I am Going to Cry

[StantonHyde]

DH has been basically gone all weekend racing cars and today he had to take his Board renewal exams. (he takes them every 10 years) So I put up with 2 moody teens all weekend. and then my dad being a right a$$ and emailing me how he needed to talk to dh because he doesn't believe it when I tell him we can't visit him. Nope, he needs to talk to "the man of the house" to "work something out". So I sit on this crap all weekend and then finally when DH is home tonight I broach the subject of my dad's email because I need to get his off my chest and I need him on the same page with me. I finally get him to agree to an email wording but he is of NO HELP regarding the emotional impact of all this. Nope, he wants to drink a bunch of wine (that he deserves and I had a couple of glasses too!) and get really chatty, which he rarely does as an introvert. And what does he want to discuss? Car racing. In.minute.detail. Every.lap. It is like listening to your kids talk Minecraft on steroids!!!!! And I am being a nice, good wife and doing my best to act like I care about this conversation!!!!!!!

Thank God I scheduled a get together with a girlfriend Saturday night. If I hadn't had that going for me, I don't know where I would be right now. Fortunately, I worked on my days off Friday and Monday so I am using comp time on Thursday to make my life less stressful. I am going to a fun concert, I have my last tri of the season on Saturday, and I get to see my therapist this week too. Just.have.to.make.it. I can drink wine tomorrow and maybe a little bit Wednesday, but then no more till Saturday night.


arrrrrrgh. Momming is hard some times.

[lalasmama]

Momming + wifing + daughtering all together is very hard at times! I'm sending some extra virtual wine!

Glad you have some things planned!

[newnana]

I'm sorry. I'm the racer in the family. DH doesn't know anything about cars. I try really really really hard not to do that to DH. But the problem is, it's what's in my head. And it's the only thing interesting and new and different and a fun topic to me, otherwise, i got nuthin. I wish I did, but I don't.

Sorry for a suggestion in the BP, but looking at your kiddos ages, why aren't they going to help him and give you a free weekend? I'd ship them all off next time and have some sweet sweet alone time. My DD has been going to the track with me (with giant ear protection) since she was 2 and has been helping ever since.

As to your dad, UGH! I'm not a middle man. Why are you emailing me to tell me you want to talk to someone else? Clearly you think I have no power here, so why are you talking to me about it? I'd be tempted to not reply at all since he thinks I have no voice anyway...

I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed. Hang in there, none of that sounds fun. And thanks for the reminder. I have a really big race coming up, afterwards I'll just say how happy I am to see him.

[jal]

Car racing. In.minute.detail. Every.lap. It is like listening to your kids talk Minecraft on steroids!!!!!

Awesome Word Picture

[StantonHyde]

newnana--DS has gone once to the track and had fun but it's not really his thing and DD has nooo interest. I think DH really likes having his "guy time" without having to think about the kids. And I am fine with that but it gets wearing when he already works every other weekend and then is racing one weekend a month so that leaves him with one weekend at home each month. Some of it is that I have to get to the point where I am just going to leave the kids and do stuff I like for a couple of hours--go to the street fair, see the new museum exhibit. They are teens and would rather hang out with their friends or play video games. They still talk to me and there are plenty of hugs etc. But they are homebodies and I am not. And the track is NOT my thing--too loud, excruciatingly HOT, and motorized recreation. DH just needs more guy friends off the track so he can keep talking about cars :-)

My dad emails me first, gets a no we can't answer, and then leaves messages for DH. DH will ignore him so Dad manufactures some sort of "crisis" that he thinks warrants DH's immediate attention and then he gets pissed because DH still doesn't call back immediately. (current crisis is someone Dad knows has neuropathy and can't walk but is interested in car racing. So DH needs to call Dad NOW to get all this info to call the other person. Could Dad just leave the other person's contact info? noooooo because Dad wants to be known as the hero for intervening. PITA)

