Bat Mitzvah

[niccig]

Need advice on clothes for me, DH, DS for service and the party that night. What present to give? How long is the service and what should we expect? How about the party?


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[magnoliaparadise]

Some of the answers - how long the service is - depends upon the temple. Is it reform / conservative / orthodox?

Generally, reform temple is about 1.5 - 2 hours, but you can leave for a bit if you want a break or need to go to the bathroom or are bored or anything like that. Also, services with more than one child being bar/bat mitzvahed (because the temple has many families) is on the longer side of that equation. I'm not sure about the others. Some services are kind of interesting with a lot of singing. Some are hard to understand because the prayers are mostly in Hebrew. Just a head's up that I find some services boring and others really interesting - usually based on the temple or rabbi. So if you don't like it, the next one you go to might be different, and visa versa.

At a certain point in the service, the kid will give a speech (usually short) and then the parents give one (most of the time really really lovely) and there is a cantor and then the parents and two (?) other groups of loved ones read from the Torah (singing).

As far as dress code, other people should weigh in, but I'd say business dressy. Generally, I wouldn't show shoulders, but it's all pretty ok. I just went to one and I bought really nice pants and a top, but didn't even wear a dress or skirt.

The party is usually really fun. They completely range in relaxed to very fancy with a lot of things guests can do. They will generally provide socks for your kid, but bring a pair just in case (all the kids wear socks instead of their nice shoes to dance). Most people in bar mitzvahs I go to wear the same thing in the service as the party, but in some HCOL places, or for the family of the bar mitzvah child, they change clothes. I don't think it's at all necessary.

There are two things about the party to mention - one is that they have a ceremony in which the bar mitzvah boy calls up about 10 (not sure if it's a fixed number) people/groups of people in his life to light candles to recognize them. It's sweet seeing grandparents/cousins/close friends who go up there. The second is that there is usually a DJ (and they are usually extremely good at getting the crowd moving IMHO) and at some point (usually early on) there will be the hora. This is a beautiful dance and everyone just jumps in. Don't worry if you don't know how to do it, just join. Depending upon the party/DJ, it might be more a mad scramble and you don't need to wait to be invited. Just break into a circle of people and dance with them. People are happy to let you in. And then the kid is lifted up on a chair and moved up and down to the music for a little bit.

Presents historically are a gift certificate or money that is saved for the kid when he is older. You can also buy him a gift if you want. I think kids really would rather receive a gift. I personally don't like giving money, but it's completely acceptable. I do feel ok giving gift certificates. I always email the mom and ask what stores the child likes - recently, I bought a gift card for some clothing store that was very teenybopperish that a kid liked. Another time it was Best Buy. I'm about to buy a gift card for Ikea because my friend, the mom of a bat mitzvah girl says she is crazy about Ikea of all things. But anything is fine - if you want to give money or a gift certificate, that's fine, but if you want to give something that the kid will remember (a kindle? an Echo? Don't know how much those cost) that would be a big deal, too.

Amount of the gift (gift card or money or gift) varies a lot depending upon a lot of factors - whether you live in a HCOL, whether you are close to the family / your child is a close friend, things like that. I was recently invited to a friend's bat mitzvah and I was so touched that my kids and I were invited to a sit down luncheon at a nice restaurant (they are mostly more relaxed and just at the temple) and the party was so sweet - not at all fancy, but this family has very little and I knew it must have been a huge stretch for them to make it so nice for their daughter and relatives/friends. So I will give a bigger gift card than I normally would. If you are unsure, ask around.

If you give money or a gift card, some people give denominations of $18, a lucky number and symbolic in Judaism, so if you want to, you can. But you don't have to at all and the bar mitzvah family won't expect it (or particularly care probably).

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[niccig]

Thanks for taking the time to give all that advice. I’ll check on a few things with the parents.


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[magnoliaparadise]

I forgot to add about the yamulka (sp?). Most men wear them inside a temple (temples are also called a synagogue or shul, which usually, but not always, means the congregation is conservative or orthodox).

It's considered respectful to wear the yamulka inside. I don't know if everybody does, but if not everybody, almost everybody. It doesn't mean that you are Jewish, but just that you are in the temple and respectful. My father is an atheist and always puts on a yalmulke when going to a temple service. Yalmulke on a man's head symbols humility under God, of not having your head open below God. In more religious congregations, the women will wear a nice handkerchief over her head, too, and some of the very old female congregants will do that (I remember vividly one of my grandmothers doing that), but I never see that in the reform temple that we go to. Yalmulkes will be provided, sometimes as a souvenir with the bar mitzvah boy's name and the date.

Most Jews whose bar/bat mitzvah you would go to are reform or conservative, with reform being slightly more relaxed in following Jewish rules (someone may want to help me with this explanation - I'm not good at describing the two...). There will be more hebrew in a conservative temple - though there is a variation even within each temple, with some reform being more on the spectrum of conservative and some conservative ones being more relaxed and feel reform. Then there is modern orthodox and orthodox, but you will probably not being going to one of those. There is also reconstructive, which is newer and less prevalent, but in terms of service length is probably like reform or conservative.

[Momit]

The ones we have attended have all been huge NYC/Long Island ones so maybe this isn’t typical, but we give somewhere around $500 that’s a multiple of 18.

[Dayzy]

Depending on your relationship with the family, $100-$200 would be fine. I give $200 to my cousin's children.

[mom2binsd]

I think I remember a discussion on this earlier and the amount of money given was suggested to be much less than 100, particularly if it was a school friend not a family friend or relative. I think multiples if 18.00 is suggested.

I absolutely think at least a shirt and tie for your son, and suit for your DH. I don't know if a suit is required for your son, if he already has one great, but unless he's had a wedding or some other formal event, in Socal most middle school boys probably don't have each suit or jacket.

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[SnuggleBuggles]

Ds1 gave $54 to his friend for her Bat Mitzvah. We waffled between that and $36.
The ones I’ve been to, if they want men to wear yamaka, they’ve been provided (just a little basket by the door).


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[sariana]

We gave $54 to each of the girls in our neighborhood (sisters), and both seemed very appreciative. They are good neighbors but not otherwise necessarily good friends. Their girls are older than our children. I have never given a $500 gift to anyone in my entire life, nor received one other than monetary gifts from a close relative giving away money for tax purposes.

My experience has been as PP said: yarmulkes are provided for non-Jewish guests.

[JustMe]

All great, advice, but I want to add--don't stress about the money and don't give more than is comfortable for you!

Ds1 gave $54 to his friend for her Bat Mitzvah. We waffled between that and $36.
The ones I’ve been to, if they want men to wear yamaka, they’ve been provided (just a little basket by the door).

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I agree with the above. If you are very close and can afford more than $54, go for it. Otherwise, if its just a friend of your son's, you don't need to give a really big amount. Yarmulkes are always available.

The party part is really fun, so enjoy!