Are You Kidding Me?

[lizzywednesday]

(OK, I will preface this by saying that I know my mother's intentions are for the best, but I really do NOT respond well to her full-court press attitude. Please keep in mind that my mother is even more socially awkward than I am, mostly because she's not really good at reading people, and wants to "fix" or "show support" in over-the-top ways. I am very thankful to have her, but right now I am annoyed with her and just need to vent a little bit.)

On Saturday, my sister's MIL-to-be threw a sprinkle for my sister's 3rd baby on the way (*squee* I'll have another niece next month!) and was gracious enough to invite me, our mom, and our sister-in-law.

While chatting, my mother pulled me aside with a big mysterious "can we step outside?" song and dance, telling me that she's worried about me because she's been where I am mental-health wise (actually, I think she's been a lot lower and a lot worse) and what kind of birth control am I using?

Um, NTNP. (Well, more like not having sex, but I'm also charting some things, per Taking Charge of Your Fertility, because I have a lot of physical issues on hormonal birth control.)

Could she send me St John's Wort?

Um, no. It gives me "tummy trouble."

So, take it with Tums. You'll get your calcium, then, too.

In the back of my head I'm screaming - tell her that it gives you bright green explosive diarrhea and makes you feel itchy and Tums is not the effing answer - but she doesn't back down. (This explains why I'm able to deal with people who other folks might describe as "bulldogs," I guess.) I am not willing to discuss this with my mother right now. Or ever, actually. All I wanted to do was have someone listen while I vented. But she's taken it upon herself to cure her "baby" - never mind that I've never asked her for any of this kind of help before and actually kind of distrust medication (even St John's Wort) because of her experience when I was a teenager.

Anyway, I told Mom I'd think about it, but I'm not really willing to consider the stuff. It makes me feel sick and the feeling doesn't let up. In addition, I don't recall if I felt emotionally well/healthy enough after having tried it in the past to make taking it again now worth the discomfort. Somehow the fact that I haven't considered it since tells me that it didn't do what I needed it to do, making the physical discomfort easier to manage.

I appreciate that she cares about me, but I find her outreach oppressive. We were not close when I was a child or a teenager, though I made an effort to maintain a relationship with her through college, but it wasn't a "typical" mother-daughter "bond." More like "I accept that my mother is an adult, capable of making her own decisions, and I respect her for not trying to 'mother' me while I figure my life out." It worked for us then and works for us now. I don't rely on her, mostly because part of me doesn't believe she will be around to be relied upon.

Maybe I'm being irrational, but I can only deal with one crisis at a time. I don't need sh*t from my mother.

This week's crisis is managing my cough and making a checklist of therapists to call (again) for DD. Maybe one of them will actually speak with me or call me back.

I don't know what I'll be able to manage next week.

[gatorsmom]

(OK, I will preface this by saying that I know my mother's intentions are for the best, but I really do NOT respond well to her full-court press attitude. Please keep in mind that my mother is even more socially awkward than I am, mostly because she's not really good at reading people, and wants to "fix" or "show support" in over-the-top ways. I am very thankful to have her, but right now I am annoyed with her and just need to vent a little bit.)

On Saturday, my sister's MIL-to-be threw a sprinkle for my sister's 3rd baby on the way (*squee* I'll have another niece next month!) and was gracious enough to invite me, our mom, and our sister-in-law.

While chatting, my mother pulled me aside with a big mysterious "can we step outside?" song and dance, telling me that she's worried about me because she's been where I am mental-health wise (actually, I think she's been a lot lower and a lot worse) and what kind of birth control am I using?

Um, NTNP. (Well, more like not having sex, but I'm also charting some things, per Taking Charge of Your Fertility, because I have a lot of physical issues on hormonal birth control.)

Could she send me St John's Wort?

Um, no. It gives me "tummy trouble."

So, take it with Tums. You'll get your calcium, then, too.

