"GoFundMe.com" - question/gripe

[DietCokeLover]

A little OT, but I and about 30 other people were recently scammed by an old "friend" from high school who claimed to have been fired due to excessive absences for cancer treatment. He had a GFM page, which now that the scam was discovered was taken down. I sent $$ to him personally, so no recourse for me to recoup it, but my already shaky feelings about GFM pages is really skeptical now. I will probably never give to anything on one of those because of this experience.

That being said, I don't find adoption fundraisers generally distasteful, but the couple in OP's scenario would probably rub me the wrong way.

[sunnyside]

I guess I can see asking for an unspecified amount, unspecified target amount in lieu of baby shower. Maybe. I would never do this myself in a mc/umc bracket but I am trying to keep an open mind. But not this gofundme!

Also perhaps I am making assumptions but based on the amounts they are requesting I suspect they are trying to adopt a white infant only? That would be a major turn off to me and not a "charity" I want to support.

Definitely making assumptions. Adoption is extremely expensive, no matter what.

[Liziz]

Eeek, I try to be open minded about things like this, but this would rub me the wrong way, too. Someone commented on how with pregnancies, people throw baby showers, even for those who have means, etc. I see this as entirely different. I would throw/support an adoption baby shower, just like a pregnancy baby shower (I know times it's happened after the baby comes home as the adoption timing isn't always as clear). But just asking for money in general on these GFM is a little iffy to me...and ESPECIALLY distasteful if they're presenting it as a "we're doing a good thing saving a baby so help us and donate". I wouldn't be donating to this one!

[lalasmama]

Go Fund Me pages tend to drive me nuts more often than not. Admittedly, that's because a childhood playmate of mine is using it to ask for money--$20k, I believe--to help "finance" her cancer treatments. But, she's on state health, and they pay 100% of her treatments, including medical transportation to and from, and her oral chemo, so I'm not really sure where the money is going. Yes, she's a single mother on disability, but that's 100% *not* related to her cancer.

Now, as far as the GFM for adoption expenses...

Our current pastor's family is fundraising to adopt a child from another country. I can't remember where. No GFM page. They are doing various fundraisers (garage sales, restaurant nights, etc) to get the $$$ for it.

A former congregant at our last church adopted a child from China, I believe, that had special needs. They had felt very led to adopt a child from a place where the child would have a tough life--so they adopted a medically fragile girl from China who would likely never be adopted there. They were continually asked what people could do for them, and they had always said, "Pray for the funding." When all was said and done, they were $5k short, I believe. They came in front of the congregation, explained their former two adoptions (bio sibs from somewhere in Asia, who were medically fragile), explained how they'd felt called to adopt a 3rd child, even how they had questioned if it was really the "right" thing to do considering their older two were now teens, and how they just couldn't get it out of their head despite asking for a clear "sign" of the foolishness of adopting a toddler while parenting teens. They now had the child matched, and they just needed the last bit of money to make it happen. Over the course of a year or two, they had been fundraising other ways (spaghetti feeds, ice cream socials, etc., at church), so it wasn't like they just came and asked for money, until that last little "blitz" for the final amount. The congregation was thrilled to be able to help them bring this little girl to her new home. (On a side note, we blew her mind when she found out my DD was adopted too. She hadn't met an adoptee who wasn't Asian! Still makes me giggle when I think of her amazement that adoption could be domestic or international, and that you didn't have to be Asian to be adopted)....

I'll admit I didn't ask anyone for any money in helping me adopt DD... but that's because I knew foster adoptions were usually inexpensive if there was an financial output at all, and that was what I needed to do to get DD (who was in the foster system when I met her).

I guess I understand people asking for help with adoption expenses, and I understand people wanting to help bring kids to their forever homes.

But GFM pages still rub me the wrong way.

[sste]

Definitely making assumptions. Adoption is extremely expensive, no matter what.

Sunnyside, we looked into this rather extensively with private domestic adoption. What the OP is describing--the couple asking for 30k initially and presumably they are going to throw in 5-10k themselves (so 35-40k) is a figure most commonly attached to a healthy, white infant adoption. Not to say it is ever cheap to adopt privately. But many, many agencies will directly or indirectly have much lower costs to adopt black, hispanic, and biracial babies. The agency we were considering did not have this but there were others I talked to that did - - sometimes it was due to a market negotiation where the white non drug/alcohol using mom could "negotiate" for much, much more in the way of support and payments during the pregnancy. Sometimes the fee difference is explicit. A friend of a friend of mine who adopted biracial twins that turned out looking white was told by her caseworker, "Look you got two [white] babies for the price of one" because the discount that was high. Another friend of a relatives who agreed to talk to me about the adoption process told me she went to an agency that was highly selective, only considered healthy white infants and "you know, it sounds terrible to say but you get what you pay for." Honestly I went into considering adoption very starry-eyed--and I know for a fact with friends there are absolutely wonderful adoption stories out there --but the deeper I got the more jaded I became.

