Originally Posted by
Percycat
I am heartbroken and don't know what to do. [this post is hard to write because there are so many intertwined problems].
I have a super sweet, sensitive, loving boy 13 year old boy -- who lies.
For years, we have been struggling with responsibility and follow-through. He will tell us he did something, when he didn't. If he didn't do something, he will tell us he forgot or didn't know he had to do it. This happens with all types of things -- did you brush your teeth? do you have homework? did you clean your room? are you watching videos/playing a game on your computer..... When he lies or breaks rules about the use of technology, we typically take the item away for a period of time and he has to earn it back. Sometimes, he 'steals' it back without our knowledge and we find him using it when he does not have permission and has not done the things he needs to do. When asked a question, he will look downcast and mumble 'i forgot' and then a minute later (or unreasonably soon after our discussion of consequences) he will come up to me with a smile on his face and say 'hug?' and give me a hug..... and I am conflicted because I want to hug him, and yet I am so frustrated and disappointed and angry at him.
Recently, the "do you have homework?" has been a huge issue. He will tell me, my mom (whom he adores and sees every day after school) my husband -- everyone involved in his life -- that he doesn't have homework, when in fact he does. He is missing assignments and turning things in late because he will not do the assignments. Often these assignments are large assignments, but not necessarily. His grades are often 100 or docked because it is late or missing; as a result he is not getting the grades he should be able to achieve. We have given him planners and have asked the school for help, and the standard answer many teachers give us is that his "executive function" has not matured --- which is extremely frustrating to hear.... but this is another issue [my son is exceptionally gifted and the school has accelerated his education; he is generally in classes with kids at least a year older than him and goes to high school for math -- this wasn't a problem in grade school because of the self contained school environment, but maturity appears to be a huge problem now.]
One of the classes he is not doing as well as he should is English. Because of late or missing assignments, he has a C. One evening, he told us he could not do English homework because he was tired and needed to go to bed (early at 8:00). When my husband checked on him before going to bed himself, he found DS watching videos on his phone (which was supposed to be charging in the Kitchen). We took the phone away and told him he could not have it back until his English grade was at least a B.
We learned on Monday this week that he had a huge writing assignment/presentation due Tuesday (but was extended to Wednesday). We asked him on Monday what he planned to do, and he said he had it all figured out in his head. After lengthy discussion, he finally showed me the assignment and the grading rubric. The class is expected to do an argument presentation identifying the best mode of communication in the future in light of a technology scale. The students are to use the type of technology that best supports the argument.
HERE IS THE LIE THAT IS REALLY HURTING: He said he planned on arguing that communication by phone (talk, text, video, instant) would be the best form in the future. When I asked to see what he had prepared, he 'admitted' he hadn't written anything. He finally decided he needed to have slides he would display via his phone. I told him he had to write a detailed out line for the presentation and have a list of slides he planned to create before he went to bed. -- He worked for 3 hours and did this. I also contacted his case manager at the school to see if she could meet with him after school to help make sure the report was completed. I let him take his phone to school so he could work on the project.
When he came home from school, he had a presentation (good) about subliminal messages -- which did not seem related to the assignment objectives and was certainly not anything related to what he did the night before about phone communication.
He apparently was planning to do a report on subliminal messages --- and had spent time at school preparing this report and consulted with his English teacher-- and was NEVER planning on doing a report about the using phones as communication --- and lied to me about his topic and spent 3 hours working on a report he never planned to give just so he could get his phone back.
This is not immaturity or disorganization or misunderstanding. This is deliberate lying with significant action to perpetuate the lie.
It scares me.
I am seriously thinking about calling EAP -- or learning how to call EAP -- because I find myself crying about this. I keep thinking about if he will lie like this to people he loves who are trying to help him, what will he do with people or situations in which he doesn't care? I keep thinking about the book 'Defending Jacob' and I am afraid I don't know my son.
I don't know how to teach him to not lie.
What can I do?