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  1. #1
    JustMe is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Default Expectations/how to handle tweens/teens cleaning up after themselves

    I'm very curious how others handle these situations as I find myself very confused. Dd and ds are obviously a lot more independent in doing things for themselves than when they were younger, but I am finding it harder in terms of the house and the shape it it in! It was obvious what they were doing when they were younger, and I would either know they could clean it up and have that expectation, clean it up with them, or take care of it--the important difference is I would have the cleaning up part happen pretty soon after whatever they did so things did not build up.

    So frequently now when I go to do things, I find lots of things that need to be done, due to something the kids have done. For example, I go to take a shower, and there is conditioner spilled all over the floor. In other parts of the house, there is jelly on the floor, there are wet towels left somewhere, the cheese has been left open (and is now bad), the microwave is a mess, there are scraps of paper all around the house (from projects they do) along with whatever other materials they used. Dd has left out everything she used to polish her nails and there is nailpolish on something there shouldn't be. I go to start the dishwasher and there are big chunks of food on the bottom that take a while to clean. There are more, but I can't think of them now.

    I have been having the kids come back and take care of what they haven't done..but I don't know if maybe I should be letting this stuff go or handling this differently. I don't remember worrying about this stuff when I was a teen. I had a stay at home mom, and I suspect she cleaned up after me, although not sure. It would literally take hours just to take care of these things as they pile up when I don't notice them, and the problem is I only notice them when I notice them. We all have other things we need to do on weekends, so its difficult to add all of this to the mix. OTOH, I do feel that it is normal for teens to be forgetful, and I don't want to have unrealistic expectations.

    How do you handle this? Do you just clean it all up, have some kind of structure where the tween/teen cleans up. Help!
    lucky single mom to 20 yr old dd and 17 yr old ds through 2 very different adoption routes

  2. #2
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    They make a mess, they clean the mess. Simple as that. and pitching in with routine stuff is expected


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  3. #3
    JustMe is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    They make a mess, they clean the mess. Simple as that. and pitching in with routine stuff is expected


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    See, that is what I had thought but its just not working well here. Routine stuff and chores are not a problem. Its just the self-monitoring of cleaning up after themselves when they do something. I am wondering if I need to put signs around the house reminding them of what they need to do after they use everything!
    lucky single mom to 20 yr old dd and 17 yr old ds through 2 very different adoption routes

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by JustMe View Post
    See, that is what I had thought but its just not working well here. Routine stuff and chores are not a problem. Its just the self-monitoring of cleaning up after themselves when they do something. I am wondering if I need to put signs around the house reminding them of what they need to do after they use everything!
    I don't have tweens, so this isn't a BTDT response, but I would hold a family meeting. I would explain the situation and explain that with greater independence comes greater responsibility. Then I'd probably do something goofy, 'cause that works with my kids, and play a game called "leave it or clean it" or something. I'd use as questions the kinds of issues you've been seeing. I'd play it up like a game show. Of course the answer is always "clean it" unless you want to throw some questions in there about finding nuclear waste and calling the authorities or something. Make it fun! We do these kind of family quiz games, and we always do something goofy like let the one who gets the question right try to catch a piece of popcorn in his or her mouth or get some kind of prize. Then you can use the phrase when you next find a slip up.


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  5. #5
    Melaine is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    I struggle with this as well. Since we homeschool, the house is pretty much always in use and it's hard to keep up. A couple things I have realized over the last 6 months when really trying to work on this. 1) it seems like this should be easy, but I had to realize it's a big job to teach kids responsibility and that's ok. Recognizing that this is part of my job as a parent has helped me to spend more time on it, not just constantly reminding but working on a system. 2) Having a harmonious/neat home is important to me, very important. It's vital to my emotional sanity in fact. It takes work and effort to combat it, but it's worth fighting for.
    What I have done: kids have a chore list to complete each day and they check them off on the list. At the end of the week, they receive an allowance if they have completed their tasks cheerfully and without a lot of reminding. One of the "tasks" is doing a quick scan of the house at the end of the day to collect and return all of their items to their homes. We make a huge effort to leave the house neat and picked up. This has required some practice, DH leaves each day at 6:30 and we leave several days at 7:30 but it makes a BIG difference in the outcome, when I come home to a clean kitchen I can face cooking dinner ;-). We have color-coded towels which has eliminated the towels on the floor completely. So much simpler than it has ever been. We also work very hard to neaten up the entire house before going to bed. Finally, we have been getting rid of so much stuff so that the entire house is much less cluttered which has made all of the above tasks much more attainable. As far as things like nail polish, my girls are 10 and they aren't allowed to use nail polish without clearing it with me. The nail polish lives in my bathroom and needs to be returned or they can't use it next time. If they are fixing food they let me know also and they have gotten better about cleaning up after themselves. The more we minimize the more possible this all has become.

