The right approach for DD

[basil]

I want to give a bit of background here. I am extremely introverted. All through my life, I've been called "quiet" and "shy", so so much that for many years it was part of my identity. I don't think I have social anxiety. I think I am very introverted and when I was young, I failed to fit the mold of what others thought I should be socially. I think this caused a lot of angst. I have vivid memories of being in nursery school and being asked to play games like "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?" and refusing. I remember the teacher asking my dad why I wouldn't talk. I remember, later on, multiple kids (usually boys) teasing me for not talking to them. I refused. I'm quite stubborn and I never spoke to them. I must have heard hundreds of times "it's always the quiet ones...." implying I was some sort of deviant. I think I talk less than usual, but I don't think it's pathology, just maybe the end of the bell curve. It took me probably until my mid-20s to escape the "shy" identity and I hate that term very much. Now in my late 30s I don't think anyone would use that for me. I'm in a leadership position, I meet and talk to new people on a daily basis, I'm not easily intimidated (don't think I ever was), and I do public speaking pretty often (never had a problem with this). I still don't like mingling type events, like cocktail parties, where I don't know anyone. I don't like crowds but they don't make me nervous. I don't like people in my home, but I do it when necessary. But whatever.

I am trying very hard to not project my experiences to my DD, who is 3, but she seems to be exhibiting a lot of these same behaviors. It sounds really familiar to me. She doesn't talk at preschool, except to one teacher. She doesn't really play with the other kids. She talked to my DS when he was in the same school last year, so I think the teachers were less focused on her.

At home, she is normal. She plays with DS, with her cousins, and with the neighbors we see often. But in school they are now getting worried about her. She won't sing songs in preschool, but she comes home and knows all the words. When they try to make her speak, she gives them a look like Christina Ricci as Wednesday Adams. One of the owners started calling her "Iron Lady" which I told him to stop doing.

I think they are focusing too much on her talking or not talking, and I think it is probably backfiring. I know I wouldn't talk if someone were constantly asking me to. They are also getting really excited and heaping on praises if she does sing along or whatever. I think this is wrong as well. When they ask me about this, I tell them to ignore whether she is talking or not talking, and she will talk if she wants to when she's ready. This is what we do at home, if one of DS's friends comes over or if a relative she hasn't seen in a while comes over, and she usually will play with them when she chooses to after an initial period of not wanting to.

I don't want to read too much into her personality from my own experiences. And I don't want to ignore her if she is anxious and needs more attention to open up. She has plenty of time to figure out when she must go against her natural instinct and participate in things even if she doesn't want to, but I really don't want her to feel at all abnormal for not wanting to. She's 3.

Does this make sense? Any other things I should be telling them?

[petesgirl]

You sound like a girl after my own heart! I was badgered a lot for quiet and shy when I was younger too. I don't remember it bothering me at all but it's not like hearing people say that about me could automatically make me talk more. You know your daughter best and I think your approach is right. I would be confidently unconcerned about it for now with the preschool and I would insist on them not using labels like 'shy' in front of her.

[georgiegirl]

Ds2 refused to sing songs or participate at preschool last year (he was 3). Fortunately his teachers never though that was a problem and never pushed him to do anything that made him uncomfortable. His preschool is mixed special needs and typical kids, so the teachers understand that there’s a wide range of acceptable behavior. Fast forward to this year, his teacher reports he sings the sings abs participates in group activities and seeks out other kids to play with. Last year he would avoid other kids. Give it time and just be supportive.

[hillview]

She's 3?? Assuming she doesn't have any issues (like you don't need to get her evaluated by EI) I'd tell the school to back off. I mean she's three!! Are there other school options that would be a better fit?

[toby]

I want to give a bit of background here. I am extremely introverted. All through my life, I've been called "quiet" and "shy", so so much that for many years it was part of my identity. I don't think I have social anxiety. I think I am very introverted and when I was young, I failed to fit the mold of what others thought I should be socially. I think this caused a lot of angst. I have vivid memories of being in nursery school and being asked to play games like "who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?" and refusing. I remember the teacher asking my dad why I wouldn't talk. I remember, later on, multiple kids (usually boys) teasing me for not talking to them. I refused. I'm quite stubborn and I never spoke to them. I must have heard hundreds of times "it's always the quiet ones...." implying I was some sort of deviant. I think I talk less than usual, but I don't think it's pathology, just maybe the end of the bell curve. It took me probably until my mid-20s to escape the "shy" identity and I hate that term very much. Now in my late 30s I don't think anyone would use that for me. I'm in a leadership position, I meet and talk to new people on a daily basis, I'm not easily intimidated (don't think I ever was), and I do public speaking pretty often (never had a problem with this). I still don't like mingling type events, like cocktail parties, where I don't know anyone. I don't like crowds but they don't make me nervous. I don't like people in my home, but I do it when necessary. But whatever.

I am trying very hard to not project my experiences to my DD, who is 3, but she seems to be exhibiting a lot of these same behaviors. It sounds really familiar to me. She doesn't talk at preschool, except to one teacher. She doesn't really play with the other kids. She talked to my DS when he was in the same school last year, so I think the teachers were less focused on her.

