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  1. #11
    almostmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    It is so hard! My DD is only 10, but she has these issues. Never is anything her fault, always blaming others, and she can be so demanding, and upset, when there are consequences, or things don't go her way.

    My only advice is to stick with it. Don't get overly emotional yourself. Say it like it is, what a consequence is (though I wouldn't go so harsh on consequences, but do what you say you will), and how you expect her to act. And then stay calm.

    I was reminded of some of this just yesterday. DD had a make-up gymnastics class, that I thought was only an hour. When I went to pick her up, she came out to tell me it was 2, but she had a drum lesson in 45 minutes. I told her I would come back to get her, but she would need to leave 20 minutes early. When I did get her, she was furious, crying in the car, saying she didn't care about drums, only gymnastics, she didn't care about the money for the lesson, she wasn't going, etc. I stayed calm, drove her to the lesson and gave her her clothes to change in the car. She was so mad. I thought it might be her last drum lesson because she can be so hard headed. But I stuck to my guns, said I was sorry it worked out this way, but she had to go the lesson, that I would go in and tell the teacher she'd just be a few minutes late. She told me not to, that she wanted me to stay in the car with her. She very slowly started to get dressed. She was 5, 6, 7, minutes late. But I just sat there, breathing and trying to stay calm. I knew yelling at her was just going to make her more mad. When I did say something she said she was wiping her tears away so no one would see them. Then she stormed out of the car and told me not to come with her. Yet when I picked her up 20 minutes later, it was like picking up a different child. And she even apologized for how she had acted, which shocked me. I was amazed at how she bounced back, something she didn't used to do. Or maybe I didn't give her the chance because her tantrums were nasty and I gave in. But she does bounce back, and we have to trust that they can handle being told what is right, and how they need to behave. Even if their first reaction is scary and angry!

    I think what I'm trying to say is, just because they get angry and want their way, we can't give in. Ultimately they will appreciate that someday. But we also shouldn't make a big deal about things that are rational! This is how I expect to be talked to, or there will be consequences. And then walk away. Letting her vent and yell and get into it with you helps her case, not yours!

    That said, taking away a practice that affects others, and that makes her happy, imho, isn't the right consequence. It's not fair to the others. And doesn't help your case either, in terms of respecting the commitments she has made. But that's just my take.
    Liz

    DS 11/03
    DD 12/05

  2. #12
    rlu is offline Ruby level (4000+ posts)
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    I'm learning a lot from this thread. Thank you.
    DS Mar04, 8th grader. Life Scout. Being read Flash the Homeless Donkey.
    GoldPup (golden retriever born Dec14); Big Boy Dog (1997 - 2008); Little Girl Dog (1997 - 2005); two 10-yo (2007-2017) huge goldfish we can no longer find in MIL's fish pond
    Go Sharks! Go Mirai, Nathan, the Shib Sibs and Team USA
    Recently read The Hate U Give (highly recommend) and The Noel Diary (ok, light). Starting A Dog Named Boo.
    Pooh - "It's a beautiful day." Eeyore - "Not from where I'm sitting." Pooh - "Try standing next to me." From The Best Bear in All the World, Spring.

  3. #13
    zukeypur is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    I think that some children are harder than others. We have had a terrible time with DD (16) since day one. Everyone always says "just wait until your other girls get that age," but I don't see that yet. She was so much more difficult than they are at this age.

    With regards to your current problem, stick to your guns. That age was more difficult than 16 in terms of everyday nastiness, drama, and emotional outbursts. Now those outbursts are few and far between (thankfully!), but they still happen. That being said, she is currently grounded from everything, as she lied to me about where she was spending the night. Kids with cars and internet......it's a whole new world. I found out because I used "find my iPhone" on one of her other devices, and I looked at her iMessage on one of her devices that she left at home.

  4. #14
    daisysmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    I had a horrible relationship with my mother probably starting at the age you are dealing with. We were just combative. I am 46 now and we *still* engage in a negative way. OP, I can give you no advice except to say that you need to find a way to get back to something peaceful with her. I think therapy is next. I really liked the Getting to Calm book and I use it with my DD (who is just 9) and I find that things really are improved when I don't engage in the negativity. But you have tried that, you read that book. Time to find a Plan B. I am not sure if my mother regrets not fixing what happened between us or not, but I have regrets now about it.

