Moms of 3 - dynamics among siblings

[Mopey]

I am only growing number two here, and I do not intend to have more than two but I am close to a mom of three and of four. It really seems to be age spacing - for example with the four they were very happy to have another boy but then the first and last are seven years apart. That means they will never be in the same part of school at the same time (out of college when still new to high school, etc) and they've expressed worry about that. Also the mom has already talked about the ways in which she doesn't have time for the third sibling now (who is still not potty trained when her sister was at her age) - she does seem to feel a bit guilty on top of happy. They are thrilled with all four and planned for that but it seems things are a bit trickier in some ways than they thought. With the three I know it is age and personality - and room sharing. I do personally think that sharing a room can be a great bonding tool for siblings and family snuggle time to keep everyone close. I read somewhere that the bond with your children and between siblings is best forged physically and by age two, if that helps. Anyway, just my .02 on what's been shared with me. As for the fertility....I am a bit in your shoes. I did not tell my sis about #2 for a while because of what happened when Mopey was on board (that I had not known about - her efforts, etc.). She was sad to know I had held off because of that but I'm glad she realized how hurt I was by her reaction the first time.....so it goes both ways. She was great about #2 and I think it helps that she is not ready for or thinking about having another baby yet (if she can and/or will). I don't think I'd change my plans because of that but I understand the complicated feelings when it's someone you love so much. Good luck to you!

[gatorsmom]

I have 4 who are all 2 years apart in age (except the youngest 2 are twins). My oldest 2 boys shared a room together before the twins arrived and often go to new activities together since they are relatively close in age. However, very often, the youngest three (DS2 and the twins) play together and leaved the oldest out. Most of the time he prefers it that way, but sometimes not so much. But now that they are getting older I'm starting to see similaries in personalities between the youngest twin and my oldest son. They are more introverted. And the girl twin and DS2 are very similar and play together really nicely.

Op, sorry if that was confusing but to answer your question if a 4th will round things out, honestly it depends on age gap between the kids and their personalities. You have a better chance of them all playing together and partnering up if the age gap is smaller, imo. Oh, and yes, it is very, VERY busy around here.

[Mikey0709]

HELLLLLL no to a 4th. I wish someone would leave ME out some of the time!!! Is that wrong?

3 Boys here - - someone gets left out once in awhile - but it's never the same person. 2 are daredevils so it leaves the middle one out, 1 is younger and he can get left out when it comes to age related stuff, and now the oldest has his own room which leaves him out of the bunk-bed shared room. Family dynamics..... but that would NEVER make me want to add another for that!

But don't get me wrong.... i would NEVER change our family. I think we're perfect the way we are. The most I would add right now MAYBE a pet..... MAYBE! But don't tell anyone.

[Kindra178]

I don't think adding a fourth would make someone not get left out. In our house, I can't say someone gets left out on purpose. Sometimes one of the boys wants to be by himself. It works out fine.

I think adding to a family for the sole purpose of making sure someone doesn't get left out is short sighted. You need to make sure you have the emotional AND financial resources to care for each family member.

[brittone2]

We have three, and they are all roughly three years apart. Yes, someone is often left out, but it rotates. The older two attend archery lessons together, so the little guy is left out. He likes it because he gets one on one time with me while DH takes the older two to their lessons. All three have their own homeschooling stuff, but the older two have some "shared" subjects like Latin, while DS2 doesn't participate in most of those yet. DD and DS2 like to play certain things together like dolls, whereas DS1 wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole. DS1 is a tween, so he's happy to be "left out" of lots of little kid stuff. He enjoys listening to music, retreating to his room, reading, etc. DS1 and DS2 like to do certain things together too. For example, DS1 will humor DS2 and play trucks with him for example, or they'll drive RC cars together. So yes, someone is often left out, but it isn't always the same child. All three enjoy playing certain things together. I would not add a fourth to our dynamic to lessen that, because there would likely still be someone "left out" depending on ages, interests, gender, etc. In our family, I feel like everyone has their own unique thing in a way too. Like DS1 is the oldest and enjoys that. His interests are morphing into more mature stuff (tween/teen) at the moment. DD is the only girl and is the only ballet dancer. DS2 is the baby and keeps everyone laughing with his antics. THey sometimes pair off but it isn't always the same mix of two and one.

I am one of five. My 3 of my 4 brothers are close, one is not close to the others or to me. My brothers have certain shared interests (fishing, etc.) that they do together and have for decades. Since I am significantly younger and only sister in the mix, yes, certain things are going to mean I'm "left out" even though I'm part of a large family. When I was a kid, for many years I was more of an only, so I was "left out" that way. As an adult, we have a very different relationship and I am pretty close with 3 of the 4. I'm not interested in fishing, other than taking our kids a few times a year to DH's grandmother's house where there is a pond, so they have that, kwim? Even if we were close in age, I would still be "left out" of certain things I don't share an interest in like they do.

