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  1. #1
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    Default Feeling very sad about family

    I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I'm feeling very sad today and have no one IRL to share this with. In a nutshell, DH and I both come from extraordinarily dysfunctional families. I am now close to my mom, but she lives on a different continent so the kids only get to see her once a year. She's a great grandma to them, but due to her codependent relationship with my awful, toxic sister (who my mom herself describes as 'evil'), she will never spend Christmas with my family, always my sister and her kids. My father is/was abusive and I try to keep contact with him to the very minimum for obvious reasons.

    DH's mom is truly horrendous - I would swap pretty much anyone's MIL for her. I have honestly never met anyone so selfish, and her reckless decisions (that led to DH being moved between 9 different schools in his youth; having his name changed against his will; be mercilessly bullied by step-siblings; allowing her new husband to physically abuse him etc etc ) still haunt us to this day. She successfully estranged him from all his step-siblings and his real father (destroyed letters that his dad sent and told him that he wanted nothing to do with him etc etc).

    DH is in the very early stages of rebuilding a relationship with his father, having been unable to deal with the revelations for many years (FIL tried to kill himself as a result of MIL's behavior!!) and as much as I like FIL a lot he also lives on another continent and has a very young GF and a DD the same age as my DS1, so isn't really up for the 'grandfather' role. We will likely only see him once every 5 years, he could never afford to fly here even if he wanted to.

    I was very sad over Christmas when DS1 started asking why we don't have family come over like all his preschool friends, it was a very lonely day for us. DH had a row with MIL on the phone a few days prior to Christmas - he NEVER rows with her and usually allows her to manipulate him into feeling bad about her own behavior - I was stunned when he told me he had hung up the phone on her. He apparently asked her why she hadn't sent a card/called/acknowledged DS2's birthday, to which she replied: 'Well he didn't call me on my birthday!'. The child was 20 months old!! Should he have picked up the phone of his own accord? Or should we have dragged him out of bed at 10.30pm, which is the time DH and I called her on account of the time difference in the country she lives??

    This cast a big shadow over Christmas for DH (of course, she made no contact, and no card or gifts were sent for the kids). Today, to add insult to injury, we received an email from the woman that DH has long considered to be his 'real' mom - MIL's BFF who never had kids of her own but basically stepped in to be the mom that MIL never was. She bought DH his first drink, lent him money for his first car, and we even made a big deal of making her a 'grandparent' of our kids when they were born as godmother didn't seem a strong enough title. We and the kids adore her and her DH and have always been close.

    The email said that MIL had told her that DH had been awful to MIL on the phone call (when he hung up) and that he had 'ruined' MIL's Christmas - she said she'd been ignoring our calls and emails as she didn't want to deal with it - she made it very clear that her loyalty lies with MIL, and that she is prepared to lose DH - who she always called "my son!" - and the kids over it. I am heartbroken as my children have almost no extended family to begin with; to lose her as well feels like a bereavement.

    I hate that I brought my kids into such dysfunction. Why do both sides of our families have to be so awful? Every time I see a loving grandparent pick one of DS's classmates up from preschool it stings. When people complain about dealing with the influx of aunts/cousins it aches. Seeing all those lucky people with involved, caring extended families all around us is just heartbreaking. My kids deserve so much better; and it truly rips my heart in two to think that they have so few people to care about them.

    Sorry for the pity party. DS1 keeps asking questions about extended family that I am ill-equipped to answer
    Last edited by twotimesblue; 01-03-2015 at 12:55 PM.

  2. #2
    Melaine is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    I wish I had something more constructive to add, but just wanted to say that I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this pain. Your post is really heartbreaking. I have no experience with this kind of dysfunction so all I can do is say a prayer for peace in the new year for you. I think it is wonderful that you and your DH have built a safe and loving home for your own children. It's hard to raise a family even without the baggage, so I think you deserve some serious commendation on this! You have given your children the most precious gift by breaking the cycle.

    If I were in your shoes, I would actively seek someone to "adopt" as a grandparent figure to help your children build this relationship. Don't get me wrong, I think your family is lovely and complete as is and I am confident that you can build a great holiday tradition that your children will cherish. But since you really seem to long for that intergenerational connection, I would go out and find it. If you don't have a church, that is probably the easiest place to start. There are always folks who are lonely and I know some who would love to adopt a family like yours. If not, maybe a neighbor, or if not, maybe a retirement home. We have visited several and there are always folks eager to talk. They absolutely love seeing the children and maybe somehow that could grow into a relationship. If you can find someone I would be bold and just ask, "will you take on a grandparent role to my kids". I have been lucky enough to be in several churches were connecting with that kind of relationship is possible. Whatever you do, my best wishes to you in 2015!

  3. #3
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    I agree with everything Melaine said. But I wanted to add my own best wishes for you in 2015. What you describe sounds completely toxic and awful. The only thing I would say is don't write off your own mom and FIL even though they live far away and may not be in the ideal situation. I'd really try to make more frequent visits happen, maybe not for Christmas, but even other parts of the year would benefit your DCs.
    Mommy to my wonderful, HEALTHY twin girls
    6/08 - Preemies no more!

