Long- Club-sport remorse, club parents weigh in please

[SASM]

I haven't read all of the responses. I am sure this is already mentioned. I agree with DH and keep her on the team through the first TWO tournaments. The reason why I say "two" is because the first tournament is kind of working out the kinks...getting into a groove. Her team might not do very well in the first tournament. The second tournament can be a turning point. This will give them time to adjust and bond. Is her team doing team-building activities outside of practices, tournaments, etc? This is HUGE.

This is DD1's second year of travel soccer. Last year I had her try out for the experience, knowing that there was a 75% of a possible relocation before the beginning of the season. I wanted her to try out in a familiar, comfortable environment so she could take that experience with her to our new location. She made the B team. The A team coach knew of our possible relocation so he passed but the other two coaches gave her the green flag. I spoke to the director of the program and he encouraged her to take her spot, as the roster definitely allowed for enough subs, should we move. I really struggled with this but accepted the spot (thrilled that we didn't move in the 11th hour!). DD had a tough time because a lot of her close friends were on the A team BUT she developed some wonderful relationships with her new teammates. They lost their first tournament (it was so tough to watch) but they never looked back. They won several 1st and 2nd places through that year...it was soooo wonderful to see their progression. Now, this year, the soccer clubs switched to birth year and their team was split. A whole new team and coaches. Lost first tournament. We just had our second tournament...finished stronger. It's a work in progress. It's just so wonderful to see the progression and bonding (they already have a "team inside joke").

Now, that being said, if your daughter loves the sport and it's offered in school, from what I understand around here, during tryouts the coaches look at kids in club/travel sports first to fill the team spots. If there are spots left over, then they look to those who are in recc, etc. It was really tough of DS who didn't make his MS team as a non-travel player and had to go through the multi-day tryout process.

[jerseygirl07067]

OP, how did it go after the 2nd practice, any better? I just read through all of the responses. I would definitely encourage her to hang in there until tournaments and give it 1-2 months, then re-asess the situation. There was one girl in our club who did not return for the spring, and they were able to bring on another player from rec who wanted to start club. But that is our club, which is much smaller and was just started last year. I don't know how the other clubs run. I also know 1 or 2 kids who switched club teams (within the same club) mid year, due to issues with coach, etc. One mom said the coach was over the top, way too hard on the girls that her 14 y/o DD got to the point where didn't want to play soccer anymore because of it. When they switched to a different team for the spring, she loved the coach and enjoyed playing again. She went from the top team in the club, that played at the state cup level, down to a level 3 team because the coach was amazing and her daughter didn't care about that, she was just happy to have a great playing experience.

I hope it works out for your DD, it sounds like a great opportunity. Just have her hang in there for now and hopefully in time she will feel more comfortable. If not, nothing is permanent.

[Twoboos]

Ok so, she has the 4th practice tomorrow. More sobbing today when I told her practice was tomorrow. Followed by more crying before bed tonight. I am having DH take her to practice tomorrow, he is going to stay and watch and see if she's really being excluded. How, I'm not sure, but he's feels he can read the body language on the field with 50 girls all doing drills, etc.. I also emailed the coach with some questions and mentioned that DD is struggling with adjusting to the team. So we'll see how that goes.

I am afraid this is going to make her hate the sport. I asked her to practice a little the other day and she almost burst into tears again. The coaches have emailed and said everyone should just be practicing like 10 min a day, and I feel like I can't even ask her to do that without risking a breakdown.

I will also say I get where she's coming from. When I am waiting to pick her up, no moms talk to me as I'm standing there alone. They're all chatting away with each other, offering to carpool, etc., clearly they've been doing it for years. So a lot of the girls must be close, too. <sigh> I thought she would like this. Silly me.

[KpbS]

Don't beat yourself up, Twoboos. You never know if you don't try and she does love the sport. It's worth a shot.

Big hugs!

[jacksmomtobe]

Are her practices with multiple teams since you mention 50 girls? Is she mostly with her team but on a shared field with other teams? Honestly all you need is one friendly teammate and one friendly mom to turn this situation around. I would do your best to try to chat with the other Moms... Ask them which girl is their child, where are they from. Etc. I think you might find them friendlier over time. Right now everyone is focused on getting back into routine and they may just be sticking to,those they know. If you continue to be friendly the tide might change. Also games and tournaments are good times for teams to bond. There is more opportunity for little interactions that help the girls bond. Lastly I would not worry about the 10 minutes a day unless you feel it will build your daughter's confidence it is better being set aside for now. I hope things get better. I know it is tough to deal with your daughter's unhappiness but hopefully after a rough start you will both turn around and be happy that you persevered.

[chlobo]

I have a friend whose daughter joined a club sport last spring. She reported having to play the "bad" positions and not really knowing anyone. But once the season started and everyone was going to games together bonding occurred and she now feels more integrated into the team. Maybe she just needs time?

[niccig]

I will also say I get where she's coming from. When I am waiting to pick her up, no moms talk to me as I'm standing there alone. They're all chatting away with each other, offering to carpool, etc., clearly they've been doing it for years. So a lot of the girls must be close, too. <sigh> I thought she would like this. Silly me.

Do you go over and say hi, introduce yourself and try to join the conversation? Not criticizing,just wondering that if you're standing off by yourself they may think you don't want to be part of the conversation?

I teach social skills and when I observe group dynamics, a person not approaching the group or just slightly off to the group can be seen as wanting their space from the group, so the group participants don't include that person. The person off to the side thinks they are close enough, but to be included, the person has to approach the group and make a verbal comment/question addressed to the group to be included.

Now if you're standing right beside them and try to join the conversation but get ignored, then they are being rude.



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