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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    Portland Metro area (Oregon)
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    Default Fake "relationships" with extended family

    I just got a message from my aunt that my 2nd cousin (her teen granddaughter) wants to come over when my grandkids are here today to see them. I was able to put it off for now, but not for long.

    So, this is the teen that lived at our home with her mother for 4 months while they "looked for a place to live" and didn't find a place until we were remodeling, and we wouldn't be cooking most of that time--therefore leaving them to plan/pay for their own meals. (Don't hate--the mom had a job, and food stamps, so it's not like they were high and dry when we did this!) End result: she's never been taught limits.

    The whole time they lived with us, they were sleeping in our grandsons' bedroom, so the grandsons didn't come over for their weekly dinners and monthly sleepovers; we watched them 1 weekend in that time, and it was h*ll. They didn't have their space, they didn't have their beds, they had 2 more people telling them how to behave, and an overbearing teenager that wouldn't let them be. Here's my point in this--said teenager has seen my grandkids for 3 hours each Christmas x2, maybe 2 hours for my DD's birthday x1, and that 1 weekend 2 years ago... and she believes she is their "best auntie" who they love and adore and can't live without. Seriously, they haven't seen her in 9 months--they would more easily recognize the hand-stamper from the children's museum. They don't know her name, they certainly don't remember her.

    The 3yo DGS recently learned to say my (approaching elderly) auntie's name, and auntie is smitten. Understandably so. He's a freaking adorable kid who wraps everyone around his little finger--he's going to be a great politician one day with his charisma and charm. My grandsons see Auntie at least 2 hours once a month; they don't adore her, but they will generally tolerate her, and even hold her hand in a parking lot.

    I'm fairly certain Auntie told teenage cousin that the 3yo now says Auntie's name, and so teenage cousin is jealous, and now needs to "make a name for herself."

    I don't have the energy for it. We had the grandboys last weekend, and then again Monday night. The 3yo's tonsillectomy went fine, but his recovery has sucked, so I've been in constant contact with their mom (which is what I'm here for, since her mom is completely absent for years now, and I'm completely cool with that), and it is tiring. I haven't slept well all week. I don't have the energy to let teen cousin come over and have to monitor interactions. My DD knows to not get in their faces, that sidewalk chalk is parallel play at their ages, that she's too big to play on their cheap-a** swingset, and what is age appropriate for them. Teen cousin doesn't know these things, and ignores any attempted redirection or informing, while reminding the adults that she has a "long history" of babysitting (mother's helper for 3 hours a week for 2 months 3 years ago, and 3 weeks this summer for 2 hours a day 3 days a week). She treats the 1st grader and kindergartener like they are toddlers, and the toddler like he's a newborn baby.

    I was told I was a pain in the a** teenager too, so I'm pretty sure teen cousin is somehow karma payback. But I just don't have the energy to deal with it today. Or next week. Or next month. Or next year.
    --Mimi
    Mom to Lala (2004), Bonus Mom to Big Sis 1 (1991) and Big Sis 2 (1992)
    Grammy to Big Kindy Kid (2011), Big Pre-K Kid (2012),
    Grandbaby Appendage (2014), and New Baby Grandboy (summer 2017)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Salt Lake City, Utah.
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    7,977

    Default

    You don't have to give this kid the time of day. Period. No explanations, no nada. Just say no. You need less stress, not more. Set your limits/stick to them.
    Mom to:
    DS '02
    DD '05
    Simon--the King Charles cutie
    RIP Andy, the furry first child, 1996-2012

    "The task of any religion is not to tell us who we are entitled to hate but to teach us who we are required to love."

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
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    North-East
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    3,893

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    Quote Originally Posted by StantonHyde View Post
    You don't have to give this kid the time of day. Period. No explanations, no nada. Just say no. You need less stress, not more. Set your limits/stick to them.
    ☝️yes to that! Just reply saying no. You're busy. I get it though as am working on resetting boundaries issues with my mum.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
    Mummy to DS1-6/11 and DS2-1/14

  4. #4
    Kestrel is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Jun 2009
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    Please, save yourself the stress and be "not available". It sounds like you've already done enough to get credit until at least new year's!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
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    DC Suburbs
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    How old is this teen? To me, teens are still kids unless they're "almost 20." Of course she's clueless, that's the nature of teendom.

    I don't have a big problem with "no", so I think you are 100% in the right if you tell her visiting won't work right now. Or if you made her follow your rules in your house.
    Mommy to my wonderful, HEALTHY twin girls
    6/08 - Preemies no more!

  6. #6
    KpbS's Avatar
    KpbS is online now Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Keep saying no each time they try to set plans. Sorry, we can't......A), B), C),.........
    K

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
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    USA.
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    If you are busy or don't want to deal with it, just say no. But I would work on the anger and disdain you feel toward this teen, who sounds like she didn't get the best draw in life (she was sleeping in a borrowed room and her mom is on food stamps). I think you are reading way, way, too much into her allegedly wanting to come over. For all you know, the adult is suggesting it and trying to build relationships or "make memories" as my highly annoying MIL used to do. She would claim xyz cousin or third cousin that we have no relationship with wanted to see us or visit or whatever and our kids had zero relationship with them. I would just redirect your angst at the adults including the parent who put her teen at your house. Teens are clueless on their best days and I would cut the girl some slack in how you describe her and her intentions, even if you don't have her over.


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  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    Portland Metro area (Oregon)
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    Quote Originally Posted by HannaAddict View Post
    If you are busy or don't want to deal with it, just say no. But I would work on the anger and disdain you feel toward this teen, who sounds like she didn't get the best draw in life (she was sleeping in a borrowed room and her mom is on food stamps). I think you are reading way, way, too much into her allegedly wanting to come over. For all you know, the adult is suggesting it and trying to build relationships or "make memories" as my highly annoying MIL used to do. She would claim xyz cousin or third cousin that we have no relationship with wanted to see us or visit or whatever and our kids had zero relationship with them. I would just redirect your angst at the adults including the parent who put her teen at your house. Teens are clueless on their best days and I would cut the girl some slack in how you describe her and her intentions, even if you don't have her over.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    I have been trying to get over my frustration of this child for years--like since the week after they moved in, lol! That's why I only post about her in the BP ;-) Honestly, I wish I knew why she drives me so nuts, but I think it's just a million little things. Good news is that she'll graduate this year, and that will decrease interactions to family events only.

  9. #9
    Simon is offline Ruby level (4000+ posts)
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    USA
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    I would say no and text a pic of the kids waving "Hi" if I felt generous.
    Ds1 (2006). Ds2 (2010). Ds3 (2012).

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
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    USA.
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    Quote Originally Posted by lalasmama View Post
    I have been trying to get over my frustration of this child for years--like since the week after they moved in, lol! That's why I only post about her in the BP ;-) Honestly, I wish I knew why she drives me so nuts, but I think it's just a million little things. Good news is that she'll graduate this year, and that will decrease interactions to family events only.
    I'm sorry I didn't notice in the BP as just in stream of new posts. It is okay to say no though.


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