  4. #4
    MamaMolly is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Here's the thing. Toxic people tend to attract codependent people, who keep the mess going. I'm sure that's what is going on with your DH's other-mom. In her own way, she is attracted to the nuttiness of MIL and feeds on and into the drama. I'm awfully sorry that your DH is a casualty of her codependence.

    You guys have both made tremendous strides in building a healthy family together, and should be proud. Take the time to lick the wounds, but don't linger over them.
    Molly
    Lula '06 outgrew her allergy to milk & eggs, still allergic to peanuts and cats
    Dolly '10

  5. #5
    hellokitty is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Twotimesblue-

    I am actually in a somewhat similar situation. There is severe dysfunction on both sides of our family. It is ok to grieve at the idea that you and your kids will never have a, "normal," family. I totally get that, as I have been where you are too. I have been jealous of friends having such healthy and, "normal" family relationships and then looking at my parents and mil and how much drama they cause each time, I would get both sad and angry and resentful. They cause so much grief, disappointment, anger and resentment, just about everything they do causes bad feelings and we would never put up with friends who acted like this, so why were we putting up with family members like this? So, the best words of advice I can give you is to distance yourself from those who are causing the drama. It sounds counterproductive, since you WANT a close/normal relationship with the dysfunctional ppl of the family. However, if you were to step back and see the big picture, you would see that these ppl are hurting you and your family and they cause you unhappiness. Most importantly, they are incapable of understanding how to be loving, caring and have a healthy relationship, so you cannot expect them to do something that they are incapable of.

    So, in the past year, some pretty big things have happened in regards to the two main sources of dysfuction. My parents and in laws both live in hr in opp directions from us. My parents have been restless, since my dad had to retire kicking and screaming, so they made a very brash decision to move out of state. This happened in June. It has been the best thing for us. Instead of the constant guilt tripping to visit them, and me constantly being disappointed and angry at what crappy grandparents they were (mostly my dad, my mom is my dad's co-dependent and that is what prevents her from being, "normal"), I would re-live this over and over again. Now they are 7 hrs away. We visited them for a very brief wknd visit at their new place last wknd for the first time in 6 mo since we had last seen them. I am so glad to be away from the dysfunction, I have never been happier and mentally healthier as I am now. I realize that I have lived the majority of my life depressed, due to the constant flow of negativity from my parents. I also went back to work after being a sahm for 10 yrs and basically would not be able to tolerate the crap my parents keep dishing out, b/c I basically don't have the time and patience for it. The distance is the best thing for our relationship. DH and I only plan to see my parents once, maybe twice a yr at most. As for the gp/gc relationship... my kids will NEVER have that. Dh and I never had it, as our parents were immigrants and we barely knew our gp. I had yearned for my kids to have a gp relationship, but obviously it is unrealistic, and just tortures us to see that access does not make a good gp/gc relationship, like we had thought it would. My kids are age 5, 9 and 10 and very aware at how dysfunctional my dad is. It is kind of sad, b/c my dad thinks he is good grandfather to my kids, but he is a narcissist and completly incapable of it and too arrogant to admit or to take anyone's advice. He is a sad, lonely, angry man and this is much to his own doing. They moved away b/c when he retired, he had nothing, and now they realize that they are still unhappy after their big move and seem so disappointed, blaming it on the new location, but it's them. My father is incapable of being a happy person, he is a negative, whiny, toxic person. He wants to see my kids, but it is only for his own ego, so he can make himself feel like he is a good person. Do not mistake this for kindness... ppl like this have very selfish motives and they want everything on THEIR terms. I've seen my dad go off on my kids, something a good gp would NEVER do, but he is incapable of understanding this and will never been a good gp, so the best thing is to shelter my children. I'd rather that they have limited contact with y dad, than to have lots of frequent, but negative contact with him.

