Navigating sick grandpa

[lalasmama]

I'm so sorry you are going through this!

FIL passed just after Thanksgiving... While the actual timing was unexpected, FIL had been in ICU 2 years ago, so we had started preparing DD at that time. She was almost 9 when the ICU happened, and 10y9m when FIL died.

As far as preparing her, we explained that when people grow old, their bodies stop working as well, and when that happens, sometimes things that we need to live stop working. So, in FIL's case, he had been alive a long time, and smoking a long time, so his lungs were having a hard time working anymore, which is why he had to go to the hospital... and eventually what led to his passing. She accepted this reasonably well, however, my mom had passed when DD was 3yo, so she was already aware that people don't live forever, and that our bodies give out eventually.

We took DD with us everywhere. In fact, she was there at the house after FIL died, when we were talking with the medical examiner. It wasn't ideal, but it was life. She managed better than we expected! So, in the end, she was there at the house until the funeral home arrived (when we made her go with her older sisters over to our house up the street, as we didn't want older DDs there either when they were talking FIL's body), then went to the funeral home with us to make the arrangements, helped us plan the funeral with the priest, went to the funeral (including ahead of time, when the Patriot Riders rode with FIL's ashes), and then to the meal afterward. She was one of 3 kids at the funeral (her, her cousin, and our grandson/FIL's great-grandson who was still a newborn). Many people commented on how much they liked seeing DD and the other 2 kids at the funeral.

DD doesn't seem any worse for wear for being there through all of it. She understood it's just how life goes. And while DD is *definitely* anxiety-prone, we just discussed how it was a part of life, and she seemed to actually took it in surprising stride!

[belovedgandp]

My children (and DH and I) are fortunate to have healthy grandparents (parents) in their lives. But we have had ongoing contact and lost two great grandmothers, several of my aunts/uncles and many great-aunts/uncles or simply family friends the kids call "great grandma/pa" for simplicity.

We've always been open in our conversations and talked to what they were comfortable with. We've been in the hospital immediately before and after a leg amputation. We've visited a great uncle in hospice care. And with this my 11YO has at least 15 visitation and/or funerals so far in his life. The younger kids not as many, but my 4YO has been to a few with me recently for friends/family during the week that were not close enough to take the other kids out of school, but I felt I should be there.

There's an excellent essay floating around in different forms. The original I remember hearing on NPR many years ago about "always going to the funeral" resonated with me and how I was brought up.

I'm attempting to model supporting the family and that sadness and death are a part of life.

[klwa]

My mom passed away when DS was only 2, but nieces & nephews were all the way up to high school age. All the kids (DS included) were at the graveside portion of the service, but the youngest 3 (DS, DN3, and DN1) were kept at my dad's during the main part of the funeral, both because it was nap time and to allow us to have a chance to grieve without them there. The elementary school aged kids were all at all the services, including the visitation. (DS was at the visitation for about an hour, then I sent DH to my dad's with him.) Momma was cremated, but was still buried. At the graveside, the kids released balloons (yes, I know, but I wasn't the one making the decisions), and my brothers and I released doves. (That was not well though out since I don't like birds. At all.)

As for talking with them, just talk to them. Depending on your beliefs, I like the book "The Next Place". It's a picture book, so maybe a little young for your oldest, but goes through some discussion on an afterlife. You could probably use it as a jumping off point for most religious or even non-religious beliefs. It isn't very specific, just the no pain, coming together as a group, but no mention of how you come together.