Now obviously I don't know OP's friends but if one does not have 35-40k for private domestic adoption of a healthy white infant there are less expensive alternatives to be found including adopting kids of other races from certain ages, adopting older kids, and foster to adopt (risky in terms of losing the child but very affordable). International adoption I believe is more expensive on average so that would be off the table. All that said, I don't see why hitting up one's friends and relatives for HUGE sums of money has now become the "go-to" alternative for solving one's problems!! I am OK if the family truly needs the money and I do see having a child as a need not a want -- but not nec having a child of a certain race or status.

[icunurse]

I would just like to say that my last pregnancy cost us around $22k as it was very complicated. Between deductibles, co payments and hitting OOP max. We were tapped. Nevermind what it cost in other terms (lifelong health problems, care for our kids/house while I was out of commission, time off work for DH, etc). Of course, it's completely worth it and even with the complications I know I'm very lucky to conceive easily.

Just don't like when people ASSume that pregnancies and deliveries are always significantly cheaper just because someone has insurance. You never know what someone's situatuon is....

I loathe (healthy, white, infant) adoption fundraisers.

If your response was to me and I touched a nerve, I apologize. In general, pregnancies are covered and *almost always* less expensive. I have never met anyone IRL who spent more than a few thousand dollars OOP despite prematurity and hypo plastic heart. Very many paid minimal office co-pays during prenatal visits and that's it. But, yes, complications and/or inadequate insurance can make a small percentage of deliveries costly, too.

In response to other posts...ruling out foster care adoptions, typically all races except AA are on the same cost scale. Even AA adoptions are becoming a "norm" and agencies aren't having to search as hard for placement based on race. I imagine soon all races will be on the same scale (which I support). Special needs typically have reduced fees and support services. The image of "healthy, white, baby" isn't as clear cut as it seems. From an outsider, we might have one of those babies. From the inside, we accepted several risks (none of which I would have had if I had been pregnant), yet still "low" in the adoption world. However, I don't begrudge anyone to search for the child they are able to handle. If you want your family to match in color or feel that you can't handle medical needs or want to experience a newborn, I feel that you should have that possibility. So many things are already given up or haggled with in adoption (ok...so I can't be pregnant. Ok...so I can't give birth. Ok, so I will never have a child with my husbands eyes. Um, sure, no prenatal care is fine. Smoking the entire pregnancy? Ok, I guess. Drinking? Alcohol? Mental health issues? Product of rape or incest? - all this and more was typical in our adoption waits). People should only have a child that they feel fully prepared for. Well, as much as any new parent is prepared

[ray7694]

I am not a fan of those pages either and I see lots for adoptions. I just read on fb about a quad couple who someone was posing as to get money not to mention the page gets a percentage.

[tabegle]

I try not to judge and simply not donate. I would totally complain to my dh about the gofundme, but outside of that, I try try try not to say anything and just put my money where my mouth is. And my money isn't going there.

I've learned that I don't always know all the aspects of a situation that would make a situation more amenable to a donation, so for me... tight lips.

[megs4413]

If your response was to me and I touched a nerve, I apologize. In general, pregnancies are covered and *almost always* less expensive. I have never met anyone IRL who spent more than a few thousand dollars OOP despite prematurity and hypo plastic heart. Very many paid minimal office co-pays during prenatal visits and that's it. But, yes, complications and/or inadequate insurance can make a small percentage of deliveries costly, too.

)

Actually I wasn't originally responding to you, I hear this IRL a lot and it annoys me. "Insurance covers having a baby" is a gross oversimplification in some cases and in all cases a foolish assumption. The other major difference is that it's almost always impossible to know before attempting a pregnancy whether it will be complicated, so the cost is difficult to estimate. Whereas, it's my feeling that in the case of adoption, there is time to save money through one's own efforts beyond simply asking people for cash. I'm thinking soecifically of go fund me types of fundraising. There are many other options that don't bother me one iota.

[gatorsmom]

People can and do ask for money for all kinds of reasons that seem valid to them. If it seems valid to you, donate. If not, don't. I guess nothing surprises me anymore.

On another note, I hadn't heard of this gofundme site. I've always wanted to go to Bali. I think I might have found a way to fund that trip.....