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  1. #11
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    My Dad is 70 and has congestive heart failure (can't do surgery) and recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. My mum is 68 and her health is good, though she's always been a smoker and I'm expecting that to catch up with her. They live overseas and thankfully Dad has good access to healthcare. Dad sees an OT, PT and SLP for rehab for the Parkinson's Disease and both he and mum seem to be dealing with the diagnosis better and are making changes to lifestyle to accommodate what Dad can no longer do. Mum struggled initially as she kept expecting Dad to be able to do what he used to do, she's more accepting now. She's the task master for Dad to do all his rehab homework, and Dad lets her tell him what to do. I struggle with being so far away and feeling like I can't help - I could help with his speech and swallowing issues - my role seems to be talking to both of them. They've told me things they haven't told the other or my sisters, and I've encouraged changes they need to make but weren't willing to do yet. My aunt lives part of the year with my parents and she's still in good health. She can be annoying, but she does help a great deal and I can't see Mum keeping up the large house/yard without her help now that Dad can't do as much. I can't see Mum leaving the house even after Dad dies, so I'm not sure what will happen long term. Both my sisters live overseas too, so we're kinda screwed with how much help we can give.

    FIL (76) has had several health issues over the years (cardiac, tremors) and was just diagnosed with a neurological condition that affects his autonomic systems and life expectancy is only a few years. MIL and FIL were both nurses, and MIL is well placed to help FIL, but the question will be if he'll accept the help - he can be very ornery and grumpy. SIL lives about 20 minutes away and will help out too. DH is going to get back to see his Dad more often. He's also struggling with living so far away and not being able to help with day to day things. MIL is still in good health at 73, and they downsized to a smaller condo a few years back, so we can see her staying on there. She won't leave while SIL still lives in the area and she has friends there.

    Both sets of parents are financially secure at the moment, so we haven't needed to help out financially. As both our fathers have progressive neurological diseases, we need to see them as much as we can while they can still be engaged and interact with us and DS, so all our vacation time will be to see family.

  2. #12
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    My dad is the biggest "problem" in terms of health and care. The problem lies in that he tells me very little. He is 77 and has been an heavy smoker since he was 16. Despite having a COPD diagnosis, he continues to smoke. My mom died from cancer 15 years ago. I am an only child and my father has no other living relatives and very few friends. He lives 30 minutes from me. We have a strained relationship mostly due to lack of communication skills on my dad's part and his inability to relate to me or my children. I was very close to my mom and her passing has created a space between my dad and I instead of drawing us closer. It's hard to explain without writing a book lol.

    I suspect he's at the end stages of COPD but he is extremely private and doesn't say much. He is not on oxygen but sees a pulmonologist and cardiologist. He has difficulty just walking from his car into my house and clearly needs to sit and catch his breath for a few minutes. He uses a rescue inhaler frequently. I am very frightened for him - he doesn't have much will to live, honestly, so he doesn't make the best patient. My husband says that I need to check on him more often, but I struggle with that for 2 reasons: (1) I really don't like my father and don't want to spend time with him 1-on-1 and I suspect the feeling is mutual (2) it would be so awkward for me to suddenly call him every other day out of the blue - he is very private as well. I dread his death because I imagine having to go into his home and finding him...

    Luckily my IL's area in great shape. They have their minor health issues and my FIL is 82 but MIL (65) is in better shape than I am! She will do 2 back to back classes at the gym regularly and still works full time. She will be the primary caretaker of my FIL should he need it. FIL remains pretty active as well. His only problem is that he occasionally overdoes things and then pays the price. He has had both hips replaced but is otherwise physically fine. Both are mentally great and very easy to deal with. Great communicators too. We live down the street from them and see them daily.
    Karen
    -----------
    Mom to 2 hockey-playing, Lego-loving boys DS1 2003 & DS2 2005

  3. #13
    Percycat is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Wow. I'm glad to see this forum --- I am amazed and thrilled that Denise and Alan are so responsive to our requests and allow BabyBargains forums to grow with its members -- first with a forum for older kids and now a forum for elder care. Thank you!

    DH and I were initiated into caring for others this past year. DH became the legal guardian for his older brother (49) whose physical and mental conditions prevent him from being able to live independently. DH has done a fantastic job learning all about the different programs and services available for people with BIL's disabilities and all of the requirements to get BIL accepted into these programs. Until last summer, BIL lived with FIL. DH was able to place him in a fantastic state-funded, semi-independent home setting a few miles from our house with 24 hours, full time support staff. The program provides transportation to work, educational benefits, social programs and individual living plans which encourage residents to live as independently as possible and provides supports where needed. BIL has significantly more control over his life, has appropriate safety nets in place, and is thriving. Plus, he lives only a few miles from our home making it easier for DH to provide support and for us to include BIL in family activities.