In the back of my head I'm screaming - tell her that it gives you bright green explosive diarrhea and makes you feel itchy and Tums is not the effing answer - but she doesn't back down. (This explains why I'm able to deal with people who other folks might describe as "bulldogs," I guess.) I am not willing to discuss this with my mother right now. Or ever, actually. All I wanted to do was have someone listen while I vented. But she's taken it upon herself to cure her "baby" - never mind that I've never asked her for any of this kind of help before and actually kind of distrust medication (even St John's Wort) because of her experience when I was a teenager.

Anyway, I told Mom I'd think about it, but I'm not really willing to consider the stuff. It makes me feel sick and the feeling doesn't let up. In addition, I don't recall if I felt emotionally well/healthy enough after having tried it in the past to make taking it again now worth the discomfort. Somehow the fact that I haven't considered it since tells me that it didn't do what I needed it to do, making the physical discomfort easier to manage.

I appreciate that she cares about me, but I find her outreach oppressive. We were not close when I was a child or a teenager, though I made an effort to maintain a relationship with her through college, but it wasn't a "typical" mother-daughter "bond." More like "I accept that my mother is an adult, capable of making her own decisions, and I respect her for not trying to 'mother' me while I figure my life out." It worked for us then and works for us now. I don't rely on her, mostly because part of me doesn't believe she will be around to be relied upon.

Maybe I'm being irrational, but I can only deal with one crisis at a time. I don't need sh*t from my mother.

This week's crisis is managing my cough and making a checklist of therapists to call (again) for DD. Maybe one of them will actually speak with me or call me back.

I don't know what I'll be able to manage next week.

I think you were really smart to tell her you would think about it rather than get into a discussion about it at the shower. Very well done. But I'm sorry that she annoyed you. 😡

I actually had the same problems you did this past Christmas season with family and friends recommending various ways to treat DS's ADHD. If I had been smart like you were I would have said, I'll look into that. Instead I went into a song and dance about how we have already tried various things and they never work, yada yada. Im going to take your approach next time.

[lizzywednesday]

I think you were really smart to tell her you would think about it rather than get into a discussion about it at the shower. Very well done. But I'm sorry that she annoyed you. 

I actually had the same problems you did this past Christmas season with family and friends recommending various ways to treat DS's ADHD. If I had been smart like you were I would have said, I'll look into that. Instead I went into a song and dance about how we have already tried various things and they never work, yada yada. Im going to take your approach next time.

It's hard to get into the mindset that you do NOT need to explain yourself or the decisions you make for your family, especially if you're getting annoyed or stressed by the people doing the commenting.

"I'll think about it" can totally be code for "OK then; pass the bean dip!"

What's wonderful about it is that it acknowledges the commenter's opinion graciously without you having to commit to following their advice one way or the other.

[Kestrel]

"That's between me and my doctor, thanks!"

I could not have been as polite as you!

[lizzywednesday]

"That's between me and my doctor, thanks!"

I could not have been as polite as you!

I have a lot of experience dealing with Mom's "I am a clinician" attitude. Being absolutely unembarrassed and straight-up about it is the best way to stop her. It also gives me time to plan what I'm going to say next.

If I had been rude, I would have had a very uncomfortable hour and a half until the party broke up. (The distance I had to drive wasn't worth my locating DD and going home early.)

[rkold]

You are seriously a better person than me, I lose my patience when people press me too hard about things I'm not interested in doing. >>; And yes, I've managed to get myself into uncomfortable positions from that. So I am very impressed.

[lizzywednesday]

You are seriously a better person than me, I lose my patience when people press me too hard about things I'm not interested in doing. >>; And yes, I've managed to get myself into uncomfortable positions from that. So I am very impressed.

Don't think my patience wasn't being tried quite a bit, and my body language resembled the 16-year-old who felt like she'd been abandoned by her mother, but, hey, I didn't get rude!

I've learned a thing or two in the intervening 22 years, I guess.