  5. #15
    bisous is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by 123LuckyMom View Post
    Rather than trying to make her admit she's wrong, have you tried a compassionate approach? I know it's counterintuitive, because the impulse when you're greeted with such disrespect is to clamp down and be strict, but if you want results, a different approach might actually work better. I'd find a time when things are going well and I'd sit down with her. I'd tell her up front that you're not going to criticize her, but you do want to talk about how you've been feeling lately. I'd tell her how much you love her, how proud you are of her, and how excited you are to see her growing into a smart, capable, strong young woman. Tell her it's because you love her so much that you've been really upset lately. Tell her your feelings are really hurt because when she speaks to you like she doesn't care about your feelings or like she doesn't even like you, it breaks your heart just a little. Tell her you've been punishing her because you just don't know what else to do to get her to be kind to you, or at least not to be hurtful. Tell her you don't really want to punish her. You just want her to be a member of your family team just like she's a member of her soccer team. The family only works when each member supports the whole team, and when each member supports the others so that they can achieve their goals. You want to help her achieve her goals, but you need her to want to help you, too. Ask her if she has any suggestions about how you can best respond to her when you feel like she's not being a team player to inspire her to be supportive. See what she has to say. If she responds to you with snark, it's completely fine to let her know that you're going to continue to do what you've been doing as long as you and she together are unable to find a way to work as a team, but that you know it can be different, because you know she's a kind and loving person. Keep trying to have conversations like that. It might help.

    Also, try reading How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060741260..._XwuVwb1DKK41M
    I haven't actually read it. I've only read the kids one, but that one was so helpful that I can't imagine this one wouldn't be good, too.


    Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains mobile app
    This kind of approach still works well for my 12yo but he's a boy. Honestly, it would have worked really well for ME as well. My preteen years were tough on me. The social issues were stressful and I went through a period of time when I just didn't know if I liked myself. I would lash out at my family and then get punished and feel worse. If someone had sat me down and talked kindly to me I think it would have been enough to get me to act differently and to have more peace. I'm really not sure if this will work for everyone. DS1 and I have really similar, people pleasing personalities so knowing that my family is asking sweetly for my help WORKS for that personality but might not for others.

    I also think that communications become patterns and when I see that in my family I try to shut it down and change it. I figure if we never let it in, it won't get out of control. DS2, DS3 and DD all have different personalities which has taught me that different approaches are sometimes warranted but I'd at least start with a gentle approach and see if it works!

  6. #16
    bisous is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Also, just reading the last part of your posts, I find that if I've let something slip and I need to make a course correction in my family, I start by communicating SUPER CLEARLY what needs to change and the new standard. Then give a little grace. Then enforce with vengeance! I don't have any problem with strict punishments but I really think they are most effective if used with calm demeanor (which it sounds like you're working on) and a lot of grace.

  7. #17
    hellokitty is online now Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    If she's being nasty via text, first thing I'd do is take away her phone.

    Sent from my SM-N910P using Tapatalk
    Mom to 3 LEGO Maniacs

  8. #18
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    We're starting to deal with this with DS who is 11. I need to get some of the books suggested. I've been trying to nip things in the bud as soon as DS starts in with the nasty attitude and to not relent. We were getting coffee and when I asked if he wanted a pastry I got a nasty comment about how there wasn't anything left that he wanted...then he saw something he did want, but I told him it was too late, he's nasty response meant he was getting nothing. He told me he was hungry and I told him too bad he would have to wait until we got home AND he would be getting his own food. If he can't be polite, he gets nada.

    It's going to be some long years ahead - friends had their eldest go off to college last August and they said his first visit home, he was so glad to see them and they heard him telling their younger sons they don't know how good they have it at home.

  9. #19
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    My DD is younger and has been doing this, but I think a LOT of it is to do with her underlying anxiety issue. It's a big of contention between my DH and I, in fact we just started family therapy about it. She has always been able to hold it together during school, but falls apart at home. She's good with kids she sort of knows, but tends to be rather bossy/not nice to close friends at times. But as one therapist explained it her anxiety makes her feel out of control, so she tries to exert control around the people she feels the safest with because she's pretty sure we still love her. It is rough. I'm not saying you have to take it lying down. But looking at the cause can help track down the triggers. Its pretty basic reaction to lash out at the people closest to you when you don't feel good about yourself. Which is why yelling at her or taking things away are not going to help the situation. Ask her if something is bothering her? Is she anxious about a social situation? Does she feel like she NEEDS to go to some event for some reason, if so why? Does she feel like some friend just turned mean? There are a lot of books out their aimed at girls to help through these feelings.

  10. #20
    bigsis is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I don't think you're being too harsh on her. I expect to be treated with respect as well. If I get a nasty text demanding to pick them up, I might be 10 minutes late. Happens again? 20 minutes late. That's eternity to these kids, and to the mom enforcing it.

    I'm in the middle of this too. My DD just told me she needs new pants and I told her she's going to have to earn it since she's been unkind. I told her my natural inclination is to be unkind, but I watch my own tone and words when I talk to them. I expect her and DS to do the same.

    to everyone! Good luck to all of us!
    Lea

    Mom to:
    DD 8/2003
    DS 11/2005

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