At home, she is normal. She plays with DS, with her cousins, and with the neighbors we see often. But in school they are now getting worried about her. She won't sing songs in preschool, but she comes home and knows all the words. When they try to make her speak, she gives them a look like Christina Ricci as Wednesday Adams. One of the owners started calling her "Iron Lady" which I told him to stop doing.

I think they are focusing too much on her talking or not talking, and I think it is probably backfiring. I know I wouldn't talk if someone were constantly asking me to. They are also getting really excited and heaping on praises if she does sing along or whatever. I think this is wrong as well. When they ask me about this, I tell them to ignore whether she is talking or not talking, and she will talk if she wants to when she's ready. This is what we do at home, if one of DS's friends comes over or if a relative she hasn't seen in a while comes over, and she usually will play with them when she chooses to after an initial period of not wanting to.

I don't want to read too much into her personality from my own experiences. And I don't want to ignore her if she is anxious and needs more attention to open up. She has plenty of time to figure out when she must go against her natural instinct and participate in things even if she doesn't want to, but I really don't want her to feel at all abnormal for not wanting to. She's 3.

Does this make sense? Any other things I should be telling them?

Everything that you said makes sense to me and I think that you are spot on. I really hope that the school can back off bc I agree that what they are doing seems to be backfiring. LOL about the Wednesday Adamms' look, and I cringed about the "Iron Lady" comment (yay for you to speak up about that). Maybe the school will feel better about doing "nothing" if you tell them that you would like to do a 2 month experiment of backing off. The "2 month experiment" would be just to ease them into changing their behavior! Thank goodness your DD has you for a mom because you are not adding to the pressure...

[ett]

She's 3?? Assuming she doesn't have any issues (like you don't need to get her evaluated by EI) I'd tell the school to back off. I mean she's three!! Are there other school options that would be a better fit?

She's only 3! I feel some schools/teachers have this view of what is "normal" for a 3 or 4 or whatever age year old and if a child does not fit this mold, something must be going on and must be changed. I feel like there is a lot of pressure these days for kids to be social butterflies. Not every child is, some will be more quiet/shy (and I'm not saying that as a negative as I was very shy as a child) and there is nothing wrong with that. That could just be her personality and no one should be trying to change that!

[echoesofspring]

Agree with everyone that the school should be respectful of her personality and not forcing her to engage if she doesn't want to. I have long wanted to read this book, I've seen it recommended on other forums, I do think our society favors extroverted personalities: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-I...ords=introvert

[ellies mom]

That sounds exactly like my oldest at that age. I agree with the advice you've been given. Try and get the school to back off and let her engage at her pace. Luckily, my daughter went to a play-based program that did an amazing job of reaching her where she was at.


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[american_mama]

I had hoped someone with more knowledge would chime in, but I believe that certain personality traits are very tied to genes and that introversion/extroversion is one of the strongest of those inheritable personality traits. So your experience as a highly introverted child is probably very relevant to your child showing the same tendencies.

I am not particularly introverted, so no personal experience to share. But I love your sense that there was never anything wrong with you despite the impression that others gave. I think that's great to hold on to and pass on to your daughter.

[twowhat?]

So here's my opinion, and everything you said resonated with me because you could have described me!!! I grew up the same way, thinking that "shy" was a negative thing. Something that was wrong. In my 20s I tried to break out of the "shy" mold but you know how that goes...if you're introverted it's how you are, and trying to act or behave as if you aren't just never really works. I'm comfortable with myself now, for the most part, but like you I still hate mingling and networking with people I don't know, and I don't like crowds, and at the end of the day I need to be ALONE. I worry too much about what I said and how others perceive it and whether it looked good or bad. I have a reputation at work for wanting to eat an early dinner, not do drinks, and go back to my hotel room and I don't care...I'm pretty likeable (I think) and I've been promoted a bunch and am in a senior leadership position and my colleagues still try to make me go have drinks with them (which I would assume they'd just give up if they didn't care to have my company) so things must be OK.

For my DDs, I've wrestled with exactly what you're wrestling with. They are both shy, like me. DH doesn't understand it like I do. I've decided to not fight "real world" because they are going to grow up in "real world" having to deal with the same types of things I dealt with in terms of not fitting that mold of what people like (outgoing kids) and instead I focus on making sure that at home those are NEVER EVER seen as a negative so that they are comfortable in their own skin. Shy is fine. Outgoing is fine, everyone is different. Sure, we push them to speak up (ordering at a restaurant, for example) - those real life skills that they're going to have to know. But I don't try to fight the school with how they approach my shy kids, or if they give extra encouragement to non-shy behaviors. Because they're gonna deal with that all their lives. I just focus on teaching my kids to be comfortable in their own skin.

Anyway, all that is just my opinion (and assumes that your DD is normal and doesn't have a greater level of social anxiety where you might need to consider therapy). Embrace who she is. Point out that people are different and personalities are different and one is not better than the other. Don't try too much to change other peoples' behavior unless it's extreme.

"Iron Lady"???? That's extreme and totally uncalled for and good for you for speaking up because WTF??????? If they keep doing sh*t like THAT, I'd totally look for a different school.