Do your parents and ILs have a plan for their eldercare?

[specialp]

Both of our parents have taken care of their parents through moving in, eventual nursing home in the final weeks, and death and the tough financial and medical decisions that come up with that. I know my side has everything taken care of, we've been over the paperwork, LTC ins., and had discussions on scenarios, etc. It was an easy discussion for us because we witnessed the bad of not doing it. I do not know about ILs, but I seriously doubt it. They are smart people who have BTDT, but they procrastinate. They are in good health now.

[NCGrandma]

I'm not really the target audience for this thread, but I do have some perspective on it. Over 20 years ago, my parents moved to a continuing care retirement community so neither they nor I (only-child) had to make decisions on an urgent basis. They spent over 8 active years in an independent apartment, then were able to move together to an assisted living apartment on the same campus when my mother began to develop dementia. For the last 6 months of their lives, they lived together in the nursing care part of campus. (They died 2 days apart in September 2001, a week before 9/11... bad time for my family.)

My family and I were impressed by how seamless a good CCRC made the process of moving from independence to needing more help. With that experience, I got on the waiting list after they died and moved into the same CCRC as soon as I was old enough to qualify (65), even though I was still working. I've been very happy, and my family feels much less of the kind of pressure some PPs describe.


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[niccig]

I'm not really the target audience for this thread, but I do have some perspective on it. Over 20 years ago, my parents moved to a continuing care retirement community so neither they nor I (only-child) had to make decisions on an urgent basis. They spent over 8 active years in an independent apartment, then were able to move together to an assisted living apartment on the same campus when my mother began to develop dementia. For the last 6 months of their lives, they lived together in the nursing care part of campus. (They died 2 days apart in September 2001, a week before 9/11... bad time for my family.)

My family and I were impressed by how seamless a good CCRC made the process of moving from independence to needing more help. With that experience, I got on the waiting list after they died and moved into the same CCRC as soon as I was old enough to qualify (65), even though I was still working. I've been very happy, and my family feels much less of the kind of pressure some PPs describe.


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A friend's mother did this and he's commented that it's made the process so less stressful. I plan to do the same. I think the chance of us living near DS is pretty slim, and it will mean less worry for him.

[legaleagle]

Just a note on Powers of Attorney - it's so important they're signed before something happens. Once a person is seriously disabled, they may no longer be competent and then you have to go through guardianship proceedings which are 1) very expensive 2) can be quite lengthy 3) not infrequently contenious and 4) are usually open public record so everyone and their brother can read about it if they want. That said, it's highly unusual that someone that has a professionally done will does not also have powers of attorney, they are generally a package deal.

On a more personal note, both sets of parents are divorced, only my mom and father are remarried. My mom & stepfather are both in good health, plenty of money, as is my FIL (state pension). My siblings and I are currently not speaking to my father - he's having some kind of dementia issues that lead to him being super paranoid and saying horrible unforgivable things to my sister so we've all pretty much communicating. In the midst of this he abruptly married his girlfriend which is good - now we don't have any residual issues with not intervening when the time comes. MIL has become a shut-in since she retired 3 years ago (also has state pension + SS so doing ok financially for now) and AFAIK has not been to the doctor since despite having some health issues. DH is not at all close to his family and his brother lives near his mom so he gets the brunt of dealing with her weirdness.

[NCGrandma]

Just a note on Powers of Attorney - it's so important they're signed before something happens. Once a person is seriously disabled, they may no longer be competent and then you have to go through guardianship proceedings which are 1) very expensive 2) can be quite lengthy 3) not infrequently contenious and 4) are usually open public record so everyone and their brother can read about it if they want. That said, it's highly unusual that someone that has a professionally done will does not also have powers of attorney, they are generally a package deal. to .

Definitely, but a couple additional caveats, based on my experience dealing with my parents' stuff and setting up my own paperwork:
1. Some financial institutions rejected a perfectly good POA because it was not on their special forms. At that point, I had the choice of having my mother with dementia sign new bank forms or enlisting their attorney to try to fight it...
2. Sometimes, state laws change in ways that make it prudent to re-do the POA forms. My attorney recommended this a few years ago, while we were updating some other stuff.


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[legaleagle]

Definitely, but a couple additional caveats, based on my experience dealing with my parents' stuff and setting up my own paperwork:
1. Some financial institutions rejected a perfectly good POA because it was not on their special forms. At that point, I had the choice of having my mother with dementia sign new bank forms or enlisting their attorney to try to fight it...
2. Sometimes, state laws change in ways that make it prudent to re-do the POA forms. My attorney recommended this a few years ago, while we were updating some other stuff.

Yes on 1, though fortunately recent state laws are stronger is forcing them to accept them. Definitely update as needed - many many states have passed laws recently, and older ones aren't invalidated by these new laws though they are often harder to use. But any competently drafted one is way better than nothing. It also goes to show intent as far a court ordered guardianship as to wishes on who is appointed, which would smooth the way if it comes to that.

[pharmjenn]

My father was in great health until a month ago when he suffered a massive heart attack and now has heart failure and arrhythmias. He is military though, so through Medicare and Tricare (military retirement plan) he has free medical care and only pays a copay for his medications (for which he now takes a bunch.) He made a trust and will years ago, as well as a Medical Advance Directive, naming his children as executors. Depending on which child is nearby (2 of us live across the country) that one will be responsible for acute medical decisions if it comes to that.
He has plenty of money to pay for a care team at his house if needed, as that is what he desires, rather than moving somewhere. I really hope we are able to comply with his wishes.
My mother has no money, but decent Medicare healthcare. I don't know what she has planned if she becomes unable to care for herself.

[o_mom]

ILs are deceased, though MIL had no plan and SIL took her in when she entered hospice care (and I am forever grateful).

My parents have LTC insurance and are well off. It is one less thing to worry about, but it is still a very tough road.

[mytwosons]

My parents had their trust, PoAs, etc., done way before they were needed. They also took out cadillac LTC policies when my mom was in her 50s and my dad in his 60s. I was so grateful to be able to have everything at my fingertips when it was needed. They also moved into a CCRC, which made later moves for both of them much easier.

I doubt my ILs have anything. They are divorced and neither are in good health (although they are young). Fortunately, they both remarried younger spouses who can care for them.

[Still-in-Shock]

I asked my mom years ago what she wanted to do once she couldn't care for herself, and she just didn't know. She finally told me this week that she wants to remain at home, not move in with any of the kids, and have home health care visit and live in. Not what I would have suggested, but now I know what to do!