Failed adoption match- Would you try again?

[magnoliaparadise]

Hi,
I have no advice, but just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm thinking of you and sending hugs.

[SASM]

Good morning...Couldn't read this without replying. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and sending HUGE hugs your way. You have some very sound advice. Please do not make any major decisions just yet while the feelings are so raw. HUGE HUGE hugs.

[jren]

Both of mine were adopted. With the first, when we had no children, I would've kept going despite any set backs. With the second, I was much more ready to give up when the going got tough. We were very happy with just our DD, and the ups and downs of the adoption process was starting to take a toll on our family. We had to think of the child we already had first. After much back and forth, we decided to email our consultant that we were done. When I went on my email, there happened to be one from her with a situation to consider. We decided to send just one more profile and that ended up being the one that brought DS into our family.

All this to say, it's perfectly normal to want to quit. Especially when you already have a great family with your one. We really could've been just as happy with staying a family of 3. Adoption is really hard, and sometimes harder than others. A mom in an online group I'm in just got news that the birthmom wants to parent, and the baby has been home with them for four months! Similar situation happened to my sister but baby had only been home with them for a few days. Luckily that situation isn't as common as moms changing their minds before placement. But your agency should've been clear that it does happen. I think in our first agency's case, it was about 15% of matches that fail prior to placement.

Give yourself some time to grieve before making any major decisions. We're obviously happy that we didn't pull out. My sister decided that they were done and are just as happy that they stayed a family of 3.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[lalasmama]

I've adopted once, and had 2 failed attempts. Well, kind of failed. Here's the long stories.

First time around, I was trying to adopt a specific child through the state system. It failed when I said, "I'm the mom adopting her, I'll decide who she can and can't see, thankyouverymuch!" Unbeknownst to me, birth parents had abused their older children, including knowingly allowing sexual abuse to continue, which was why I was being asked about potential contact. So, they said no to the placement after about a year of getting ready for her. I understand now. Of course, at the time, I was forlorn that it was never going to happen, I'd never get to adopt, "they took the baby from me" kind of attitude. Birth mom got her back after 15 months in foster care and, lo and behold, couldn't parent full time. She came to me to give her "breaks." Those breaks went from 2 afternoons a month to 2 weekends a month, and eventually Thursday through Monday every week. My mom died, and I wasn't able to care for the child for a month. DHS (child welfare) came in, removed her from her birth mom's home, and placed her foster care. 2.5 months later, as I was stable from losing mom, got my financial footing, and ready to be a parent, my first "failed adoption" child became my foster child. And almost 2 years ago, she became 100% MINE through adoption. Seven years of "when will the adoption go through?!" was a long wait, but, obviously, the end result was worth it!

When DD was 7, I got word her birth father had another child on the way, with a different woman, who didn't have custody of her kids. I hesitated for half a second. DD is a "meth baby" and she's smart, happy, and the only effect of the meth may (or may not) have been her ADHD. So, next baby had a similar prenatal exposure, and my pause came purely from concern about the child's potential functioning. We got off "easy" with DD's drug exposure, and I didn't want to tempt fate. We got word it was a girl, and they wanted baby placed with me. We got the house ready, found daycare, and otherwise prepared for the calm a special-needs, detoxing newborn would need. DD had heard someone saying "ornery" and thought it made a lovely name, so we jokingly referred to the upcoming arrival as Baby Ornery. Baby Ornery's expected due date came and went without a peep. I figured, " She's on drugs, probably got her dates wrong when she told child welfare." And then another month passed. I called DHS (child welfare). She had faked her pregnancy. Like faked her pregnancy confirmation letter from the doctor and the whole bit, fake "updates" to the child welfare worker, the whole flipping bit.

Two years ago, when we were at the courthouse to finalize DD's adoption, we ran into the woman. I've never seen color drain so fast, and boy did she hurry away in the other direction. Maybe she had a little shame about what she pulled.

Now, DH feels 100% done, and, while I don't, I'm respecting his feelings. And, honestly, between the number of miscarriages I have had, along with the Baby Ornery saga, I'm not sure I could mentally handle amother loss.

All that being said, like you, I wonder about the idea of "our" child being somewhere "out there" and if I'm failing by not looking.