    Now, onto my mil. Dysfunction city. She is one of the most selfish, miserable, critical ppl I have ever come across. DH's words, "She sucks the joy out of everything." Yup, she's a real life dementor from harry potter. She is very arrogant and prideful and constantly says how much she loves her sons (malignant love, if you ask me) and her gc. She treats fil and my sil and I like garbage, while trying to put herself on a god-like pedestal and has a piss poor entitlement attitude that makes you just want to strangle her. I have seen the dysfunction from the very beginning. DH and I have been married for almost 16 yrs. My problem was mama's boy syndrome and dh always excusing the mean things his mom said/did as, "normal/just the way she's always been." Well, there was a big blow up back in August. Mil was totally in the wrong, bil also did some bone-headed things in reaction to his mother's entitled request and dh and I got dragged into it and run over, bulldozer style, b/c they know that dh is, "the nice one," and so they totally just ran him over. Of course, I saw this from a mile away and told dh to put his foot down, he didn't and then after it went down, he realized what happened. It was the first step to waking dh up and b/c I was so pissed at his family, after 15 yrs of hosting both thanksgiving and xmas, I told dh I was not hosting, his mom could host. So, she very reluctantly hosted, and pretty much made it very evident that it was beneath her to host anything, that it was our, "job" to do it, along with her spewing a bunch of hateful things to my dh (usually, he does not get this, sil and I get it, but due to mil moving to a condo and limiting where we could hang out, mil's words were there for everyone to hear), his eyes are totally open to his mom's antics and evil behavior. Guess what? We did not spend xmas or NY with the in laws either. Mil used every trick in the book and had fil calling us several times a day hinting that they wanted an invitation and dh did not let his mom bully her way in, which is what she normally does. Mil has always bullied herself into spending holidays with us (easter, TG, xmas, NY... mil has always invited herself over, despite my unhappines over this rude behavior), as bil/sil live far away enough and we get stuck with burden of dealing with her. Since everything went down in Thanksgiving, dh and I have been so much happier. We eliminated most of the drama from my side over the summer when my parents moved away. Mil did a great job of getting herself put on time out after what happened in August (but she was continuing to stir the pot and dh was a very angry person btwn august to thanksgving, not being able to see how toxic his mother is), it did not take any convincing for us to have a mil/fil free xmas and NY and it was glorious and I plan to remind dh of his mother's behavior, lest he get amnesia and try to fall back into mama's boy mode again.

    My dh is finally starting to see how toxic his family is and how his mother will never be happy, that she is toxic and best at dragging everyone down. When you, "see the light" realizing that these sources of dysfunction bring so much unhappiness and anger, you realize that the best thing to do is to severely limit or cut off relations with them. My kids call my mil, "the weird gma." They know that she is not, "normal," and it's nothing we said or did. She comes over, expects my boys to shower her with attn, basically ignores them the entire, while hogging the convo with my dh and being negative and critical toward fil and myself and then when she leaves, she expects my kids to shower her with attn again. How does that define being a good grandparent? It doesn't! Like my dad, she is incapable of it. Both feel that they are doing nothing wrong and it is someone else's fault or they delude themselves into thinking that they have a close relationship (mil thinks she is very close to her sons, but it is her own ego, they don't like how meddlesome she is, so they pretty much lie to her all of the time to keep her out of their hair). The true sad part is that both my mom and my fil are capable of being good gp. HOWEVER, they are co-dependents to their very toxic spouses, and it prevents them from behaving in a normal and healthy manner (both excuse the dysfunctional one and stick up for them, even when they are in the wrong). Mil does this for her ego, she wants to brag to ppl that she has such great children and gc who shower her with love and she bullies her sons into giving her lavish gifts (which is what went down in august and broke the camel's back), so she can brag about it and convince herself that she is held to high esteem, when she is nothing but a thug.

    Like Melaine said, seek someone else to be close to. What is the point of staying with faaaaaamily if they treat you and your family like garbage? We forget that just b/c they are related to us, it doesn't give them the right to treat us poorly. Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I see that you are where I was about 5-10 yrs ago. We are so much happier right now, having very limited contact wth toxic family members and I do not feel badly for my kids anymore. It is worse to expose them to toxic family members and just a matter of time before they spew their toxic behavior on your kids or try to use the same manipulation as they do to you and other family members. Stop it before it happens.
    Last edited by hellokitty; 01-03-2015 at 11:56 AM.
    Mom to 3 LEGO Maniacs

  6. #6
    twowhat? is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Wow. Hugs to you and HK anyone else with such dysfunction in their families. I like the idea of getting friends (doesn't have to be grandparent age - really any adult friends) to help fill the "holes".

  7. #7
    Corie's Avatar
    Corie is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    This is why my husband cut off all contact with his family. The pain is just not worth it. Dysfunctional families are hard!!
    Corie

    "A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight."
    -fortune cookie

  8. #8
    Kestrel is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Hugs to all. This was hard to hear, but more people need to be this honest.

    My family is not nearly this bad; but we have a grandmother-aged family friend AND a young single mother with a DS very close to mine DS's who are both isolated from their bio families.

    We've made our OWN extended family, and are very happy with it. I hope you can find yours, too!

  9. #9
    elbenn is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I think Melaine gave really good advice. I'm sure there are many lonely older people that would just love having a connection with your DC.

  10. #10
    oneplustwo is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    OP, hugs to you! Completely get where you are coming from and understand those pangs when you see/hear others with happy extended family. I wouldn't say that DH and I actively sought out to build our own version of a community and extended family, but we do have that and it works; it can work for you too! We have dear friends that join us every year for Thanksgiving. We have close relationships with some older people through our church ~ several of them came to hear our kids perform at a concert last month. And BTW, there are churches for all types of faiths, so don't feel that you have to have certain kinds of beliefs in order to join one. This time of year can be very hard especially. Allow yourself to grieve, but try not to dwell and instead focus on the good and the joy of what you do have and can continue to build with your DH and kids.
    “The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will,
    and the other from a strong won’t.” Henry Ward Beecher

    Worry is like a rocking chair ~ it keeps you busy but it doesn't get you anywhere.

    for Sandy Hook Elementary School

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