Friend Help....I don't even know how to act.

[barkley1]

So, to make this as brief as possible, my BFF is getting back w/ her husband who has cheated on her MANY times.

Time #1: parent of one of her elementary students
time #2: prostitute
Time #3: three some with 2 women he met at a work conference (one has an open marriage - no condoms were used). he continued an emotional relationship with the other woman until he was discovered 8 months later.

He has not fessed up to any of these until absolutely forced by a lie detector test. The first two were discovered at the same time; she took him back b/c she had a toddler and was pregnant w/ their second. Now, 4 years later, he's busted again. And those are just the ones we know of. She kicked him out 2 months ago, and they are playing VERY nice for their kids' sake. He's around a lot, the kids are doing fine, they have a temporary visitation schedule. Then mediation was on Monday and the mediator and her atty told her (as they HAVE TO - no promises allowed obviously!) that he might get 50/50 custody (she was only OK w/ every other weekend and one weekday - even told me and a few others that she would take him back if he got 50/50). Since then, she refuses to take any phone calls from any friends, is avoiding everyone like crazy.

He has been at her house all week helping set up a bday party for one of the kids, they visited our church together this morning....basically they are getting back together. He has worn her down and manipulated her into believing he has changed and it was all her fault.

There are a lot of details missing, but I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I'm the one who has helped carry her though all this ! He even personally attacked me and my family during all this b/c I was being her friend....via my husband's crazy ex wife - that sucked. HOW can she forgive him? HOW can she be such a fool? How can she hold her head high in public when she has told our ENTIRE town every single detail of what a jerk he is and everything he has done? How can she be this example to her children???

I'm just beside myself. How do I act? It's so awkward - I know why she won't return any calls. I don't know what to think, I think I'm taking this too personally, but I really care about her ! that's why this is bothering me so much. She's gorgeous, amazing mother, super fun to be around, and has more money that anyone I know - doesn't need to stay b/c of that BTW. I'm just sick thinking about what a mistake she's making

[georgiegirl]

That is so hard. One of my good friends is married to someone who has cheated on her multiple times. They are still married because (1) he is repentant and is willing to go to counseling, (2) he's a super awesome father and does 50% of the parenting and stuff around the house, (3) she gets along well with him as a person other than the infidelity, and (4) finances (they are both teachers in an area with a HCOL.). My friend knows she can never really trust him. It's hard for her.

In your case, it sounds like there might be emotional/mental abuse going on. Letting her know you are there to listen and support her is key.

[lalasmama]

Ugh! I'm sorry you are having to watch the train wreck. My BFF is in the middle of an on again off again marriage, and it drives us all crazy! It's a sucky place to be.

Unfortunately, I think the only thing you can do is ride it out. I'm willing to bet she's embarrassed and knows she's making an unpopular choice, and is likely feeling a bit attacked by everyone voicing their opinion. The heart does stupid things, including ignoring reason quite often.

My sister and I didn't talk for about 6-7 months after she eloped with a former one-night-stand (one night stand, didn't call for 2 months, and they got married 3 months after that). I told her my feelings at the time (as did nearly everyone else), and I was the "expendable" person since I was the one that hit a nerve. I wasn't trying to be mean or nasty, I was trying to save her from heartache. ... And her heartache came in waves over the next 3 years, when refused to move in with her for 2 months after they wed, then left her high and dry a month later, didn't contact her for months at a time, then "sent for her" 2 years later when INS (or whatever it's called) came a-knocking. But, she was a grown adult, well aware of her choices.

My middle DD still has a VERY strained relationship with her auntie who tried to talk her out of getting married... She felt she was an adult and was going into the situation with her eyes wide open. While I may agree with auntie's concerns, I also knew DD wouldn't back down, and speaking up was only going to damage our relationship. And now guess who she goes to when she needs to vent? The one that didn't give her flak about marrying him in the first place. My feelings are still the same, but I value my relationship with her enough to keep my mouth shut.

At this point, if I made any contact, I would send a text or such with something like, "heard the news about you and Joe reuniting. Congratulations! I assume you're getting a lot of people's opinions. I'm here if you need to talk."

[SnuggleBuggles]

That's why I don't let myself get sucked into other people's drama. It isn't my place and it isn't worth the emotional drain. Don't ditch her but don't get involved with her marriage. Marriages are complicated things and only those in it should get a say, barring abuse or major causes for concern. Her choice to continue her marriage is not a character flaw and it likely wasn't chosen easily. You can support her by enjoying her company without judgement. I'm sure someone else has better wisdom but that's where my feelings fall on this.


