I think it's a good question, and the answer may seem illogical. Rationally, if you are concerned about parents/families/environments you don't know at younger ages, logically, you should hold the same standards at older ages. But the reality is, you can't. You just don't have the same closeness to peer groups and fellow school families at older grades as you did in elementary school, and your kids are naturally and appropriately meeting new people and expanding their world.
So, tips to help manage that:
1. I try to make sure I am involved at one end of pick up or dropoff, and I am likely to try and go to the door, meet the parents, eyeball the house. It's not much, but it's something. I'm not 100%, but I try.
2. A neighbor asked me if I knew the family of a new girl at school who had invited her daughter (and mine) for a sleepover, and I could answer her questions. So you can recruit known friends to see if they can give some information about new families. A lot of times, this is nothing more than "They seem like my kind of people" (which can be meaningless) but at least it's something.
3. I sometimes have DH do a pickup or dropoff if I have otherwise been solely involved in the communication. I do this so the other family knows both parents are involved and so that the dad might see the other dad face-to-face, and in what I hope is a sign that this is a not an easy child or family to prey on. I have no idea if this is nonsense or valid, but I do it.
4. A tip from a coworker who has older teenagers... be the one who picks up your child and friends after a party or dance. That's when the kids will be excited, talking, and reviewing the evening, and if you listen in the background, you'll learn the most about peer relationships and what is going on in your child's environment.
5. Chaperone your older kid's school events. I have only done this once so far, but it helped me start to know some names and faces of kids (and a few other chaperones) at the new school my daughter is at.
6. Re-iterate the key messages you want to get across to your kids: call me if you are uncomfortable, say you need to use the phone if you don't have a cell phone with you/charged/whatever, you dont' have to be friends with someone you don't like, you can create distance by XYZ, I don't want you at houses when parents aren't there/at coed parties, etc. Whatevver your core messages are.
DD2 was just at a sleepover last night of a family I know pretty well; we carpool every week and she's been to sleepovers there before. They are a very casual family and there was no clear pickup time from the party, and I ended up arriving for pickup over an hour after I think the other guests had been picked up. DD2 seemed very tired, both physically and emotionally from the birthday girl who is a very over-the-top, often irritating girl. DD1 had clearly had enough, and it affected her all day Saturday. I keep wondering why DD1 didn't call me, and I realize I have to clearly go over with her that she can always do that, I would have come quicker, and that she does not have to be at the mercy of something pre-arranged if someone or something is bothering her a lot.
Last edited by american_mama; 04-17-2016 at 03:27 PM.
Advice and commentary on living overseas
DD1 15, DD2 12, and DS 9