    Also this summer, DH provided a lot of support to FIL. Both FIL (76) and SMIL (73) have had health issues requiring hospitalizations this past year. FIL is also showing signs of dementia, which complicates all matters and adds stress to SMIL. Last Fall, FIL and SMIL moved to FL. The sale of the local home and all its contents, the move to FL, and outstanding debt added significant stress and complexity to FIL's tenuous finances. DH did a wonderful job gracefully helping FIL navigate all of these transitions. FIL and SMIL are now established in FL (3 months). DH occasionally provides some support, but really the distance prevents us from being able to provide significant support. Both FIL and SMIL have been hospitalized since their move. I'm not sure how long they will be able to live independently -- physically and financially. I also don't know how involved we will be in making those decisions or helping with any future transitions.

    MIL (73) lives a few miles from us. She regularly has health concerns that require medical attention and occasional hospitalization. SIL is very close to MIL (73) and is most involved in providing support. SIL and MIL used to travel extensively. Unfortunately due to MIL's declining health, they have been unable to travel for the past couple years. MIL is still very active locally. Her mom lived into her 90s and did not have dementia until the last couple years, so I expect MIL will be independent for many years. MIL is financially responsible, has assets and a financial plan, and should be able to meet her needs and wants for a long time.

    My parents live a few houses from me. Both are very active and have an insane travel schedule. They just recently returned from a 12 visit to Patagonia -- this was the first time I really noticed travel being stressful. While on this trip, they cancelled a Baltic cruise they had scheduled in June -- wanting to spend more time at home. My dad (72) has just completed treatment for a very aggressive form of prostate cancer. He has had two post-op PSA tests with extremely low numbers --- which is great news. My dad had been learning Spanish -- but when he was diagnosed, decided it was a waste of time to learn a new language. After his most recent PSA test, he decided to start learning again. : ) My mom (68) has heart and blood pressure issues. She gets out of breath easily -- sometimes unpredictably. I'm not sure how well the doctors are at managing her condition and I'm not sure how good a patient my mother is. She is the type of person who won't tell you she has a problem. I imagine it is very difficult for doctors to provide her care if she doesn't let them know about problems. I personally always see her as a strong person, so I am often naive about my mother's health. My parents are financially conservative and have prepared well for their future.

    My parents were both care givers for their mothers, who died within the last 12 years. I was blessed to live near my parents and grandparents during this time and observed my parents and assisted in the care given to my grandmothers. I hope I am as caring and supportive as they were.

    I am thankful we have this place to support, share with, and learn from each other.

  4. #14
    pharmjenn is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    I haven't had to worry about any of this acutely until 2 weeks ago when my 84yo father had a massive heart attack. He was previously healthy (well, he won't go to the doctor, so nothing was known) except for increasing blindness. He lives alone in a 4 story house, and has made his wishes clear that he wants to remain in his house even if he needs a bed in the living room.
    He had a heart cath and stent placement, with a diagnosis of heart failure and heart arrhythmia for which he now has to take 5 medications daily. Dad lives in Virginia, with 2 of my siblings nearby. I am in CA, and our last sister in Oregon. I spent last week with him, in the bitter cold so he won't go outside except to doctor appointments. My local siblings both work full time and can't take too much more time off. Dad isn't cooking, isn't cleaning (dishes etc, he keeps himself clean) and refuses to allow a helper/cleaning person in (although he knows we bring in cleaners a couple times a year when he was travelling)
    Since he still in fully oriented, we can't do anything legally to change his situation. We are hoping if the cardiologist tells him he is not allowed to do laundry, worry about cooking etc, then he will allow us to bring in a "helper" to do these things for him.
    mom to Billy 12/07

  5. #15
    94bruin is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    My mom is in her 70s, my dad his early 80s. They are both in relative good health. The lived with us for a few years when they first moved to California. They have since moved one town away (10-15 min drive depending on traffic.)

    My mom helps with my girls, which is a godsend. She's just a meddling mom, which is something I've lived with all my life, so nothing new. Now it's advice on how we should eat healthier, eat certain vitamins, etc. What the girls should be doing, etc.

    My Dad's main issue is his hearing loss and slowing of his reflexes. When they first moved to California, it was apparent that he really should give up driving, or at least reduce it. Mom kept saying things like "you're just not used to it." In any case, the rule is that he cannot drive my kids around. For the most part, they listen to that rule. He also only drives during the day. My mom does do the bulk of the driving, even though she hates it.

    What I'm trying to do now is to help them set up a trust (DH is really on me about this as my parents are older than his mom, though in better health.) I'm also trying to help them figure out their final plans. For all of my life, my mom has said that she doesn't want any heroic actions taken on her part, wants to just die when it's time. I get it, but I'm trying to have her realize there are nuances to this desire. She's also adamant about being cremated and is trying to decide what she wants done with her ashes.

    My brother lives in the Bay Area, so I can lean on him for help.

    As for MIL (dear FIL passed away right before we were married), she's something else. I've asked the board for help previously with her. She's a thorn in DH's side. She lives in her own home about 30 mins away from us. About 2 summers ago, she fainted, drove herself to the hospital(!) and was admitted. She eventually had a pacemaker placed. While she was in the hospital, DH went through her PILES of unopened mail and discovered that she had failed to pay taxes for almost 10 years! OMG! It's a mess that DH is still trying to dig her out of. They are in the final stages of clearing up the mess, just waiting on the IRS at this point. She also made some huge investment mistakes during that time that cost her a lot of money.

