Argh!

[Liziz]

So DH has a work conference in a fun vacation destination spot this October. We've known about it for over a year, and played around with the idea of leaving DD with grandparents and having me tag along. Well, I got pregnant, and now DD2 is due in July. I told DH that there's no way I'll be comfortable leaving a 3 month old (period, really, not to mention for a week) to go on this trip.

Well, WITHOUT talking to me about it, DH recently suggested to his parents that maybe they could come on this trip with us. His thinking was that I won't leave the baby, but if his parents come with us, then they can watch the kids whenever there's free time, so he and I can still go out.

First -- I'm super annoyed that he would "invite" his parents on a trip without talking to me.

Second -- I've told DH that I don't think it sounds like a fun trip to me. I get along with his parents, but do the best with them when we're on my home turf. When we're anywhere else, they try to "help" me parent DD (for example, jumping in to discipline DD in their own way, when I'm in the middle of already dealing with her (in a way they don't think is effective)) and it drives me insane. I can only imagine it would get worse since DH posed the trip as a "come to help with the kids". I'm fine with it when DH is around, because he can tell his parents to knock it off -- but this would be a trip where it's just me alone w/ his parents during the days while DH works.....um, no. I'm also trying to warn him that I don't think there would be as much "adult only" time as he's picturing....because I'll still be nursing DD2 frequently. And finally -- with DD, DH was adamant that his parents not babysit her until she was almost a year (he'd even have us send her to daycare on days they were visiting and we were both working) because he didn't feel comfortable leaving his parents with an infant. But now he's totally fine leaving them with an infant and an exceedingly challenging 3 year old in an unfamiliar setting?

Anyhow -- we talked about it tonight and while I told him we could reserve final judgement until after the baby's born and I have a sense of life w/ 2 kids (and how DH's parents "help", since they'll be coming when the baby's born), I don't really think it will be a trip I want to take. He's totally disappointed and I can tell his feelings are hurt because his perception is that I don't want to be around his parents and that I don't trust them with our kids, and he's disappointed to lose out on this nice trip we could have taken. I'm just bummed because I feel bad he's so disappointed and insulted feeling -- but there is no way I'm going to agree to a $$$ trip just to spend several days stressed out and frazzled, either.

Oh, and he totally also asked me if I'd consider the trip if it were my parents instead of his parents...which I would -- and I was honest with him -- which makes him more insulted that I don't want to go with his parents. And more frustrated, because he really wants the trip to work, but since he already "offered" it to his parents (again, w/o asking me first), he feels like we can't ask my parents instead....but yet he's upset I probably won't come. Maybe next time he'll talk to me before throwing out invitations....

Ugh. (Ok, sorry so long but I just needed to type it all out b/c I don't really want to say anything to anyone IRL about this type of thing...)

[PZMommy]

Ugh! I don't blame you. TBH I would not want to take a trip with a 3 month old. I think the stress involved would not be worth it.

[StantonHyde]

ITA with PP--a trip with a 3 month old and 3yo??? With people who stress you out even more? And you can't really drink???

um, thank you, but no.

[HannaAddict]

It's a work trip even if at a nice location and on resort work trips I've been on, it is still work - socializing with colleagues and sometimes their spouses but not a true vacation. I sure wouldn't want to spend the money to bring along his parents and it is extremely challenging to watch a nursing infant, let alone a three year old, and add that it is at a hotel and not the kids home and seems like a nightmare no matter who comes along. We took my nursing three month old to the school auction and stashed him with our granny nanny in a hotel room at the venue. I'd race up to nurse and back and he became very upset that I would leave. We survived a few hours but didn't work as well as planned. I would just tell him you will be sleep deprived, lactating and not in party mood. He should go and everyone should realize it was a nice idea but not workable in reality. I had to take several passes on fun location work trip but trying to go with those ages would be too hard even with an easy baby. Sorry!

[Liziz]

I agree w/ all of you! Thanks .... I think DH just has really selective memory about the significant attention a 3 month old needs.... (and while he shouldn't because we live it every day, our 3 year old needs quite a bit of attention herself, lol!)

[belovedgandp]

Um, no that doesn't sound relaxing at all. And I did go to WDW with a 3 YO and 3 month old.

I know you weren't looking for advice, but I'd consider having grandparents come for older DD and you and baby go on trip. Grandparents with older kids will be much easier on home turf with routine. Infants really are portable at that age. Once you've had three months of two kids, a week with just you and baby to chill, cuddle, sleep, take walks might be nice. You're not going to enjoy the social life of a conference like you would have kid-free, but it would still be relaxing to have solo time.

[Liziz]

Um, no that doesn't sound relaxing at all. And I did go to WDW with a 3 YO and 3 month old.

I know you weren't looking for advice, but I'd consider having grandparents come for older DD and you and baby go on trip. Grandparents with older kids will be much easier on home turf with routine. Infants really are portable at that age. Once you've had three months of two kids, a week with just you and baby to chill, cuddle, sleep, take walks might be nice. You're not going to enjoy the social life of a conference like you would have kid-free, but it would still be relaxing to have solo time.

I actually offered this option to DH (we've left DD with grandparents at both our house and theirs before and that works fine), but he's so hopeful for these true "kid-free" times on the trip, so he wasn't interested in that option. I have to love him for wanting to spend time with me so much, but I just think he's forgetting the reality of a small baby!

[jgenie]

I actually offered this option to DH (we've left DD with grandparents at both our house and theirs before and that works fine), but he's so hopeful for these true "kid-free" times on the trip, so he wasn't interested in that option. I have to love him for wanting to spend time with me so much, but I just think he's forgetting the reality of a small baby!

Can you split the kids? Leave DD with his parents at home and bring your mom to help with the baby?

[HannaAddict]

It isn't really kid free at all even with a sitter and a three month old! As you know!

[niccig]

ITA with PP--a trip with a 3 month old and 3yo??? With people who stress you out even more? And you can't really drink???

um, thank you, but no.

This. Your DH's idea of a "fun" trip sounds like torture to me. You can thank him for the good intentions, but the logistics are just too much right now. I'd shelve it for the next time he has a work trip.