I went through infertility issues, and while I think it is kind of you to be sensitive to your sister, I don't think you should not have a fourth for that reason. When someone tries to protect you too much, it can also be hurtful, sadly. I know that's complex to understand. IME, being exposed to the pregnancies of others can hurt, but it also hurts when people try to shield you, kwim?

Best of luck in your decision.

[AnnieW625]

I don't think adding a fourth would make someone not get left out. In our house, I can't say someone gets left out on purpose. Sometimes one of the boys wants to be by himself. It works out fine.

I think adding to a family for the sole purpose of making sure someone doesn't get left out is short sighted. You need to make sure you have the emotional AND financial resources to care for each family member.

I am the oldest of 3 and I agree with this as well. My brother is 2 yrs. 9 mos. younger than I am and my sister is 10 yrs., 2 weeks younger (her due date was my 10th birthday). I think until my sister was about 5 or 6 she felt left out because my brother and I were always doing a lot of the same things like band, swim lessons, tennis or golf lessons/putting w/grandma, spending a week with the grandparents and going on the plane w/out our parents (she did do this the first time when she was 7) because she was so much younger. My brother was (and still is an adult) a natural athlete so we did the same junior tennis program although I was 15 and he was 12 (he had been better than I was even though he started playing at 5, and I started at 8) but my sister was 5 and still was too young and my dad had just started teaching her. She never held that against us, but had way less interest in sports like tennis than my brother and I did so she never did the junior tennis program or played in high school like we did. Maybe she would have held more interest had she had a twin or a younger sibling, but overall she had no issues being the youngest. She also pretty much became an only child from age 11 on when my brother started college (I had moved away a few months before) and honestly that just gave her a different outlook on things than my brother or I ever had.

I will say that dd1's best friend is the fourth of four kids aged (15B, 14G, 11G, and 8G) and her mom is the first one to admit that she is often left out and or it is harder to schedule things for her because the older kids activities take up a lot of time. I can only imagine what it will be like when she has the eldest two in high school next year.

[KrisM]

It rotates here, too. More often, my oldest is the one left out, but he prefers it most times as he's doing his own thing.

The only time I wish we had another to even things out is at amusement parks. So many rides are 2-person seats, so one of us is alone. For a long time, it was DS1, as the others were too short to go without an adult. now, it's usually an adult, as DD and DS1 ride together.

[Simon]

We had the same thoughts as you before our 3rd was born, an even 4 would be better, but we're very content with our current 3 boys and not sure we want to rock the boat with another. At this point, we're more likely to foster or adopt later so the 4th would be a real caboose.
I can't say that one of ours is left out regularly, but maybe that's a factor of their current ages. My 3yo gets cranky when his brothers are doing imaginary play that is a bit above his level, so there is a developmental difference, but they don't actively exclude one another. They will usually incorporate him if he asks/squawks about it. We have more trouble with friends who visit and want to exclude because they are not used to involving everyone, so I know our dynamic doesn't exist in every family.

[sste]

We are pretty new to three like you but so far no issues! We have a big age gap and our oldest wants mostly adult attention so he could care less if he is being left out, my middle daughter loves everyone and she has a choice of siblings, and the baby is spaced so far behind that she is just adored by all of us. I guess I also see being "left out" by a sibling as a opportunity for more adult-child 1:1 time with that child. For me, while I would love four in a situation where one (or both!) of us didn't work out of the house and I could keep my same spacing . . . in our current situation I think adding another one would just make everyone left out, because dh and I would not have sufficient time for four kids with our schedules!

ETA: also not sure how old your youngest is but I was wondering this a lot the first 6 months or so, then it really simmered down for me and we just felt right as a family of 5. Not sure about your age and preferences but if can give yourself some time for this decision, take it!

[AustenFan]

As a mom of 4, we always planned on having a larger family, so it wasn't a matter of giving #3 a playmate, per se. DH and I were both oldest of three, and we did experience someone getting left out at times, and the second child having middle child syndrome, so maybe that subconsciously played into our decision to go for an even number? In our family, they all play well together, but #1 and #3 seem to be kindred spirits while #2 and #4 are always pals. My girls all play together nicely, and my oldest two homeschool together while my little girls play together, so really all the combos work well, but it really depends on the situation and activity as to who plays with whom. We love having four! I know it's basically the jump to "big family" territory out here where I live, so we do get some funny comments sometimes, but there is never a dull moment at our house, and I love it that way.

As far as having more children when siblings are struggling with infertility, I've been there with my SIL. I think you're right to be sensitive, but I know my brother and SIL wouldn't have wanted us not to have had our last two just because they were suffering infertility and miscarriage. We are very close, and they love my kids, and they know that we are praying for them to be able to have a healthy baby. I think I've been able to be supportive of their pain while also having a larger-than-average family myself. And sounds like you're wanting to be considerate--obviously you're not going to go around bragging about being a Fertile Myrtle or anything insensitive like that. I'd just say to be as open as possible with your sister as you work through decisions. Hugs to her!