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  1. #21
    jren is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Default Do your parents and ILs have a plan for their eldercare?

    My mom has gone to great lengths to plan for her eventual incapacitation, even though she is completely healthy and may never need nursing home care. It's her worse fear. She has me on her bank account so I can access funds. She's given me POA and also gone above a typical DNR to spell out exactly what she won't allow (no feeding tubes, nothing). DNR is not enough to ensure you will not be forced to live out your life in a vegetative state.



    I doubt my in-laws have any plan for sudden disability. They will likely enter a local retirement home where you have to give them all your assets since that's what most people do there.
    Last edited by jren; 04-22-2016 at 01:38 PM.

  2. #22
    JBaxter's Avatar
    JBaxter is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    My inlaws do. They have some type of nursing home insurance plan. My mom is financially stable but neither my sister / brother or I would allow her to go to a nursing home for any reason.
    Jeana, Momma to 4 fantastic sons

    Everything happens for a reason, sometimes the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions

  3. #23
    Twoboos is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Both my parents passed away in 2008. We had all the health care and legal POAs before then.

    MIL is still living on her own and should be able to continue to do so for a long time, IMO. She also has some nursing home insurance plan, although the rates are going up either this year or next. She has seen what it's like to have her mother in assisted living so knows this is best as she lives far from us and SIL.

    FIL... who knows. He's an odd duck. I doubt DH has discussed it with him.
    "Every mother needs a wife." - Amy Poehler, Yes Please

  4. #24
    gatorsmom is online now Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I'm watching some cousins struggle with this stuff right now. My 96yo great aunt (my late grandfather's baby sister) fell down in the middle of the night while making her way to the bathroom. She broke her pelvis, collarbone and needed stitches in her forehead. Then while at the hospital she was diagnosed with pneumonia. Her mind is still sharp and she has an incredible memory. I have never talked to her about end-of life stuff because she has 4 very concerned children who are very loving and active in her life. But apparently she never named POA and didn't complete her DNR paperwork and the kids can't agree. To their credit you couldn't tell by being around them that they were fighting but one of the kids made it clear. This "kid" is my great aunt's 70 yo daughter Ellie who is an urgent care doctor and lives on the other side of the country. Never married and had no kids. When I called her to ask how her mom was she told me that she doesn't expect her mom to leave the hospital. She said the physical therapist came in to work with her mom and she shewed her away saying her mom lived long enough and there aren't enough resourced on the earth to support everyone as it is. Her mother should be made very comfortable and let it naturally progress to the end. And then she went on to tell me how her siblings have different ideas and are sleeping over night in their mom's room to put ideas into her head. Apparently Ellie's siblings got their way because yesterday my aunt was moved back to her nursing home into a more advanced care section and they were starting physical therapy. My aunt seemed to enjoy visiting with me and kept her hand very tightly around mine so I stayed with her a long time. I could tell her other 3 kids weren't ready to let her go (and frankly she didn't seem ready either!). Maybe it's because they live locally and spend a lot of time with her. But it must be frustrating to everyone involved to argue about something so serious and with the potential to destroy family relationships. My aunt needs to name a POA. I think because her mind is so clear and sharp she doesn't want anyone making decisions for her. Maybe she doesn't trust her kids. I don't know. But it's really a mess.
    "It is not 'progressive' to try to resolve problems by eliminating a human life." Pope Francis

  5. #25
    94bruin is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    After several years about telling my parents to get a trust/will/dpoa, etc done, we finally met with a lawyer yesterday. They were going to do it via software, but I convinced them that it would be better done through a lawyer. Considering the questions my dad asked, I'm glad they agreed to meet with a lawyer.

    However, in terms of wishes, my mom has always been very clear that she doesn't want any heroic measures taken. Actually, our/their health plan (Kaiser Permanente) has a great form that is generally lauded in medical circles. They already had that filled out, so at least the hospital has that on file. We have notarized forms for those already.
    DD1 2005
    DD2 2009

  6. #26
    lizzywednesday is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    My mother is more inclined than my father to do this kind of planning, but my stepfather is not. (In fact, after their over 20 years together and 16 years of marriage, he's still resistant to even do a quickie will, and this is AFTER seeing his children tear themselves apart over their mother's estate. She died, suddenly, shortly before his youngest son got married, and she was intestate. The disposal and management of the estate was so contentious among the children AND their father that two of them no longer speak to each other ... and one is currently not speaking to my stepfather.)

    My father reminds me that he's got nothing to his name so he doesn't need a will. He's disinclined to consider the healthcare stuff as well, despite going through heck with Nana over her end-of-life care. I suspect that he expects my siblings and I to take care of everything when the time comes and I'm not looking forward to it. (Dad is going on 64 and in less than stellar health; Mom is going on 62 and quite fit, though she has arthritis, scoliosis, and has had hip & knee surgery; stepfather is 74 and in generally good health, though he's a cancer survivor with a recently detected recurrence. Dad is also remarried; stepmother is in her 50s.)
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  7. #27
    citymama is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Shudder. No. And they're all in their 70s (knock on wood, in good health). I worry about my ILs bc they live in the country quite isolated from a community. I worry about my parents because my sister and I live so far away from them.

    for Sandy Hook



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