and I respected that because I knew she had to have the experience on her terms.

Let your DS progress at a pace he is comfortable with. Maybe in a few weeks he will grab his toes and not his socks.

[elliput]

Something else to consider when evaluating your DS's behavior, don't discount the difference a location makes. The HVAC at the Dojo might distract him as well as the movements from the other kids, and you already mentioned the mirrors are distracting. All those little things which most of us are able to tune out can be nearly impossible to ignore for an ASD kid.

[hillview]

I think I'd get to a therapist -- sorry to be so direct. DS2 frustrates me and it really helps me to work with his therapist to understand his behavior -- what he can and cannot control and why he can't (root cause). In my case DS2 has an "abnormally high disregard for authority, believes he is on the same footing/equal stature with adults including parents" ok well I kind of knew that but nice way to frame it up for me

Your situation sounds very hard. HUGS for that. Agree with Erica that from what you wrote it sounds like your expectations are not what he is able to meet. The theory that IF kids can do well they will do well I think is very real.

[Pepper]

I'll commiserate with you. I had to laugh at the kissing his brother's head thing - my 8yo is CONSTANTLY rubbing his 5yo brother's head! It drives me nuts.

I get your frustration. My DS1 is probably on the spectrum. We've been dancing around that diagnosis since he was 3. He's ADHD, and maybe RAD, and his recent neuropsych put him into PDD-NOS, ODD and depressive disorder. I just went through all his evaluations and got rather blue thinking about all of the therapeutic strategies and interventions we've tried to get his behavior under control. It's tiring, dealing with it, constantly. And even though I know the boys are not aware of just how hard i'm working to take care of them, sometimes its like - I do all of this crap on my own, doing everything for our family, and you can't just put on your coat and go get in the car??!?!? So even though I think I've adjusted my expectations of what DS1 can do, I'm still exhausted from the reality of living with what he can do. Hope that makes sense.

One strategy that I've been trying to use on the weekends is to get both boys in situations where they tend to do well, especially together (because they fight a LOT). So, we'll go to the beach for a while, even though it's fall in New England and cold and they'll fight on the way there and the way home...but when we're actually AT the beach they both do great together. Is there something other than Minecraft that your DS1 will engage in? A place you can go, even if you just veg out while he watches the clouds or something? If he likes looking at him self in the mirror at karate class, is there a section of a children's museum or science museum where he can do that? Our science museum has a playground-type of area that's supposed to teach kids about physics of play, but DS1 likes to go there because he gets to do this running thing.

Another thought for you - if he has been awful in school lately, as you suspect, and also having more than usual difficulty in ABA, maybe something new is going on. Hopefully the school and his therapist can give you some insights on that.

HTH. Hugs!

[123LuckyMom]

I know very little about ASD, but I feel for you with the struggle you described. Parenting is HARD and so much more so with a child with ASD. It just seemed to me reading about karate that it might help both you and him if that could be a place where he could just have fun and not try to meet expectations. He loves it. The sensais seem to be experienced and willing for him to just enjoy himself. It's okay if he progresses at his own pace, isn't it? It might be a place where he can feel a sense of achievement and enjoyment without pressure. I'm sure it's hard on him, too, to know he's messing up all the time. Maybe karate could be a place where it doesn't matter and he can just have fun. I think if it were me, I wouldn't watch the lesson. I'd stay outside in case I was needed, but I wouldn't watch. If I didn't see it, I wouldn't be able to be irritated. I'd just let the sensais handle it. I'd let them test him whenever they felt he was ready. It might be a good thing for him to stay ahead of his little brother. It might help him feel good about himself. Also that time he's in class could be a good break for you! Again, I don't know what I'm talking about, but that was what popped into my head as I read your post.

[o_mom]

OMG the head kissing.... DS1 does this to DS3 and it sets DS3 off every time. I just don't understand it.

[KpbS]

Just hugs, huge, huge hugs.

[ArizonaGirl]

I have nothing but complete understanding, because my son (autism/adhd) is like a miniature version of your it sounds.

No advice just empathy and