I just hate setting boundaries over and over and over. I do it. I stick to my guns. I send unpleasantly worded emails that are direct and succinct without calling anybody names and sticking to the facts. I am just tired of it. The kids see my Dad about 2-3 times a year plus Christmas. That's all anybody can handle. It would be different if they really liked him or had a relationship with him but they don't because all he cares about is himself. They have NOOOOO desire to go bird hunting. None. They hated it the last time they went several years ago. This is all about Dad being happy and everybody else being miserable. He just wants to say that he did this with his grandkids. They are trophy pieces to him. I have done my best to give him a chance to be a grandpa since my mom died 11 years ago. (monthly visits with the kids, phone calls, etc.) His behavior has meant that I have had to curtail those visits to the point where we are now. ugh. just ugh.

[newnana]

ugh. just ugh indeed! I hear you. Both sets of grandparents are exactly as you described towards our DD. They like the idea of grandparenting and showing pictures of their granddaughter WAY more than actually being a grandparent. It why when got the opportunity to move several states away we had zero hesitation.

The setting/resetting boundaries thing is exhausting. It never ends, especially when there is that entitlement/martyr factor. That's my mom. My DH convinced me a few years ago to stop feeding it. I didn't really know what that meant and felt very obligated to it/her so he helped me come up with concrete actions. It was HARD. It took me a long time to implement but for me it has been much better for my mental health because i feel more in control of our communications. " You don't have to answer the phone when she calls. You don't even have to call her back. Or if you do, give it a few days! Her problems are not your problems." Even more liberating once I acknowledged that her "problems" are all manufactured or actually someone else's that she's borrowing and nothing that's an actual crises and if she thinks about for more than a second realizes I'm not the right avenue for help anyway... but that's my issue

There must be something generational about the voicemail thing, too. Both my dad and his brother (that I adore!) leave me the same voicemails: hey newnana, I have a question for you, call me back when you get this. Um, can you leave me the question?

I definitely get that not everyone likes the track. DH has never once been and we're both very okay with that. He would be miserable which would make me miserable. Heck, I wear giant ear protection all day to ward off the headache, but get one anyway because of it squeezing my head. BUT, I'm only at the track a handful of weekends/weeks a year and we parent equally the rest of the time (and he gets plenty of guy weekends other times). Your situation would be very different for us to navigate as we generally don't work weekends. Bummer the kids don't like it. It sounds like a golden opportunity for focused dad time. That's actually how I got into it - dad and I probably wouldn't have much of a relationship if I didn't do cars. But yeah, if the kids don't like it you don't want it to be like the hunting situation with your dad.

Sounds like you have a plan working in what you want to do as well. Hang in there!

[StantonHyde]

thanks newnana. And if you ever need a new person to talk cars with--PM me and I'll give you DH's #

PS--I put my dad on email communication ONLY. That's another reason why he calls DH and I have told DH--do Not take his calls. I will let the kids talk to Grandpa when he calls but I don't get on the phone! And I do my best to give it a few days before I reply to emails. So sad. My mom was the most amazing grandparent.

[newnana]

thanks newnana. And if you ever need a new person to talk cars with--PM me and I'll give you DH's #

PS--I put my dad on email communication ONLY. That's another reason why he calls DH and I have told DH--do Not take his calls. I will let the kids talk to Grandpa when he calls but I don't get on the phone! And I do my best to give it a few days before I reply to emails. So sad. My mom was the most amazing grandparent.

Ha! the number of guys at the track that are appalled that I end up with the only guy they have ever heard of that doesn't have any interest in cars... what are the odds? If we were both into it we'd be broke.

Good call on the email only! Okay, I'm getting the picture. But still. I'm thinking it would make me want to put a rule on my inbox to automatically send his to a particular folder that I check during designated happy times only so as to not to destroy a day unintentionally. I'm so sorry.

[trales]

If we lived in the same corner of the country I would say we should go out for a drink. I toast a virtual glass to you!

[Philly Mom]

My DH loves car racing too. Formula 1 takes up way too much conversation and weekend time. I empathize. Have some wine.


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