  6. #6
    JustMe is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Thanks. Yes, I do think for my kids there is some teaching I need to do. Its almost as if they are not aware what they are doing (or to be more exact, not doing). Not because I don't tell them, remind them, make them do it when I find it, but because they are just not concentrating on things in that way when they are doing them.

    I like the idea of having to do a quick scan before bedtime..this would probably help a lot. I will say that I am fine with some clutter, especially during the week, but mostly want problematic things like the wet towels, nailpolish, food, other things that can stain, taken care of. I also think I may need to make some signs...steps for using the broiler, microwave, getting food from the refrigerator--that looks ridiculous when I write it, but I do think my kids need this to learn.

    The other issue probably for us is that dd has more unsupervised time at home than she ideally should, but there is no better solution right now..so I am glad none of this is an outright safety issue but can't really stop her from doing things in the house just because she is not cleaning up after herself.
    lucky single mom to 20 yr old dd and 17 yr old ds through 2 very different adoption routes

  7. #7
    lmwbasye is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    So, this doesn't help with unsupervised time as it wouldn't be as immediate, but we were/are having some similar issues and I have changed things around a bit. I put in my mind that, yes...they are older, but they are not adults and still need some guidance direction...at least for a little bit. Therefore, I have been working a bit on myself in not taking for granted that they know/will remember all the steps in doing something but may need some minor supervision/reminders at the end. This may be my asking them after they shower to go check and make sure it's clean and their mess tidied. Or after they've made themselves a meal or snack reminding and watching them to clean up after themselves and stating what those tasks are. I also have morning and afternoon charts posted in their bedrooms that have their routines on there. On them, I don't just say shower....but shower and make sure it's cleaned up. Or brush teeth and wipe the sink. These are checklists that they must complete. I'm not doing for them but am supporting them a bit as they go about their day in a different way than I did a couple of years ago. My hope is that, soon, these little tasks will become more routine and automatic for them. But I'm thinking that I need to be better at watching them so that I the cleanup can be more immediate and a continuation of the task they were doing...not something I ask them to come tidy even an hour later.
    Laura Proud Army wife and SAHM to Liam (10/04) and George (10/07)

  8. #8
    JustMe is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by lmwbasye View Post
    So, this doesn't help with unsupervised time as it wouldn't be as immediate, but we were/are having some similar issues and I have changed things around a bit. I put in my mind that, yes...they are older, but they are not adults and still need some guidance direction...at least for a little bit. Therefore, I have been working a bit on myself in not taking for granted that they know/will remember all the steps in doing something but may need some minor supervision/reminders at the end. This may be my asking them after they shower to go check and make sure it's clean and their mess tidied. Or after they've made themselves a meal or snack reminding and watching them to clean up after themselves and stating what those tasks are. I also have morning and afternoon charts posted in their bedrooms that have their routines on there. On them, I don't just say shower....but shower and make sure it's cleaned up. Or brush teeth and wipe the sink. These are checklists that they must complete. I'm not doing for them but am supporting them a bit as they go about their day in a different way than I did a couple of years ago. My hope is that, soon, these little tasks will become more routine and automatic for them. But I'm thinking that I need to be better at watching them so that I the cleanup can be more immediate and a continuation of the task they were doing...not something I ask them to come tidy even an hour later.
    Yes, I was thinking this is more of what I need to do. Since some of the time is unsupervised, I need to get some checklists up. Now to find the time to create those checklists. LOL!
    lucky single mom to 20 yr old dd and 17 yr old ds through 2 very different adoption routes

  9. #9
    rlu is offline Ruby level (4000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by JustMe View Post
    Yes, I was thinking this is more of what I need to do. Since some of the time is unsupervised, I need to get some checklists up. Now to find the time to create those checklists. LOL!
    why not have the kids take the first shot at writing them up? then you can go over with them and add missing steps.
    DS Mar04, 8th grader. Life Scout. Being read Flash the Homeless Donkey.
    GoldPup (golden retriever born Dec14); Big Boy Dog (1997 - 2008); Little Girl Dog (1997 - 2005); two 10-yo (2007-2017) huge goldfish we can no longer find in MIL's fish pond
    Go Sharks! Go Mirai, Nathan, the Shib Sibs and Team USA
    Recently read The Hate U Give (highly recommend) and The Noel Diary (ok, light). Starting A Dog Named Boo.
    Pooh - "It's a beautiful day." Eeyore - "Not from where I'm sitting." Pooh - "Try standing next to me." From The Best Bear in All the World, Spring.

  10. #10
    JustMe is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by rlu View Post
    why not have the kids take the first shot at writing them up? then you can go over with them and add missing steps.
    This is brilliant! I am going to do just that!
    lucky single mom to 20 yr old dd and 17 yr old ds through 2 very different adoption routes

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