    She eats horribly and doesn't take good care of her health. She also is horrible with money. Luckily, the IRS fiasco is making her realize that she needs to cede some control to DH. For a few years after FILS's death, DH help with finances. However, she eventually pushed him away, saying that she could do it all.

    I have made it clear that in no circumstances will I allow her to live with us. I told her that she will just have to go to Chicago to live with her precious 1st born son (yes, she plays favorites.) Oh, and does BIL help? Nope, it's DH that does all the work.
    DD1 2005
    DD2 2009

  6. #16
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    My dad and stepmom are in their mid 70s, on their own (within an hour drive from me), working towards preparing to move to some kind of 55+, and dealing with some health issues (joint replacements, Stage 0 breast cancer) but overall doing well.

    My in-laws are in their late 70s, on their own (within an hour from me), and with numerous health issues (Parkinson's, severe depression, macular degeneration, fused neck/back). I am minimally involved for a number of reasons.

    I was my mom's care provider as she battled a rare form of uterine cancer. I commuted many hours each way caring for her and eventually moved home to provide care. She has since passed and I am still here for a number of reasons, including remaining closer in distance to all the other parental units.

  7. #17
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Both of my parents are dead. I talked about a lot of my challenges with my dad here while it was going on. I'm not sure if I should be greatrul or not but neither of my parents ended up needing serious care. My dad was living with chemo and doing well. He was still living alone, working part time and traveling with friends regularly. He died in his sleep. My mom was diagnosed with metastasized cancer and decided not to fight it the second time she had it. She was still traveling with my dad until about 6weeks before she died. She was only bedridden for 3 weeks. My dad took care of her at the time.

    Now my ILS are starting to struggle with their health. My MIL has a number of health issues but her biggest problem is that she is a full-blown alcoholic and completely in denial. They hang out with and travel with a big group of other retired alcoholics. FIL can control his drinking but she can't and she is always feeling poorly (or more likely hung over and dehydrated). We live on the other side of the country from them and don't see them much. DH's siblings live much closer (all within driving distance) and yet they want us to stage an intervention. I'm mainly staying out of it and leaving it to Dh and his sibs to figure out.

    What fascinates me about them is that my DH was the problem child growing up. He was always in trouble (I'm pretty sure he had ADHD) and all my ILS friends and DH's cousins say he was always causing problems. I think my FIL honestly didn't like his son, even into adulthood. Now the tables have totally turned. Dh is wildly successful, far surpassed his siblings and even his successful father with his career. He's also become a caring father and well-rounded person. My ILs have been forced to begrudgingly admit that Dh makes much better decisions with his life and that they should listen to his opinions, especially when it comes to thoughts on their future welfare.

    I I have a couple of elderly aunts that have outlived their retirement funds who are healthy and being taken care of by their children that I send money too. I know my cousins don't have the money to support their elderly parents so I'm happy to help. I'd be happy to have one of the local aunts move in with us(we certainly have the room and my kids are at an easy age), but I don think my aunt wants to leave the house she has been living in for 50 years.
    Last edited by gatorsmom; 02-28-2016 at 01:18 PM.
    " I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." Mahatma Gandhi

    "This is the ultimate weakness of violence: It multiplies evil and violence in the universe. It doesn't solve any problems." Martin Luther King, Jr.

  8. #18
    maestramommy's Avatar
    maestramommy is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    My mom is 72, my dad is 84. Dad has mid to late stage Alzheimer's, so last fall they sold their home and moved in with us. We are a little over halfway into a trial period of a year. So far it's going well, but it's really giving the entire family, kids included, a close up view to this disease. The plan is for Dad to stay home until his care becomes unsustainable for Mom (with our support), or he is in need of nursing care.

    I started blogging about our journey to keep friends and family updated on Dad's condition and also to help me process :P. See link in my siggy if you're interested. I just saw that there is a forum here for elder care so I'll be checking in more often.
    Melinda
    Mommy to
    The Gift 10/01/05
    Elfgirl 5/25/07
    Sparky 6/27/09

    "Sunset to Twilight, Our Family's Journey with Alzheimer's." http://maestramommi.blogspot.com/




  9. #19
    o_mom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by maestramommy View Post
    My mom is 72, my dad is 84. Dad has mid to late stage Alzheimer's, so last fall they sold their home and moved in with us. We are a little over halfway into a trial period of a year. So far it's going well, but it's really giving the entire family, kids included, a close up view to this disease. The plan is for Dad to stay home until his care becomes unsustainable for Mom (with our support), or he is in need of nursing care.

    I started blogging about our journey to keep friends and family updated on Dad's condition and also to help me process :P. See link in my siggy if you're interested. I just saw that there is a forum here for elder care so I'll be checking in more often.
    Thank you so much for the blog! It is such a hard journey and it helps to see other perspectives.
    Mama to three boys ('03, '05, '07)

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