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[JBaxter]

Step away for a while. I hope he has gotten tested tested for VD and HPV and what ever else they test for. This is her choice not yours I personally couldn't do it. I'd be the story on the news where the woman gorilla glued her husbands "member" to his scrotum or removed his testicles with cuticle scissors ... yeah I would its not even a joke. I have to much pride to be that disrespected BUT its her choice. If she can live with that its on her.

[trcy]

That's why I don't let myself get sucked into other people's drama. It isn't my place and it isn't worth the emotional drain. Don't ditch her but don't get involved with her marriage. Marriages are complicated things and only those in it should get a say, barring abuse or major causes for concern. Her choice to continue her marriage is not a character flaw and it likely wasn't chosen easily. You can support her by enjoying her company without judgement. I'm sure someone else has better wisdom but that's where my feelings fall on this.


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I couldn't have said it better myself. My ability to deal with drama is extremely low and I avoid it at all costs.


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[barkley1]

That is so hard. One of my good friends is married to someone who has cheated on her multiple times. They are still married because (1) he is repentant and is willing to go to counseling, (2) he's a super awesome father and does 50% of the parenting and stuff around the house, (3) she gets along well with him as a person other than the infidelity, and (4) finances (they are both teachers in an area with a HCOL.). My friend knows she can never really trust him. It's hard for her.

In your case, it sounds like there might be emotional/mental abuse going on. Letting her know you are there to listen and support her is key.

Our lives are so ridiculously intertwined, she truly is my best friend. We have been through divorces, remarriages, infertility and so much together over the past 12 years. I have no idea how to be normal now. Like, we all see each other 10-15 times per week (the wives of our friend group), and several times per month in social settings (husbands too) like birthday parties, supper clubs, same pool memberships, church, etc... I'm thinking, how do you publicly dog this person 24/7 for months, get everyone wrapped up in hating him, and declare "just kidding". Let's go back to how it was 4 months ago...it's so awkward.

That's why I don't let myself get sucked into other people's drama. It isn't my place and it isn't worth the emotional drain. Don't ditch her but don't get involved with her marriage. Marriages are complicated things and only those in it should get a say, barring abuse or major causes for concern. Her choice to continue her marriage is not a character flaw and it likely wasn't chosen easily. You can support her by enjoying her company without judgement. I'm sure someone else has better wisdom but that's where my feelings fall on this.


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Can you elaborate on this? i am honestly trying to assess my position on what's happening here and how to feel. I personally feel like JBaxter - i have way too much pride and self-worth to ever be treated like that. I couldn't stand him or anyone else seeing me as a woman who would let a man do that to her - b/c that's what has happened, and seem like to me if she goes back, she's basically telling him "What you did has little to no consequences. Feel free to do it again." I mean really, isn't that why he did it again, after being caught the first time and being taken back??

[Corie]

i have way too much pride and self-worth to ever be treated like that. I couldn't stand him or anyone else seeing me as a woman who would let a man do that to her - b/c that's what has happened, and seem like to me if she goes back, she's basically telling him "What you did has little to no consequences. Feel free to do it again."

I completely agree with you.

[AnnieW625]

That's why I don't let myself get sucked into other people's drama. It isn't my place and it isn't worth the emotional drain. Don't ditch her but don't get involved with her marriage. Marriages are complicated things and only those in it should get a say, barring abuse or major causes for concern. Her choice to continue her marriage is not a character flaw and it likely wasn't chosen easily. You can support her by enjoying her company without judgement. I'm sure someone else has better wisdom but that's where my feelings fall on this.


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I feel the same way and just don't get involved. I will pray for friends going through a tough time, but don't get involved.

[mmsmom]

I can share some experience from the other side... My XH cheated on me for years. It took me a long time to confide in friends because I didn't know what was going to happen and I didn't want friends to hate him or not want to hang out with us if we did stay together. I also never told my family for the same reason. I finally told a couple friends who were very supportive and nice to his face though I know it was awkward for them and that they really didn't want to be around him. We eventually divorced when I was at peace with the situation because I knew I had done all I could to make it work. He was never going to change and I was finally able to walk away. Situations like these show you who your true friends are and I am so grateful for them being there for me. I didn't have kids so when kids are involved I think it can take longer to get to the point of knowing you have tried everything.

In your case I would think about what your friend needs from you. As hard as it is she needs someone to listen and not judge. It is okay to hate the husband and not want to be around him. But supporting your friend is possible even if you disagree with the situation. We all know there are probably many other women he has been with and one day she will figure it out but she's not ready to face the truth yet.