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  1. #11
    Mopey is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Hugs to you OP. I don't really have any advice since I am not there yet but it does sound good to lay low and try to find others through avenues that speak to you (volunteering, etc.). I will say this is something I always worried about as I've grown up and wanted to move out.....And I realize now I'm glad our budget to buy a house is quite small as I won't even have to look in those very affluent competitive burbs. And not for nothing but somehow I've always heard this from friends in NJ as opposed to westchester or even CT. I really wish you strength and I hope things start looking up in this regard
    Mom to Miss Mopey! 3/12 & Baby Boy GoGo! 7/15



    "Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

  2. #12
    mnj77 is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    I'm sorry you're not feeling good about your community. We live in the suburbs, but it's not a particularly ritzy suburb and we live in a tiny, ticky tacky townhouse. We don't have granite countertops or a walk-in closet, but we do have the most lovely, genuine, kind neighbors I've ever met, who not coincidentally have lovely, kind kids. We could afford a nicer house now and we could definitely use the extra room, but we keep putting off moving because I don't think we would fit in as well. Like you said, there are certainly pockets of nice people everywhere - it's one of those things you just have to luck into I guess.

  3. #13
    Simon is offline Ruby level (4000+ posts)
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    That sounds awful. None of that is the norm where we live, we have a nice group of friends who value cooperation over competition. Its partly our region and partly the people we've chosen to be friends with.
    Ds1 (2006). Ds2 (2010). Ds3 (2012).

  4. #14
    lmh2402's Avatar
    lmh2402 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    thanks, guys

    it's really a combination of me not being all that good at making friends in the first place - I am shy and have to really push to put myself out there. but the general vibe here is just not all the enticing. so it makes an already challenging situation even more challenging

    ugh

    the one couple we actually like quite a bit and I'm pretty friendly with the Mom -they're planning to move at the end of the school year b/c they don't like the weather or the people

    lol
    mama to my awesome sporty boy (4/09) , precocious little girl (7/12) , and loving doggies (10/05 & 1/14)

  5. #15
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    I think this is probably mostly an east coast thing, especially in the New York and DC areas. When my kids were in preschool, I was shocked to see some moms who were really obvious social climbers, wanting to be in the right clique, right club, get their kid in the right school. It just seems so silly and superficial; it is hard to believe some people have barely matured since high school. Anyway, there are always people who find this as ridiculous as you do, try to find them.

  6. #16
    bisous is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I don't think this is only on the East Coast unfortunately! I felt it quite acutely in Utah (consistent with what Stantonhyde observed) and a little bit here in CA. My current neighborhood is actually a LOWER COL than my prior neighborhood but if anything this makes people more apt to compare--maybe because they are more insecure? I really think this is a phenomenon that exists in our tiny micro-communities and can be the result of just a few families that really get caught up in it. As much as I hate that kind of "game" it is really hard not to be sensitive to it, even for people who aren't shy!

    OP, I hope you find some good people that help you feel peace!

  7. #17
    sste is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I would feel upset too. I don't know if it makes you feel any better but there is usually some snake in one's residential eden. We love our area, other parents are not only supportive but loving and caring to one another's kids, super easy to make friends not that we have that much time. We decided not to move to a few other towns that were from our POV pressure cookerish or parents seemed to take a weird attitude toward youth sports (as in making it not about fun or even winning the game but about some sort of social hierarchy because you know individual success in the present economic market really requires great . . .soccer skills???).

    *But* for all of its many positives, our community is a more urban district and it does not have the $$ to deal with kids with special needs, academically advanced or even I think there are some financial constraints on programs beyond the basics for art/music/gym funding etc if your child has a special talent in an arts/sports area.

    It helps me sometimes to remember with other parents that seem competitive that the root of it is generally anxiety and/or regret. Parents are just very anxious about their children. Moms (or dads) that used to have a consuming career now find themselves a SAP in the new York burbs or wherever and not all find that transition easy -- they don't know where to channel their competitive drives that were formerly satisfied with their own work. Also a number of very well off people were not superstars academically or not to the level of their own supercharged standards-quite a lot of people have regret about their academic or career performance that gets projected to their kids. I really do believe that a lot of the time people are just reacting to anxiety, insecurity, and regret and that makes it easier for me to reach out to them.
    ds 2007
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  8. #18
    cuca_ is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Philly Mom View Post
    Wanted to send you hugs. I could never move back to the NY suburbs for that very reason. My friends who live up there (either in NJ or NY/CT) have similar complaints. They feel lonely at times even though they are surrounded by people all the time.
    Yes. This was my experience too when living in NY suburbs. When we moved to the Midwest i was amazed at how nice everyone was. I'm sorry OP, I know how tough it is!

  9. #19
    Mopey is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Okay can people start PMing the suburbs you lived in so I can avoid them pretty please? I want to get excited about moving out of the city next year and not.......other I would move farther away if I could but I really don't think we can.

    Seriously, PM me please
    Mom to Miss Mopey! 3/12 & Baby Boy GoGo! 7/15



    "Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

  10. #20
    KpbS's Avatar
    KpbS is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I am sorry that has been your experience---I would be MISERABLE too. Our small city (not in the NE) is not like this. Sure, there are some people who want to compete and some friends have said their kids feel this materialist pressure very acutely at their private schools, but that is not my daily life or my kid's lives. Hugs to you.
    K

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